tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12577319785993702772024-03-05T10:13:43.648-08:00Tongue-In-CheekA Maine-Based Humor Blog and Reliable Source of Tripechuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.comBlogger209125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-33626995546241285152011-02-03T15:53:00.001-08:002011-10-05T06:48:19.328-07:00Payment<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnaK-ro1-uKywavOk8XaP9OF2BfFVXP8D1RiRDZJUJp1XNXd6adT4sMiMd8BOs0Pmqi9xUBfhXb8HWhL8kA4iwF7Kwi0_GcQ2bITsb7l94sh-Dt8czeSc7FOgdN8XAC31mFta6OEHJoM/s1600/meadowbrookdjpromo.png"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 197px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnaK-ro1-uKywavOk8XaP9OF2BfFVXP8D1RiRDZJUJp1XNXd6adT4sMiMd8BOs0Pmqi9xUBfhXb8HWhL8kA4iwF7Kwi0_GcQ2bITsb7l94sh-Dt8czeSc7FOgdN8XAC31mFta6OEHJoM/s320/meadowbrookdjpromo.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5660004511725557890" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7gS6U6C4PO54OE1raBPWfOAqL4J1l_AlxmYRz-NT4l_qT3FirYvF_IJj8NFCNtSNvqs2F8cQYgS1WO9U5NO7bfODAoXuZkV_FztnhIrZU0kQBWQs1015rLtWYuAiNWsmVWoaurZdQzic/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-03-22+at+10.27.20+AM.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 227px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7gS6U6C4PO54OE1raBPWfOAqL4J1l_AlxmYRz-NT4l_qT3FirYvF_IJj8NFCNtSNvqs2F8cQYgS1WO9U5NO7bfODAoXuZkV_FztnhIrZU0kQBWQs1015rLtWYuAiNWsmVWoaurZdQzic/s320/Screen+shot+2011-03-22+at+10.27.20+AM.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586910992625040642" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_39XVJbgMDz3AxXz_sxi1Rr10Sio_tR0sZQTxW6qsxCAkmrwq0VodIu-PHThaSrbT0-cBj_yB4YrOcXIR1j4rtf7Ft-DeBrdmWS6igYYRv7wayt-pMnjfUYqV19_G7D2iNeziXAvXesk/s1600/Maine+Prep+ad.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 148px; height: 227px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_39XVJbgMDz3AxXz_sxi1Rr10Sio_tR0sZQTxW6qsxCAkmrwq0VodIu-PHThaSrbT0-cBj_yB4YrOcXIR1j4rtf7Ft-DeBrdmWS6igYYRv7wayt-pMnjfUYqV19_G7D2iNeziXAvXesk/s320/Maine+Prep+ad.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584861358926818930" border="0" /></a><br />Attention: "Tongue-in-Cheek" has moved to <a href="http://sardinereport.wordpress.com/">The Sardine Report</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Donate or pay for advertising by clicking the button below.</span><br /><br /><form action="https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr" method="post"><br /><input name="cmd" value="_s-xclick" type="hidden"><br /><input name="hosted_button_id" value="XAVMKVMH59MSY" type="hidden"><br /><input src="https://www.paypal.com/en_US/i/btn/btn_donateCC_LG.gif" name="submit" alt="PayPal - The safer, easier way to pay online!" border="0" type="image"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img alt="" src="https://www.paypal.com/en_US/i/scr/pixel.gif" border="0" height="1" width="1" /><br /></form>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-20085840721918219042011-01-15T11:54:00.000-08:002011-01-15T11:56:26.606-08:00Advertising 101 with Sketchy McSleazeball<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Do not listen to late-night sports radio.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Especially the commercials.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A stern, authoritatively-deep voice warned me last night that a prominent financial expert who predicted the 2008 financial industry crash was also foretelling a much more devastating “major event” in 2011 that would result in drastic changes to our way of life, possibly even threatening the speed of drive-thru service.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I found this ad intriguing, having long believed that we Americans will have to pay the piper someday for our reckless borrowing, needless consumption, and sloppy penmanship.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The voice insisted that I watch a “video” at the website “endofamerica36.com.” </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That’s right. End of America. 36. Dot com.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Sketchy.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Of course I had to see for myself.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The “video” is simply a “financial expert” named Porter Stansberry reading aloud words that appear on the screen, explaining a bunch of stuff about the dollar.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">After 90 minutes with Mr. Stansberry, my eyes were sore, but I began to feel convinced that the dollar was on its way into the toilet, and that I should put all my money into gold, silver, euros, grenades, and “modern art” made from Styrofoam and dried rat feces.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Stansberry kept alluding to a secret commodity, used by the wealthy throughout history to shield themselves from imploding economies, that could save my family from the impending crisis if I owned enough of it. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But he wouldn’t tell me what it was. Gasoline? Real estate? Slaves? Pictures of frolicking puppies? I could only guess.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Finally, he offered to tell me the secret if I bought a $50 “trial” subscription to his newsletter.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The whole thing was just disgusting. It reminded me of those letters I keep getting from car dealerships, the one with the return address of “Department Of Financial Reimbursement and Distribution of Entitlements,” or some such official-government-looking verbiage, containing what looks like a check. It’s actually a “voucher” that “guarantees” that I will win either $20,000 cash or an instant scratch ticket. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Gasp! Which will it be? I can’t take the suspense.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So I didn’t bite on Stanberry’s sleazy sales pitch. But I have to admit that his argument seems plausible. At some point, other countries are going to get sick of those cocky Americans and their gargantuan debt, and will reject the dollar as the standard of global currency. Then our government will no longer be able to pay off debt by printing more money or whoring out the Vice President. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I wanted to get to the woods and start canning beets and knitting sweaters from my armpit hair, as it seems all these skills will be necessary quite soon.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Then I remembered Google.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It turns out Mr. Stansberry and his company, then called “Pirate Investor, LLC” (seriously), </span></span><a href="http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2007-08-10/business/0708100274_1_pirate-investor-llc-special-report"><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#000099;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">had to pay more than $1.5 million in restitution in 2007</span></span></a><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> after being convicted of scamming potential investors with misleading stock tips marketed through email SPAM.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Stansberry maintained that anyone buying stock tips from a company named “Pirate Investor, LLC” deserved to lose everything they had.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">No, just kidding. He claimed his erroneous stock tips were an honest mistake. But after a few minutes at endofamerica36.com, it’s hard for me to associate the word “honest” with him at all.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you want any credibility, come up with a web address that does not have random numbers in it, does not have the production value of a hastily-contrived middle school role play, and does not make me feel the intense need for a shower after only 20 seconds of viewing.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And, for God’s sake, don’t air your ad on sports talk radio at 12:30 a.m.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;color:black;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial, serif;font-size:130%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-52310561575544005652011-01-08T19:57:00.001-08:002011-01-09T05:22:53.391-08:00Shoes Your Weapon<span id="internal-source-marker_0.8920864264255514" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">For no good reason, my feet have declared war on me. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">If you talk to them (I don’t recommend it, but go ahead, if you insist), they will say it’s all my fault, because I’m 30 pounds overweight and inherited this dramatic clomping motion in my gait, like I’m constantly trying to kill spiders.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">True as this may be, I don’t actually walk very often. My primary recreational outlets include swimming, yelling at teenagers, and strenuous nose-picking. None of these require my feet, except occasionally the last one (only when I’m typing).</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">So my feet have no excuse for aching all the time. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">I retaliate by wrenching them into every manner of experimental footwear I can get my hands on, trying to find something that will finally make them shut up.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Recently, I began to think I’d have to give up on shoes and try to only walk on heavily padded surfaces for the rest of my life.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">This idea might not be completely crazy, according to Liberty University biology professor Daniel Howell. Interviewed on the Today Show last month, Dr. Howell said, “90 percent of our foot problems can be traced back to the shoe.” He himself goes around barefoot nearly all the time, a choice made easier by the fact that he tends to avoid public restrooms, anyway.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">What about cold weather? “Your feet will adapt,” he said, as long as the ground is dry. Sounds like he won’t be visiting Maine anytime soon.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Anyway, Dr. Howell failed to convince me to eschew my shoes. For one thing, walking surfaces are often very poky. Furthermore, you don’t see too many podiatrists walking around barefoot. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">So I knew there must be a shoe compromise out there someplace. A few days ago, I finally found it.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">If you stray down to the Maine Mall in South Portland, you will probably wind up leaving with something weird. This time, I wound up with a pair of those newfangled round-bottomed shoes.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Go ahead and laugh, but you won’t be laughing nearly as hard when these damn things cause me to trip over your front door threshold and test the limits of your liability insurance.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Sure, from a style standpoint, three-inch soles in the shape of a half-moon do not earn many points. They call to mind a plaster cast, with less allowance for creativity -- a fabulous choice for a mythical creature from a Tolkein novel, perhaps, but not for a sophisticated man about town such as myself.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">But they promise to improve your posture, tone your muscles, erase your wrinkles, enlarge your genetalia, reduce your tax liability, and cause you to burn more calories when walking.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">More importantly, these half-moon soles seem to distribute my weight more to my arches, meaning they have the potential to cure my plantar fascism, or whatever the hell it is. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Anyway, after I picked up these “toner shoes,” a 20-year-old sales clerk had me stand on this machine that detected which parts of my feet felt the most pressure. The giant computer screen attached to this wondrous device showed that most of my weight rests on the heels and balls of my feet. This amazing revelation enabled the clerk to determine which set of $70 “orthopedic” insoles she would recommend.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">Did I buy them? Of course I did. This is war, after all. I need every technological edge I can get.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;">And some really, really thick carpeting wouldn’t hurt, either.