The Divorce Calculator

Did you know there is a formula that determines how likely you are to get divorced?

Just visit the “Divorce Calculator” at divorce360.com, and answer five simple questions, including:

How old were you when you got married?

What is your highest level of education?

How often have you told your wife she could have her own gravitational field?

Okay, I made that last one up. It turns out that being a complete jerk is not a factor in determining if you are likely to get divorced. It only matters when you got married.

What a relief, I must say!

I found that only 5% of the people like me are already divorced. It was reassuring to know that my wife will probably continue to stay with me even if I bring home a prostitute who suffers from violent cocaine withdrawal symptoms.

Or – dare I even say it – if I don’t wash out my cereal bowl in the morning.

But then I read that 5% means I am at “average” risk of divorce.

Interestingly, only 4% of people like my wife are divorced, which suggests I might somehow get divorced without her.

Hmmm….

Anyway, as if the Divorce Calculator wasn’t helpful enough, the site also offers relationship advice, including “Tips for a Healthy Relationship.”

These “tips” include such valuable nuggets as “learn to communicate” and “seek out a therapist.”

I’m sure all of you out there suffering through a difficult marriage are slapping your foreheads, asking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

As valuable and comprehensive as divorce 360.com may be, I can save my fellow husbands out there some time and legal fees by dispensing my own can’t-miss marriage advice.

Experts say one of the largest sources of marital strife is money. Therefore, you need to make more money. Get started right away.

“That won’t work,” I can hear you saying, “because my wife will just find more ways to squander our increased income.”

Believe me, I know. How dare she waste hard-earned family resources on yet another pair of shoes when you’ve been saving up to get the NFL Network?

This is why you must start hiding money.

(Don’t put it in the same place where you’re hiding the birthday present for your mistress. If your wife finds them both at the same time, you can expect double the consequences.)

Children also help ruin marriages. First of all, never blame a child for taking up so much of your attention and energy that your wife has none left over to give to you. Instead, blame your wife for wanting to have children in the first place.

Then, channel the blame into action. If your wife is “tapped out,” do things to help restore her energy and enthusiasm. She will appreciate it, and you stand to gain, too.

Even little actions, like taking a moment to rub her shoulders while she cooks dinner, or complimenting her appearance as she bends to pick up a basket of laundry, can send a clear message that her happiness is your number one concern, and that you’ll be expecting sex later.

If all that fails, you may need to take drastic measures to appease the Divorce Calculator.

Get remarried when you’re older, or go back to school. Problem solved.

Apathy: It's What's For Dinner

Have I got a treat for you!

This column was printed with an experimental new technology: space-age ink that scans your brain and transforms itself into sentences and paragraphs that reflect your interests and beliefs!

Now you'll never have to wonder if there's anything good in the newspaper! Everything you read will be interesting, and you won't have to waste any time thinking about things you don't want to think about.

I'll start with something unpleasant and inconsequential. Watch how fast this column adjusts for your reading pleasure:

Diseased cattle frequently make their way into our food supply, according to recent press reports following the recall of 143 million pounds of beef.

Bah. Americans eat beef all the time, and no one is dying. Take Roger Clemens, for example. Roger Clemens eats beef four meals a day. Roger Clemens took steroids, so we should all spend several hours a day pressuring Congress to think mean things about him.

Roger Clemens is a cheating little twerp.

The beef recall came after the Humane Society of America released undercover footage of apparently routine cattle mistreatment -- cows laying in manure, too sick to move, were electrocuted, kicked, and dragged to slaughter.

This is against USDA regulations, because the workers did not first drill holes in the animals' skulls to let out evil spirits.

Speaking of evil spirits... George Clooney is now single and looking for a middle-aged housewife.

Sick cattle laying in beds of feces are more likely to carry E-Coli or mad cow disease, increasing the risk that the next burger you eat could cause your flesh to start peeling away from your skeleton.

Sex. You're interested in sex, right? Would you like to improve your sex life? Confidence is the key! You are already very desirable and talented in the bedroom. You are THE Man and/or Woman.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

USDA personnel told the Associated Press they don't have enough inspectors to properly ensure the safety of the food supply – further evidence that we Americans don't put our resources where they really matter.

Jacoby Ellsbury will take over as the Red Sox center fielder/pretty boy this year, but not until they trade Coco Crisp for a draft pick... or perhaps a used Etch-a-Sketch.

Curt Schilling should have surgery on his shoulder and on whatever part of the brain houses his ego. The guy has absolutely no perspective.

Do you buy organic or “all natural” food products that don't have artificial hormones or cancer-causing chemicals in them? Of course not. You're no dummy. You figure the cheaper stuff must be safe, or else the grocery store wouldn't be allowed to sell it... right?

Sex! Even More Sex!

While we drive SUVs and dress our overweight or hyperactive kids in expensive sneakers and name-brand clothes, and keep them occupied with high-definition TVs and the latest video games, we pat ourselves on the back for saving $15 on our grocery bill by getting cheap processed snacks and chemically engineered, sodium-drenched convenience meals.

If there was more demand for natural or organic products, maybe the food industry would --

(Oops! Darned technology! Obviously, my invention isn't working quite right. Too much of the original column seeping in. Just needs a quick adjustment.... there. Let's try again.)

As I was saying: the beef recall is nothing to worry about. Probably just an aberration, certainly not a reflection on the mainstream food supply.

We can trust the corporations and the government to protect our food. Let the USDA struggle to fill job openings while we spend billions in Iraq to keep America safe.

You deserve that tax rebate. Go buy yourself something pretty.