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#330000;"><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; font-family:Arial;color:transparent;"></span><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; VERTICAL-ALIGN: baseline; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0); FONT-STYLE: normal; BACKGROUND-: nonefont-family:Arial;color:transparent;"></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-21182315025716911882011-01-07T19:47:00.000-08:002011-01-07T19:49:11.895-08:00LePage: Can He Possibly Be Any Worse?<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.942854779666138"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The headline in the Bangor Daily News served up endless inspiration: “LePage Slow to Fill Cabinet.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Easy pickings for a smart-alecky pundit. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Maybe he ran out of relatives” - Hmm... too obvious.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“That’s not what his wife said!” - Ugh... better not.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I think I’ll go with: “That’s because no sensible human being would want to have to clean up the colossal pile of bat guano the Baldacci administration is leaving behind.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Yeah, that should do it.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In its </span><a href="http://www.bangordailynews.com/story/Opinion/The-Baldacci-Report-Card,162845"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">Dec. 31 editorial</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">, the BDN struggled to not gush with admiration over the Italian Scallion. It praised him for everything from school consolidation to shrinking state government, pushing weatherization, and having pellet furnaces installed in state buildings.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Grasping at straws much?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“The hard job of fine-tuning and improving those initiatives falls to the next administration.” Yes, no wonder nobody wants to work for Mr. LePage; he has to deal with those pellet furnaces.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In its adolescent crush-like fawning, the BDN found fault only in Baldacci’s failure to advocate more strongly for all his super-dreamy ideas.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Ahem. Yes, well... while the state’s largest newspaper basks in Baldacci afterglow, allow me to point out that virtually everything he attempted either set us back 30 years or fizzled into a giant waste of time.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Consolidation? No need to beat that horse any more. If you have any doubt, go ask your local school board if they’ve saved any money from consolidation. I dare you.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Meanwhile, high schools across the state continue to waste millions of hours in productivity trying to wrench their curricula into the confines of the PSAT and SAT. While The College Board collects a tidy $50 a year for every 10th and 11th grader in Maine, kids who would rather not go to college, or who lack the skills for college, are left to wonder, even more than they already did, if anybody really cares about them.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Baldacci’s “principled stand” on gay marriage didn’t amount to much after he made virtually no effort to help the new law survive a referendum. He bought the law a nice ring, but then left it at the altar.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Then there’s the Department of Human Services, a steady source of debacles for the last ten years. Time and again he has cut funding for outpatient mental health services, which adds strain to exponentially more expensive jails, psychiatric hospitals, and emergency rooms. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Pennywise and pound foolish, yet again. You can take your car in for regular brake maintenance, or you can wait and let the wrecking company, police, ambulance, insurance companies, newspaper photographers, coroners, and impound lot deal with it later. Time and again, our bald-headed Mr. Nice Guy chose the latter.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Dirigo Health, once championed as an innovative compromise, languishes in near-irrelevance due to underfunding. Baldacci was not able to combat corporate interests to prevent soda tax foes and insurance companies from all but scuttling the program.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Mix it all together and you can start to see why the state still faces a budget crisis even after shedding 1000 employees in the last eight years.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">So, no high-priced captains of industry will ever take a pay cut to deal with any of that mess. Who could blame them?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">While I wait for my call to become the next Secretary of Innuendo, I’ll be watching closely to see what kind of Marden’s Special-type candidates he can find to salvage some respectability in the state government.<br /><br /><br /></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-31912851262529180142010-12-24T10:24:00.000-08:002010-12-26T18:34:07.454-08:002010: You Couldn’t Have Made Any Of It Up<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Januar</span>y: One of the deadliest earthquakes in recorded history levels Port Au Prince, Haiti; I would imagine things are pretty much back to normal down there by now.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">February</span>: Olympic organizers plan well for a lack of snow in the Vancouver area by having it trucked in from 160 miles away; pleased with how well everything turned out, the IOC then awards the 2022 Winter Games to Houston, Texas... A magnitude 8.8 earthquake kills nearly 500 people in Chile; Americans complain that if you give one third-world country $100 million in earthquake relief, pretty soon all the other third-world countries want to have their own earthquakes.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">March</span>: For our anniversary, my wife and I decide to go on our third real “date” since we became parents five years ago; we end up napping through half of it.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">April</span>: An eruption of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull (I think my spell check just exploded) spews ash all across Western Europe, grounding a lot of airplanes and prompting everyone to wonder why the Earth seems so darn mad at us lately... The Deepwater Horizon oil platform explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, BP assured the public that they’ll have everything tidied up right quick, nothing to see here.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">May</span>: President Obama nominates Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court, prompting a whole lot of really creative and forward-thinking people to make fun of her appearance and question her sexuality... A horse named “Super Saver” wins the Kentucky Derby, no doubt starting a new tradition of thoroughbreds being named after corporate sponsors (my money is on Sears Auto Center in the next Preakness).</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">June</span>: As it becomes apparent that no one knows how to stop the Gulf Oil Spill, which has the potential to become the worst environmental disaster in human history, with potentially apocalyptic ramifications for ecology, climate, and the economy, Americans decide to “do their part” by making sure their tires are properly inflated.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">July</span>: The Obama Administration sues to block Arizona’s new immigration law, arguing that corrupt and inefficient border patrol is the federal government’s job, thank you very much.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">August</span>: Russia bans grain exports after the worst heat wave in 130 years destroys enough crops to cause a major food crisis; Fox News declares climate change a hoax... President Obama announces the end of combat operations in Iraq, though continued U.S. support and involvement will be necessary for a smooth transition; Americans decide to “do their part” by turning down thermostats one degree.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">September</span>: Government lexicographers discover there is no word in the English language for the back of one’s knee... The Gulf Oil Spill Disaster finally ends as BP engineers manage to cap the well and declare it “effectively dead;” I’m sure things are pretty much back to normal down there by now.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">October</span>: The 33 miners trapped 2300 feet underground in Chile become national heroes after rescue workers pull them one by one through a precariously winding, narrow shaft to be greeted by their loving families and by President Sebastian Pinera, who instructed them to get the hell back to work... 200 million gallons of toxic sludge spill from an aluminum plant in Hungary; the plant manager who ignored warnings about the weakening reservoir is immediately chosen as the new director of FEMA.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">November</span>: A human stampede at a water festival in Cambodia kills 347 people, despite being dwarfed in size and intensity by the line outside Wal-Mart on Black Friday.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">December</span>: The world ends at midnight on the 31st.</div><div><br /></div><div>Let’s hope I’m kidding.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-89730254327439756502010-12-17T07:45:00.000-08:002010-12-17T07:59:01.126-08:00We’re Not Racist, Just Brutally Insensitive<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So </span><a href="http://www.bangordailynews.com/story/Statewide/Panel-seeks-ban-on-Indian-mascot-names,161536"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">they’re still going after those Indian mascots</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">. This time, “they” are the Maine Indian Tribal State Commission, a group of stuffed shirts in Augusta who apparently have nothing better to do than try to expose and eliminate tacit and subconscious racism.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">As usual, my highly advanced brain has dreamed up a perfect compromise to satisfy everyone. But first, some background:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Those who object to nicknames like “Indians,” “Warriors,” and “Redskins” say they are offensive, unnecessary references to racial stereotypes.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">They seriously need to get over it. So what if genocide wiped out 99% of your ancestors, and the dominant culture sees your once-proud heritage as a blur of drumming circles and slot machines? You don’t have to be so sensitive. You should be happy that white people want to “honor” your disappearing heritage by naming a high school team after a slang term for your scalped great-grandfather.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Those who want to keep the nicknames understand that any sort of change - even changes to arbitrary pretend nicknames that no one will remember or care about in 20 years - is a threat to the very fabric of our society.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The </span><a href="http://lincolncountynewsonline.com/main.asp?SectionID=1&SubSectionID=75&ArticleID=49623"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Lincoln County News quoted</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> Wiscasset resident Ginny Cooper’s objection to getting rid of the “Redskin” moniker at her local high school:: “[We need] to have sense of humor about these things," she said. "Blacks are now negroes, Japs aren't yellow anymore, and I'm sick of it."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Bingo! You see, it’s not that we’re racist; we just don’t care how non-white people feel about our funny names for them.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Look, we don’t need to put honest, hardworking, community-minded Mainers through the agony of having to abandon allegiance to one cartoon character in favor of another. The only torture I can imagine that would be worse than that is... hm, I don’t know... maybe watching your entire village get slaughtered and burned by invaders from another continent.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A couple of years ago, Old Town High School switched from the “Indians” to the “Coyotes.” I’ve been to Old Town a couple of times since then, and nothing is the same. For one thing, they moved the City Hall down to Main Street, and the Old Town Canoe outlet store is way the hell out on Route 43. It’s as if a pestilence of depression has settled over the whole area.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous names that replace the discarded Indian names. Can anyone from Scarborough please tell me: what the hell is a “Red Storm?” There is no such thing. How does one dress up as a “Red Storm?”</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Anyway, these pinko, politically-correct types are not going away, so let’s implement this brilliant compromise: Terms like “Indians” and “Warriors” do not have to refer to Native Americans. Why not keep the nicknames, and just change the logo?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Teams named “Warriors” should change their colors to green and black camouflage to honor veterans and soldiers. Their mascots should become uniformed Marines. Don’t for a second think this would somehow cheapen or dishonor the sacrifices of our troops, not if you’re unwilling to think the same thing of Native Americans.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Schools with “Indian” nicknames should change their mascots to yogis or telemarketers. You know, people who don’t mind being called “Indians” because they’re actually from India.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you cling to the “Redskin” name, you might as well abandon all pretense and rename your teams “The Lynchmob.”</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">There. Problem solved. In the words of comedian John Hodgman, “you’re welcome.”</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-31618650704115592262010-12-11T08:45:00.000-08:002010-12-11T08:46:20.635-08:00Yum... Wikileeks<div><br /></div><div>Last week, I presented low-stress solutions on how to chintz out of this gift-giving season without feeling like a complete, low-class schmuck.</div><div><br /></div><div>I’d like to take back everything I said, and instead recommend that you buy the book “In Defense of Food” for all your friends and relatives. Spend the $6.99 per copy at Amazon if you have to.</div><div><br /></div><div>Author Michael Pollan insists that we are supposed to enjoy eating, and guides you into some basic principles that would result in a fully healthy and satisfying diet if you weren’t too lazy to change your habits.</div><div><br /></div><div>So never mind.</div><div><br /></div><div>But the book also details how the U.S. government twisted already-flawed science to appease industry, resulting in all sorts of dietary nastiness among the general population.</div><div><br /></div><div>You see, back in the 1970s, scientists were noticing that people who ate a lot of animal products often wound up dead. Because death is one of those Undesirable Outcomes to be Avoided at All Cost, a federal advisory board wrote a report recommending that people eat less meat and cheese.</div><div><br /></div><div>Predictably, the meat and dairy industries had a cow (ha!), and the panel whipped up some revisions, instead telling America to “choose meat, poultry, and fish that will reduce saturated fat intake.”</div><div><br /></div><div>At the time, we all thought saturated fat was the evil substance causing all our problems. Lots of us switched to margarine and other replacements, only to learn later that they were loaded with trans-fats, which are way more hideous.</div><div><br /></div><div>For some reason, people listen to the federal government about food, even though the government is clearly controlled either by whimsical overreactions to incomplete science or by corporations peddling “edible food-like substances.”</div><div><br /></div><div>Pollan recounts how the FDA declared Frito Lay chips offer health benefits because (get ready for this) every moment you spend stuffing your mouth with polyunsaturated fats is a moment you’re not stuffing them with saturated fats.</div><div><br /></div><div>In other words, the government would be happy to have me drinking soda and coffee all day, because, at least then, I wouldn’t be drinking used motor oil.</div><div><br /></div><div>The most irritating part of all this how little the public knows/knew about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Did we see a NBC News “Fleecing of America” Expose on Frito Lay and the FDA? No way.</div><div><br /></div><div>Where was Wikileaks when we needed them, when all those ranchers and dairy farmers lobbied to make sure they could keep making a living at the expense of public health?</div><div><br /></div><div>If you’ve been following the news, you know that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is the world’s foremost persona non grata at the moment, having published thousands of classified documents purported to compromise security interests and political relationships for no clear benefit to mankind.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yes, we found out that our government has some secret deal with some place called Yemen, wherein we kill off a bunch of people and they take the blame for it. And, it turns out, we actually do have military forces “engaged in combat operations” (why can’t we just say “fighting” anymore?) in Pakistan.</div><div><br /></div><div>Assange’s wildly radical theory is that governments keeping secrets is generally a bad thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>But now that these secrets have been exposed, do we really expect contrition? Promise never to do it again, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my document shredder?</div><div><br /></div><div>Or are we going to keep wringing our hands over health care costs while lobbyists infest the backrooms of bureaucracy to write our nutrition guidelines and labeling regulations to suit their profit margins, and we just fill our stomachs with whatever the hell they feel like making?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-89292567783631720782010-12-03T21:09:00.000-08:002010-12-03T21:18:35.482-08:00Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas<div style="text-align: center;"><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you’re like me, your idea of “Working Out” means bringing your briefcase to Tim Horton’s.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you’re like me, you have found yourself stranded in a blizzard because your Honda Civic, which has power windows, locks, steering, braking, and hundreds of other convenient bits of power, inexplicably lacks any sort of warning chime or buzzer or siren to alert you that you’ve left your headlights on.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But you are most like me if you find the Holiday Season a gauntlet of stressful brainstorming sessions and last-minute shopping excursions, followed by an unsatisfying letdown that results from feeling like maybe your brother-in-law doesn’t appreciate the meat grinder as you thought he would, given that he’s a vegetarian.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Well, this year, you won’t have that problem.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I have devised a perfect three-step system to rescue you from the normal December doldrums.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">1.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Give until it feels good.</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> You might have heard the phrase “give until it hurts.” Less popular is the phrase “give until it feels good.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Abandon all reason in favor of that sweet euphoria that can only come from prioritizing someone else without any consideration for yourself, flinging fistfuls of $20 bills at random strangers until you’re flat broke.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you don’t choose that third level, you might as well Bah-Humbug yourself back up that mountain above Whoville, or whatever.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But that still begs the question: what to give?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Give something that matters. </span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You know, actually matters.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Notice I didn’t say “matters to the recipient” or “matters to you.” As long as it matters to someone, somewhere on the globe, you can always say, “It’s the thought that counts.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That relative who seems to have everything, who is impossible to buy for, deserves a $25 donation made in their name to the charity of their choice (even if it is some depraved cause like the Church of Scientology or Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation).</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Think about it: if your house is already full of plastic crap imported from China, and you are living comfortably enough to buy whatever would be in a gift-giver’s budget anyway, what would feel better than knowing you inspired someone to help the less fortunate?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You can also go retro by giving something that took time, creativity, or ingenuity to make. This year I’m going to make soap. Nothing sends the perfect message to your filthy relatives than a box of soap on Christmas morning.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I also want to make cinnamon applesauce ornaments decorated with glitter glue and bits of ribbon, which will delight the whole family until your three-year-old niece eats one off the tree and has to be rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What epitomizes the spirit of family giving this holiday season more than offering to drive someone to the emergency room?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">No need for giant piles of expensive gifts to create cherished holiday memories. Keep it simple, that’s what I say.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.15in; "><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">3. </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Sing modified carols to keep your spirits up</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">. Example:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Let Your Cart be Light.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">From Now On Your Expenses Won’t be Out of Sight!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So Your Nerves Don’t Fray.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">From Now On Our Stresses Will Be Miles Away!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here We Are as in Olden Days,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Crappy Gift Parades, Ignore.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Faithful Friends Who are Dear To Us</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Don’t Want Your Wal-Mart Crap Any More.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Through the Years</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We All Will Be Together,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If the Streets Are Plowed.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Hang a Homemade Ornament On the Highest Bough!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas Now.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent: .15in"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span><br /></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-66411197036202413102010-11-26T21:05:00.000-08:002010-11-26T21:06:49.661-08:00Only Voltron Can Save Us Now<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The electric car has finally arrived.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">In the next few months you’ll start seeing commercials for the Nissan Leaf, a vehicle whose future owners better damn well remember to plug in their cars at night, lest they be stranded when they get up the next morning.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Leaf rolls on for 100 miles or so without needing gasoline. But then you’re done. It has no internal combustion back-up, and, therefore, virtually no chance of competing with the Chevy Volt, even though it will be about $7000 cheaper.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Volt has a back-up gasoline engine, which the EPA expects to get a not-too-shabby 37 mpg on the highway. This is helpful, since the battery will only last about 40 miles. I’ve seen driveways longer than that.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">But if you’re looking for measurable progress toward curing our “addiction to oil,” you have to feel encouraged. Even skeptics estimate that, based on today’s electricity and fuel prices, not having to buy gasoline will offset the higher sticker prices for these cars.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">In other words, we’ve finally reached the point when an electric car costs about the same as an equivalent gasoline car, barring unforeseen engineering setbacks, such as battery explosions that could be seen from the moon.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Marketing remains the only remaining obstacle. All hope for consumer demand and future innovations in this area revolve around people actually wanting these two cars.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">We’re not off to a great start here. The names do not exactly inspire confidence.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Cars represent freedom, power, and status. This is why the mini-van, and eventually the SUV, replaced the station wagon, even though the station wagon is way safer and more functional for the vast majority of consumers. But a station wagon isn’t going to climb some remote mesa in Utah, which Americans must do at least once a week, judging by Jeep commercials.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The “Leaf?” Come on.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Do we want a car that gets eaten by caterpillars? That some seven-year-old girl is pressing in a book for an art project? That is covering some Biblical character’s genitals?</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">No. We want a car like Chuck Norris, only less mechanical.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Leaf is not this car. It looks like a Prius with love handles and a saggy rear end.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The name “Volt,” on the other hand, invokes power and coolness, as if you cannot possibly drive the car without wearing sunglasses. Its sharp and sporty design follows suit.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The name also reminds me of the cartoon “Voltron: Defender of the Universe,” which I used to watch when I was a wee lad. I barely remember it, but I know it involved five robotic lions from the planet Arus. The lions. each piloted by a brave and helpfully stereotyped “space explorer,” would fuse together, always at just at the right moment, to form a giant mega-robot named Voltron that would fight evil and stuff.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Wouldn’t you want to drive a car that could become the left ankle of a force of justice for the entire galaxy? I know I’d pay an extra few thousand on a down payment for that, especially considering today’s gas prices.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The only problem with the name “Volt” is that it has the word “Chevrolet” in front of it. The public has about as much confidence in GM’s ability to make a decent car as it has in Sarah Palin’s ability to reach the “Tournament of Champions” on Jeopardy.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">So there you have it. The next major step in curbing greenhouse gases and reducing our dependence on foreign oil rests in the hands of a company so incompetent the government had to buy it out.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Bicycle, anyone?</span></span></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-80045515564785565942010-11-19T11:59:00.000-08:002010-11-19T12:04:12.143-08:00How to Save Money on Groceries<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">People in my life keep complaining that food is getting more and more expensive.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Granted, these are people with no actual information -- people who would no sooner research the pattern of beef and corn prices relative to inflation over the last 50 years than they would perform an unwarranted tonsillectomy on a gerbil -- are experts on how the average family suffers from an increasingly unreasonable grocery bill.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Yet as much as 50% of the food produced in this country goes to waste; we throw half of it away after it’s prepared, <a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/01/from-farm-to-fridge-to-garbage-can/">reports the New York Times</a>.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">When you add in the food we eat that we probably don’t need to eat (yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Second Helping), that figure is probably closer to 90%.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">A Cornell University study found that 93% of us admit to buying food we never use.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Yeah, we’re suffering, all right.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">I checked the government’s <a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/cpi.nr0.htm">Consumer Price Index</a>, and discovered this shocking fact: what you spend depends on what you’re eating. Beef and dairy products did get more expensive last month. On the other hand, fruits, vegetables, and egg salad sandwiches dipped with root beer spilled on them have gotten cheaper.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Overall, food prices in the United States have increased 1.4 percent in the past year - a much slower rate of increase than energy (5.9 percent) or medical care (3.6 percent). Costs for clothing have actually decreased 1.2 percent, which explains why Lady Gaga’s meat dress is actually a status-grab.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Our sustenance comes to us more cheaply than anywhere else in the world. The average American spends about 10 percent of his or her income on food, compared to upwards of 75 percent for impoverished residents of certain Third-World countries, <a href="http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/78b06d1a-f226-11df-9118-00144feab49a,dwp_uuid=a955630e-3603-11dc-ad42-0000779fd2ac.html#axzz15gRcYNKe">according to the Financial Times</a>.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">In other words, while you’re ordering that cheese-steak with ice cream for dessert, and complaining about the bill, some 13-year-old in Sri Lanka is spearing a pigeon for his only meal of the week.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">If that perspective does not ease your querulous lamenting, I do have a few tips for saving money on groceries:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">1. Whenever you go to the grocery store, buy 29 gallons of milk.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Milk is always the first thing we run out of. It is the barometer of our grocery-buying habits. As long as we have milk, we don’t need groceries yet. And when we run out of milk, we go to the store.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The problem is, every time we go to the store, we spend $135, regardless of when we were last there and what may or may not be in the pantry at home.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">So don’t let yourself run out of milk until you’ve run out of a lot of other stuff first. Freeze it, if necessary, so you don’t have any reason to go shopping for food until you’re desperate enough to eat some of your smaller household insects.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">2. Start a garden. Rumor has it you can make food appear out of the dirt. (Weird, huh?) Find out how.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">3. Eat at restaurants all the time. Watch your grocery expenses plummet!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">4. Hawk coupons online. Gone are the days when you buy two extra copies of the Sunday paper so you can clip enough coupons to save the amount you spent on extra copies of the Sunday paper. Now, coupon aggregators, retailers, and manufacturers make it easy for old ladies like you to feel technologically savvy.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">5. It would not surprise me of gerbil tonsils are considered a delicacy in certain parts of Sri Lanka.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-51031095943780991482010-11-12T20:43:00.000-08:002010-11-19T12:04:42.531-08:00Eschew the Cruise<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">You might have heard of the so-called “Nightmare Cruise,” Carnival’s 1,000-foot boat “Splendor” that drifted helpless in the Pacific Ocean last week after an engine fire. Power failed, toilets backed up, helicopters dropped emergency supplies of Pop Tarts and Spam, and, according to one passenger, “a lot of people were getting smashed off warm beer.”</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Sounds like a typical week at my house, really. What’s the big deal?</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">After six tug boats towed the ship to San Diego, it became clear that this would become one of the most amusing and surreal mainstream news stories to appear in quite some time. Here are two actual quotes the Associated Press got from disembarking passengers:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“It was nothing like it was advertised in the brochure.” Hmmm... You don’t say?</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“This could be the only cruise where people lost weight instead of gaining weight.” Sign me up!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">A 42-year-old man was one of the first of the 4500 vacationers let off the ship because it was his birthday. So much for women and children first.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">What kind of sociopathic twit looks around at their fellow passengers, including old ladies who had not been able to get their own food for days because elevators weren’t working, and says, “Can I go first? I’m turning 42 today.”</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">I have never been on a cruise. And I probably couldn’t go if I wanted to, either, because my wife can’t deal with feeling even remotely trapped. This is a woman who suffered a panic attack at Disney’s “Spaceship Earth” a mere 20 yards from the start of the ride because she thought there would be no way to get out if something went wrong. This was after we had already passed four clearly marked emergency exits.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">So I can’t speak from experience regarding cruises. But I have seen “The Love Boat,” and I have watched a video on Youtube called “</span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HVAKhtUeGs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Pacific Sun Cruise Liner in Heavy Seas</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">” (necessary viewing), which qualifies me as an authority on all maritime matters.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">On a cruise, you’re isolated in the middle of nowhere with a few thousand other people who mainly want to get drunk. In other words, it’s just like living in rural Maine. You might as well just stay home and save money.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Oh, sure, cruises have swimming pools and live entertainment. So does Las Vegas, or even Boston. The advantage of those places is you can leave if </span><a href="http://articles.cnn.com/2010-02-23/travel/caribbean.cruise.illness_1_cruise-ships-gastrointestinal-illness-cruise-line?_s=PM:TRAVEL"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">something goes wrong</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">, and the chances of drowning or being eaten by a shark are relatively small.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Granted, cruises are usually “all-inclusive.” Unlike visiting a major city, there is no need to figure out meals or transportation. Paying strangers to take care of all your basic needs appeals to a lot of people who apparently also can’t wait until they’re old and feeble enough to be admitted at an “Assisted Living” facility.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Cruise ships do occasionally stop at exotic ports, which are usually named “St. John.” But nobody dares disembark for fear that they’ll not have enough money to bribe the crack-dealing cab driver to not leave you with the sex traffickers.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">So take it from me. Avoid any vacation that you cannot run from.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">In fact, why don’t you come stay for a few days at my house. I’ve got Spam!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></span></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-12875636982462417462010-11-06T07:19:00.000-07:002010-11-06T07:27:32.786-07:00I'm Lovin' Immortality<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The liberal assault on American Values and our Sacred Traditions continues.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">First they came for the traditional gender roles. I didn’t say anything because I hadn’t been born yet.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Then they came for school prayer. I didn’t say anything because I was in school, busy saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Then they came for marriage. I didn’t say anything because I suspected that even if they did away with marriage, this woman would still be around every day to make sure I knew how clueless I was about everything; I just wouldn’t be able to call her my “wife.”</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Now they’ve come for the Happy Meal, and that’s where I draw the line.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Growing up, the Happy Meal was the Holy Grail.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Its cheap plastic toy, usually broken or tossed aside within minutes of being opened, produced unparalleled thrills of anticipation.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">There were always three or four different ones at a time, clearly displayed during my Saturday morning cartoons. Which one would it be? To get the same toy you received in your last Happy Meal was considered a complete rip-off.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">This experience has united generations across the socio-economic, political, and racial spectra. It is more American than Apple Pie, given that most children have probably eaten way more Happy Meals than apple pies, unless you count those harmonica-styled ones McDonald’s sells in those little cardboard boxes, full of a disgusting, sticky goo that you can’t eat for 45 minutes because it was heated on the surface of the sun.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">But now, the City of San Francisco, always at the forefront of chipping away at personal liberty and family values, is threatening to prohibit McDonald’s from putting toys in Happy Meals, at least until the food gets healthier.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The proposed law would prevent any restaurant from giving a toy with a meal that contains more than 600 calories and 640 milligrams of sodium. No more than 35% of the calories could come from fat.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Not surprisingly, this completely unreasonable idea makes the the folks at McDonald’s Grimace.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">According to nutrition information provided at their corporate website, a cheeseburger Happy Meal with a carton of 1% milk provides about 600 calories (35% from fat).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">In other words, the City of San Francisco is asking McDonald’s to keep their Happy Meals pretty much the same, at least in terms of caloric intake.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">But then there’s the sodium. The Happy Meal described above carries 1000 grams, which is about 80% of the recommended daily amount for a five-year-old.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">San Francisco officials want McDonald’s to cut way cut back on the salt. But where will all those Bay Area children get their sodium then? From peanuts? Please.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">McDonald’s franchise owner Scott Rodrick said it best when he told the San Francisco Chronicle that the city’s Board of Supervisors, “just took the happy out of Happy Meal.”</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Not to mention the preservatives. As numerous people (like Morgan Spurlock, maker of the film “SuperSize Me”) have shown, a Happy Meal can last at least a year in open air at room temperature without decomposing.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">McDonald’s food does not go bad. Besides being a tremendous advantage for the corporation’s storage and delivery system, it means, as one Internet pundit noted, that I should have the parental right to give my children everlasting life by feeding them Happy Meals every single day.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Who can argue with that?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-40068046678121400642010-10-29T20:10:00.000-07:002010-10-29T20:12:13.365-07:00The Important Lesson of Exploding Underwear<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.4125547433686164"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It feels good to get the last of my firewood split and stacked before October’s chilly breeze turns to November’s biting frost.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But that dog turd has other ideas.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As my splitting maul careens down toward that first unfortunate log, I slip on an ill-placed pile of poop. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">My legs split. The log does not.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-styProxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">What should happen next is a drastic groin injury that leaves me whimpering on the ground until my wife comes out to check on me. I would tolerate her amused ridicule as long as she is prepared to deal with the firewood until I recover from surgery.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Instead, I manage to land on one knee to avoid serious injury. I was lucky.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">My wood splitting area is a known dog defecation zone. I should have checked. I just was not using my noggin.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Such embarrassing moments keep us humble. I can accept their necessity.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But what if your underwear explodes?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I read about a woman in the early 1950s who bought a new netted underskirt made with nitrocellulose, a basic ingredient in gunpowder. She wore it to a New Year’s Eve party. One casual flick of a cigarette, and BOOM! She suddenly became the center of attention.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Oh, sure. It’s funny now. The woman, in her highly charred state, did not find it quite so amusing. Hers was one of several incidents that sparked (heh, heh) the Flammable Fabrics Act of 1953.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">That’s right: the government had to step in and make it illegal to sell highly combustible clothing. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">After</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> a series of lethal and disfiguring incidents.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s easy to look back now and see how stupid that was. Unthinkable nowadays, right?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">If you believe that, I’ve got a yard full of dog turds to show you.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Remember in 2007, when a bunch of Thomas the Train toys were recalled because they contained lead? People who sent their trains back received an extra toy train as a complimentary gift.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">How thoughtful of the distributor, RC2 Corp. Too bad the new toy train also contained lead.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You can’t possibly fire enough people to make up for such epic incompetence.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I read about all this stuff in a book called “Slow Death By Rubber Duck,” by Rick Smith and Bruce Lourie. It describes “The Secret Danger of Everyday Things;” how toxic chemicals ubiquitously and invisibly inhabit just about everything in your house.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“From the time we get up from a good night’s sleep under our wrinkle-resistant sheets (treated with the known carcinogen formaldehyde) to the time we go to bed after a snack of microwave popcorn (the interior of the bag coated with an indestructible chemical that builds up in our bodies), pollution surrounds us.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The authors experimented on themselves, exposing their own bodies to mercury, phthalates, bromine, BPA, and bunches of other toxins widely available at the supermarket, proving that the human body does absorb this stuff - not just in massive, unrealistic quantities, but through normal use of common products.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">They enumerate some steps you can take to protect yourself, but stress that public awareness and better regulation are the only long-term solutions.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Maybe 50 years from now, people will look back on how we dressed our kids in pajamas coated with poisonous flame-retardants and stored our food in chemical-leeching plastic containers, and wonder what the hell we were thinking.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Sometimes I wonder if we’ll make it that far. Our scientific knowledge and technological advancements truly are remarkable. But we don’t really know that much.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We know just enough to be dangerous.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-37595602788146203162010-10-22T12:48:00.000-07:002010-10-23T19:03:54.389-07:00Polishing the Dull Cutlery<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.9733939311597526"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">After the Bangor Daily News </span><a href="http://www.bangordailynews.com/story/Opinion/Eliot-Cutler-for-Governor,156357"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">endorsed Eliot Cutler</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">, I got an impolite mailing from the Democratic Party. It painted Cutler as an Earth-raping tree pillager in bed with the oil companies.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I don’t know if this is true, but I do know it was a pretty weak attempt at a campaign flier.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); bacProxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />round-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">To start with, they used a picture of Cutler smiling harmlessly. Granted, they darkened the picture, trying to make him look grainy and foreboding, but they failed to create the impression of a villain eager to spread black viscous slime all over our pristine coastline.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Most campaign attack ads use rather unflattering photos of the target. They dig around for a picture of him yelling maniacally, picking his nose, or at least frowning. You mean to tell me the Democrats could not find a single picture of Eliot Cutler frowning?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I saw Cutler at the Common Ground Fair. He was frowning all over the place. He frowned his way from the political action tent all the way over to the lamb-ka-bobs. Where was the Donkey photo sniper?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I tried to remain close to see if Cutler would notice that a likely voter was standing a few feet away, waiting to be persuaded. But he just kept frowning along, surrounded by a group of young supporters in white Cutler tee-shirts. The supporters were smiling, albeit nervously. I’m not sure they’d ever seen hippies before.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">At any rate, the Democrats don’t really need to worry about the BDN endorsement. Cutler has the campaigning skills of a sea urchin.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Plus, in a different editorial, the BDN </span><a href="http://www.bangordailynews.com/story/Opinion/Anger-Management,156580"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">endorsed a moderate, rational approach to politics</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">, and you can see how influential that was.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It is true; running a government is complicated and requires nuance and careful thought, rather than knee-jerk angry reactivity. But talk to the average voter about any divisive issue, and you’ll see that even the ones who think they’re rational are really just controlled by vague impulses and subconscious fear.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">People are all wound up about Cutler working as a lobbyist for Chinese corporations, as if Chinese wealth is grown by exploitation, but ours is not. Meanwhile, they flock to Wal-Mart and fill their carts with stuff that was Made in China.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Hypocrisy springs eternal.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Then we have a recent </span><a href="http://www.pollingreport.com/immigration.htm"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">CBS News poll</span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> showing that 61% of Americans think illegal immigration is a “very serious” problem. Republicans and Tea-Baggers lead the charge to close our borders.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">They have no sense of irony. Illegal immigrant labor reduces the costs of goods and services in the U.S. by an average of 5%, according to the non-partisan National Research Council.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">If someone proposed a 5% sales tax increase on everything sold in the United States, Republicans would have a fit the size of Great Britain. They’d raise a valiant defense against this assault on small business and corporate stockholders.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But I guess we can afford the extra expense if it means fewer people with brown skin hanging around.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Maybe the BDN is correct in noting that we should vote for someone who actually knows what’s going on, and that Cutler is the only candidate with an actual detailed plan to solve Maine’s fiscal problems.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But he’s still going to lose. And so will Mitchell. They do not have LePage’s edge, the proper outrage and intensity we look for in a candidate we expect to Change Everything. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Democrats: Stop putting out cheesy fliers. Save your money for 2012 and 2014. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And hire some more photo snipers.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-40550085908309524902010-10-15T11:23:00.000-07:002010-10-15T11:24:34.610-07:00Take This Halloween Costume Advice and Shove It<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >When your kid reaches age five, is already smarter than you, an awkward mix of pride and shame antagonizes the ego. You could show a terrier a fire hydrant made of steak and he’d be less confused.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >As a child, my Halloween costumes were a series of comic mishaps worthy of a much larger audience. If reality TV had existed back then, I might have been rich and famous.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >My parents, God love them, were happy to oblige whatever crazy costume idea I came up with each year. This was exceedingly educational. Read on to partake of my wisdom.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >Once I was a mummy. They wrapped me in about $60 worth of toilet paper, only to find that whenever I moved any limb at an angle of five degrees or more, the paper ripped. By the time I got to the car (we lived in the woods and had to drive to the suburbs for Trick-or-Treating) I had inadvertently<br />shredded the costume.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; Proxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />xt-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >DO NOT DRESS YOUR CHILD AS A MUMMY FOR HALLOWEEN.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >Then I went through a series of box-oriented costumes. One year I was a robot, the next, a birthday present. There might have been a jack-in-the-box mixed in there somewhere, as well; I’m not sure.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >At any rate, my mother slaved for hours elaborately decorating large cardboard boxes in colored paper and tin foil, only to discover on Halloween night that the costume would not fit into our undersized Subaru station wagon.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >You’d think we would have realized somewhere along the way that the whole box thing was a poor idea.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >DO NOT MAKE A BOX COSTUME FOR YOUR CHILD unless you’re absolutely certain you won’t have to drive him or her anywhere for a while.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >I vaguely remember my mother pressuring me to be a pirate one year. I must have been just a little tyke, but the idea of wearing an earring scared me to bits, partially because I imagined searing pain in my earlobe, and partially because boys did not wear earrings in those days unless they wanted to be picked on relentlessly.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >It’s too bad that I felt the need, as a six-year-old with big plastic glasses, to assure everyone how manly I was by not wearing an earring. I might have had more fun.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >At any rate, needless to say, DO NOT PRESSURE YOUR CHILD INTO CROSS-DRESSING.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >Another year, when I was closer to adolescence, I got the idea of dressing as Johnny Paycheck, who sung the famous tune “Take This Job and Shove It.” Instead of saying “Trick or Treat” at every house, I wanted to say, “Take this Halloween Candy and Shove It.” Thankfully, I was talked out of that idea.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >No matter how original and avant garde your child may feel, DO NOT PERMIT HIM TO DRESS AS A DISGRUNTLED COUNTRY MUSIC STAR. (But a gruntled country music star would be fine.)</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >Also, please resist the temptation to dress your child as a politician. Every year I see shorties running around in Regan masks and Bush masks and it makes me wonder if there’s been a robbery at Midget National Bank or something.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >I admit, though, a Paul LePage costume would be pretty scary, but you’d have to instruct your child to curse at people after saying “Trick or Treat.” Then, if they don’t give the exact candy he wants, he should storm angrily away from the house.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:#0000e0;" >My daughter, wiser than I ever was, is a bumblebee this year. If my ego can recover from the sting we’ll have a great time.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br /><br /><br /></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-21440749430635335312010-10-08T12:28:00.000-07:002010-10-08T12:30:12.893-07:00Sink Your Teeth into Referendumb 2010<span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" id="internal-source-marker_0.2322790852206862" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Teeth are not that important.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Unless you’re having a root canal. Sure, as some sadistic guy in a white coat is jamming sharp pieces of metal into our gums, we all promise to take our dental health much more seriously from now on.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >But once the procedure is over, and the pain subsides, and the bills are paid, you are free to go back to basically ignoring your teeth. And most of us do.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Eventually they all fall out anyway and you need dentures. It is the way of our ancestors. Why should we think we’re any better?</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="vertical-align: basProxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />ine; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >No one’s teeth are worth $5 million, which is why I’m urging you to vote NO on Question 2 November 2.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >What, you didn’t realize there was a Question 2? There’s always a Question 2. It’s the resentful younger sibling of Question 1, always getting less attention and respect.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >“Damn, you Question 2,” says the Secretary of State when he’s had too much to drink. “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Sexy Question 1 is about a casino (again) this year, this time somewhere in Oxford County. In several different votes, the People of Maine have made themselves clear how they feel about casinos: As long as they’re run by white people, we don’t mind.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >This time around, it’s a “group of investors” who think they can make some money, not just some tribe trying to recover a little dignity and financial viability. I guess if the people in Oxford County are willing to put up with it, who are we to say no?</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Casinos are seedy, unhealthy, addictive, and depressing. But so is McDonald’s, and we don’t seem to mind building those every 500 yards or so. Follow the money. </span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Speaking of money, don’t forget those bond issues that always pop up further down the ballot, trying to drive this state into (further) financial ruin, urging us to borrow incomprehensible sums for stupid things that don’t matter, like teeth.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Question 2 proposes greater access to dental care and funding for dental schools.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Obviously, the public would benefit from this. It would also benefit from weekly yoga and massage therapy for every citizen. Imagine everyone strolling through life in waves of relaxed bliss!</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >But we can’t mortgage away the future for luxuries like being happy or not having to use dentures.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Meanwhile, Question 3 lurks at the bottom of the page asking for almost $10 million to conserve land and state parks. Again, a nice gesture, ensuring that future generations have places to enjoy nature besides what manages to grow between cracks in the sidewalk, but is it really worth mortgaging our financial future?</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Actually, when you look at the whole picture, it’s worth the money. The only reason people from away drop their filthy money in Maine is because of our pristine outdoor spaces (well, that and the casinos). They’re certainly not here for the night life, and they’re definitely not here to see thousands of acres of clear-cuts.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >Every dime of interest we spend on the Question 3 bond will come back to us through the tourism industry. And it will buy the priceless satisfaction and security of knowing that future generations will always be able to put food on the table self-sufficiently by hunting and fishing.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" >That is, if they’re able to chew anything besides soup and yogurt.</span><br /><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ><br /></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(0, 0, 224); font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-26954150259984354012010-10-03T18:36:00.000-07:002010-10-03T18:39:02.622-07:00Where is My Damn Column?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Folks, I'm sorry to say I didn't have a chance to write a column this week. My wife has been pretty sick, which means I have extra parenting and worrying to do. Feel free to peruse the archives if you miss me, and take comfort in knowing I'll resume providing mediocre entertainment next weekend.</span></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-78013668159540359572010-09-25T18:11:00.000-07:002010-09-25T18:12:50.874-07:00Bring Out The Best<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.6765388354056786"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It has become fashionable to blame lazy, incompetent teachers, and the unions that protect them, for all the ills of public education.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As a lazy, incompetent teacher, I’m offended. Here’s why.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Let’s say, hypothetically, that you have a job in the food service industry. It doesn’t pay that well, but it’s steady work, you like the schedule, and it sure beats your last gig as Libby Mitchell’s campaign manager.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rProxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Your employer offers you a $15,000 bonus if you increase your productivity this year. You’d be willing to work a little harder for that, right? And maybe try some new ideas that might make you more efficient? Of course!</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But how is your “productivity” going to be measured? Suppose your employer decides to base this awesome bonus on how well you can keep five tons of mayonnaise from going bad over the next 12 months.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">As pallets full of economy-size jars of Miracle Whip begin to appear on the loading dock, you know there are obviously things you can do to keep the gooey white stuff as fresh as possible. Some fit nice and snug in your freezer. A few are loaded with special NASA chemical preservatives, and therefore would not go bad if you neglected them completely for ten years. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But plenty of others appear to have already been left out in the sun for a few days, and there are hundreds more whose history is unknown. You struggle all year, trying new ideas and doing the best you can, but at some point, no matter what, your workplace is going to smell worse than a dead skunk in a landfill. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">(Feel free to stop here and go make yourself a tuna sandwich if you want. I’ll wait.)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Malaise sets in as you realize that keeping mayonnaise fresh has very little to do with your actual job, which is to keep customers happy. Condiment freshness is part of that, but there’s a lot more that goes into it, such as having a good memory, working quickly, and resisting the temptation to bring a sidearm to work.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And then you find out that Miracle Whip isn’t even mayonnaise. It’s “salad dressing.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">If you’re wondering where I’m going with all this, you’re not alone. Please bear with me.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Researchers at Vanderbilt University just released a study that shows offering teachers extra pay if their students’ test scores improve has absolutely no impact.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">For three years, half the teachers in the study were given $5000 to $15,000 per year in bonuses if their students’ scores improved. The other half continued to work under the normal pay scale, without any opportunity for bonuses.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In the end, there was no difference between the two groups’ test scores.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">This tells us one of two things: A) That teachers are already so loaded with cash that it will take a lot more dough than that to motivate them; or B) They’re all using the same mayonnaise.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Does this mean merit pay is a dumb idea? Maybe. But the study mostly illustrates a different problem: standardized tests do not give a complete measure of teaching and learning. They’re just one small part of the system of figuring out how well a teacher teaches and a student learns. If you’re going to track down “lazy” and “incompetent” teachers, do it with a system that actually works, and accounts for all the nuances and complexities of the job.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In other words, by all means, “Bring out the Hellman’s.” But if that’s all you feed people, you won’t be in business for very long.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-35221096717206992032010-09-18T21:10:00.000-07:002010-09-18T21:12:04.311-07:00How to Make Recycling More Festive<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.6287992162590115"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Do you ever wonder what happens to all your garbage once you’ve watched the nice humanoids on the truck remove it from the curb?</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Me, neither. I’ve got better things to think about than the fate of my used sandwich baggies and blood-stained towels.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But then I went to the American Folk Festival. Sure, the singing and dancing were soul-stretching, the food was fabulous, and the children’s area occupied my five-year-old for a whopping ten minutes, but easily the greatest attraction of the whole weekend was the Zero-Sort Recycling Bag of Fail.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You remember the one I’m talking about, if you went to the festival. It was right at the end of the food court. Some engineering genius figured out that you don’t need an entire bin to throw recyclables into; you just need a flimsy aluminum frame from which you can hang a clear plastic bag.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Well, no one told the wind about this wonderful plan, so this contraption spent most of the weekend collapsing like a central African government, only to be hoisted up time after time by a good-hearted volunteer. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I watched for hours. I really wanted to see this sad sack conquer the elements, so as not to give Zero-Sort (also called, “Single Stream,” which connotes either urine or the movie “Ghostbusters,” so I’ll stick with “Zero-Sort”) a bad name.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I’d love to not have to sort my recyclables anymore. For one thing, it would save time and space. For another thing, I would not have to deal with the Recycling Police at my local transfer station.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You see, curbside pickup in my town ends about 30 yards from my house. So every weekend, I dutifully load up my vehicle with refuse and haul it to the transfer station (formerly known as “the dump”), where a fellow in coveralls greets me as though I’m bringing him a radioactive chihuahua with poor bladder control.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I don’t know what it’s like to work at a transfer station, but this dude is way too stressed out. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">He scurries over to make sure I’m not throwing any used condoms in with the tin cans, or whatever other shenanigans he thinks I might try and pull. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“What have you got?” he asks.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Mixed paper,” I answer.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">He says “Jesus” in a tone of voice that means he really regrets coming to work on a day when some idiot would try to recycle a bunch of paper.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I stand there for a minute, wondering if he’s going to break down and cry or tell me it’s okay to do what I came to do. Eventually I get permission to proceed, and invariably he spots Something That Should Not Be In There.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“That’s garbage,” he says, pointing to a plastic yogurt container I attempted to add to the “colored plastic containers” bin.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Great. Now he’s caught me trying to make more work for him, and I feel like a complete jerk.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It turns out that only plastics labeled with a number 2 are accepted at this particular Recycling Center of Needless Anxiety. I’ll never be able to show my face there again.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">All of this could be avoided if Zero-Sort recycling was the norm. It’s already gaining traction in Bangor and Brewer; the rest of us should jump on board right away. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Because, as it stands now, I have to wait until next year’s Folk Festival to get rid of all my recyclables.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-67735709161803094502010-09-11T07:27:00.000-07:002010-09-11T07:36:44.366-07:00Lifestyles of the Sick and Pudgy<span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">The United States is no longer the most totally awesome nation in the world, according to the World Economic Forum’s new </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="" href="http://www.weforum.org/en/initiatives/gcp/Global%20Competitiveness%20Report/index.htm"><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Global Competitiveness index</span></span></span></span></a></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">In fact, we’ve fallen to 4th on the list, which is designed to quantify long-term economic viability, fiscal health, and overall coolness. </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">It tends to reflect each country’s overall quality of life by measuring strength of infrastructure (our pristine roadways), commitment to innovation (new iPhone apps that mimic lava lamps), and public confidence in government institutions (let’s not go there).</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Just two years ago, we were sitting pretty at Number One. Everyone wanted to be us.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">What the hell happened?</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">I’ll tell you what happened. They stacked this whole ranking system against us.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">According to WEF analysts, we declined because of increased debt. In case you weren’t paying attention, our government just went and borrowed an asinine amount of money to sidestep a “depression” in favor of an “economic downturn” (a less alarming euphemism for “recession that should end any year now”).</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">This was on top of the previously asinine amount of money borrowed to fund a pair of wars, along with untold billions of debt accrued to pay for rebuilding doorways for our giant fat arses to fit through.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span><a style="" href="http://www.forbes.com/2007/02/07/worlds-fattest-countries-forbeslife-cx_ls_0208worldfat_2.html"><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">According to Forbes Magazine</span></span></span></span></a></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">, the U.S.A. is the 9th most overweight nation on Earth, with about 74% of us sporting a Body Mass Index more than 25. A BMI of 30 qualifies as “obese.” </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">The eight nations heavier than us on the fat scale are all tiny Pacific Islands you’ve never heard of, where people survive on leftover SPAM shipped from Australia, and they can’t go jogging because it only takes 45 steps to cross the entire country.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">As the fluffiest industrialized nation in the world, we find ourselves at a severe handicap when it comes to competitiveness. Switzerland, which claimed the Number One ranking in global competitiveness, checks in at a svelte 50% of its population overweight, good for 63rd fattest in the world.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">In Singapore (3rd most competitive), anyone using a public restroom has their excess body fat trimmed off with invisible lasers.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Aside from discriminating against fatsos, the competitiveness index also favors smaller countries. Most in the top ten have around 5 million people or less; at 310 million, we are easily the biggest country in that range, with more than twice as many people as Japan (8th).</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">No other large countries even come close. China and its 1.3 billion people ranked 27th, not too far from Iceland, which just saw its entire banking system collapse like a poodle carrying a lawnmower, only faster. </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">But what is the most glaring flaw in the WEF measurements? They completely ignore the fact that all these other so-called “prosperous” countries are on the way to bankrupting themselves by offering universal healthcare. </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">The United States is the only nation in the top 30 on this index that does not offer government-paid medical services for all citizens.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Come on. Did these “world-renowned economists” get their diplomas out of a Happy Meal or something? Don’t they see how the U.S.A. is positioning itself for continued world domination by basing </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="" href="http://prescriptions.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/04/us-health-care-spending-rose-at-record-rate-in-2009/"><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">a massive chunk of its economy</span></span></span></span></a></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""> (17.5%) on exploiting the sick and pudgy?</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">I say we ignore the World Economic Forum and its twisted anti-American agenda. Carry on as normal. If things get really bad, we can always invade Switzerland.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><br /></span></span><br /></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-85224589622684174512010-09-04T19:48:00.000-07:002010-09-09T13:59:23.110-07:00Life’s a Breach... of Communication<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >I didn’t feel like going to the beach. My wife didn’t feel like going to the beach. Our five-year-old wasn’t in the mood for it, either.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >So how did we all end up speeding down the highway against our will for an afternoon in the sun, sand, and waves?</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >The idea first came up well after noon. “It’ll be 2:00 by the time we get in the car,” I said. “It’s not worth three hours of driving for so little time to spend there.”</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >My wife’s response to this highly logical and irrefutable point -- this is the critical part -- was to argue against it.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >She started talking abouProxy-Connection: keep-alive<br />Cache-Control: max-age=0<br /><br />low tide and finding starfish and this possibly being our last chance to enjoy a sunny day at the beach before fall.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >Listening to all that, I stupidly concluded that my wife wanted to go to the beach. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >What was actually going on, I found out later, was that she felt ambivalent, and adopted the position opposite mine as a way of trying to figure out what she wanted.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >In other words, she was not saying what she felt, just trying stuff out. How bass-ackwards is that?</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >Anyway, we went back and forth for a while, and eventually I decided that I didn’t care that much, so if she wanted to go to the beach that badly, we might as well go. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >So I said, “Alright, let’s go.” She interpreted this to mean that </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >I </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >wanted to go, and decided she might as well go along with what I wanted, since she couldn’t make up her mind.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >To be fair, the words “I want to go to the beach” never left her mouth, and I never asked, “Do you really want to go to the beach?” Still, that was small consolation once we were being serenaded with “are we there yet” and “I’m bored” over and over and over.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >By now I’ve been married long enough to have more or less forgotten what it was like to be with other women. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >So it’s hard for me to know if most women view communication as a tool for experimenting with ideas and torturing their husbands, or it’s just this one woman who agreed to marry me, presumably as an expression of her actual intent. (If you have any insight on this question, please pass it along.)</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >At any rate, we ended up spending a fabulous couple of hours at Popham Beach, where the image of my daughter delightfully dancing and cartwheeling along in the shallow waves became my most vivid summer memory.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >So I can’t really complain.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >Especially since the love of my life would be quick to point out some of my own communication flaws. For example, she often complains that I don’t seem to be listening or paying attention to what she’s saying.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >I have a simple explanation for this: my genitals. </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >In the book “A Cultural Approach to Interpersonal Communication,” Daniel Maltz and Ruth Borker explain how how men and women are trained to use conversation cues differently.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >For example, when a woman says “yes,” or “um-hmm,” to someone to whom she’s listening, she is likely to mean, “Okay, I’m listening. Please continue.” When a man uses them, he probably means, “Please take off your clothes.”</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >Ha! Just kidding. They mean “I agree with you.” </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >The authors say this type of misunderstanding explains why men can never figure out what women are really thinking, and women feel like we’re never listening.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; font-weight: bold;font-family:Arial;font-size:100%;color:#0000e0;" >Of course, it could have something to do with a little trip to the beach...</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-69333733370407086262010-08-27T08:44:00.000-07:002010-08-27T08:45:26.674-07:00What Happened to Patriotism?<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" id="internal-source-marker_0.9943518114024104"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I was going to write about marriage, and the fact that it is somehow possible to feel completely and happily hinged to another person even though the two of you often communicate as well as schizophrenic earthworms.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Considering how many painful misunderstandings happen between people who love each other, it’s amazing complete strangers on the street can coexist at all.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">To illustrate this point, I’ll save my marital insights for another time so I can clarify something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I argued that building an Islamist Center two blocks from Ground Zero was neither a “poke in the eye,” nor a “slap in the face,” nor any other Three-Stooges-style assault described by right-wing pundits. </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Essentially, I said it was not Islam that attacked America on Sept. 11, 2001, but a group of extremist terrorists who happened to be Muslim. So it makes a lot of sense to ban terrorists from Lower Manhattan, but banning an entire religion seems a little reactionary.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We should take pride in our freedoms, not shirk away from them or resent them because we’re in too much pain to correctly identify our enemies.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">When I made this argument, I took for granted that everyone has a basic understanding of what those freedoms are. How silly of me!</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Instead, many conservatives, ironically some of the most patriotic, flag-waving people you’ll ever meet, seem to possess only a vague awareness of the Bill of Rights.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">(Well, maybe that’s not fair. They have Amendment Number Two down pretty well. But the rest, they’re pretty fuzzy on.)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">One reader emailed me to say that we can let a mosque appear at Ground Zero as soon as Muslims let people build churches and synagogues at the Mecca.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">What are we, in the fifth grade? “I’m only going to do the right thing if the other guy does it first.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Or: “Aww, mom! Why do I have to honor other people’s freedoms? Johnny’s mother doesn’t make </span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">him </span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">honor people’s freedoms.” </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Please pay attention to this brief civics lesson: The First Amendment does not apply only to religions you like or people you agree with. We’re stuck with it, regardless of what happens in Saudi Arabia, so you might as well get used to it, young man.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It reminds me of when Dr. Laura Schlessinger </span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U62jdcxkO2o"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">went on Larry King to complain that her right to free speech had been violated </span></a><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">because so many people voiced anger over her use of a racial slur during her radio broadcast.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Uhm, excuse me, “Dr.” Laura, but the First Amendment does not protect you from being criticized for what you say. Please stop influencing many thousands of Americans who unwittingly seek your advice even though you have the brain of a pygmy marmoset.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Mangling the constitution this way is not just ignorant, it’s dangerous. So you say two blocks from Ground Zero is “too close” for a mosque. What about four blocks? Or a mile? Who’s to say if anywhere in New York City is “too close?” Who gets to decide where we draw the line?<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“I think they should build it in the Middle East,” said one Ground Zero protester, quoted by the Associated Press.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Exactly. If we can ban Islam in Manhattan, why can’t we ban it nationwide? </span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Somewhere in hell’s sewage treatment facility, Adolf Hitler is giggling.<br /><br /><br /></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-1657258721347620322010-08-22T06:55:00.000-07:002010-08-22T06:58:05.710-07:00Some Things to Ponder<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"> Bangor Savings Bank proudly displays this sign at the mall: “Our customers enjoy no ATM fees anywhere, anytime.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">I don’t see why that’s anything to brag about. I don’t enjoy any of the ATM fees my bank charges me, either.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; text-align:center">* * *</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">No visit to the Maine Coast is complete without a stop at Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens in Boothbay.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">We borrowed a couple of passes from our local library so we could visit during the last day of their Fairy Festival.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">We built Fairy Houses, read Fairy Books, and had Fairy Tea while listening to Fairy Music and eating Fairy Ice Cream sprinkled with Fairy Dust.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">We tried to go to the Fairy Dance, but the Fairy Instructor did not adhere to the Fairy Schedule and decided to go home early, probably to drink some Fairy Schnapps and get Fairy Plastered.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">As you might expect, the festival was populated by 78% of the pre-teen girls in Maine, many of whom, like my five-year-old daughter, wore various types of wings and tu-tus.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">I could not believe how packed the place was. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">A handful of young boys, mostly with names like Aden or Hunter, also showed up.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">I’ve never met anyone named Hunter who actually hunts, by the way. People who hunt tend to be named Bill or Steve. There ought to be a law about that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; text-align:center">* * *</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">While I sat poking at this keyboard in a local coffee shop a few weeks ago, a man walked up to me and said, “You must write what has never been written, say what has never been said, and make what has never been made. Otherwise, it’s going in the garbage.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">My response: “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; text-align:center">* * *</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">I had more or less forgotten about the issue of Vanity Plates until I saw one yesterday that said, “RU Sore.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">Really? You paid an extra $25 to ask other drivers if they’re sore, but then not hear the answer? What the hell is the point of that?</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p>I also saw one that said, "ROCKERZ." I immediately wanted to be just like the person driving the car. He was my idol. </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">The day before, I noticed one that said, “TP4MYBH.” If you were a teenager in the 1990s you might recognize this “Beavis and Butthead” mantra, with the “BH” standing for one of your private orifices.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">If you’re bored sometime, find your way to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles website and try searching some of your favorite words on vanity plates. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">Don’t get your hopes up for “GETSOME,” “EATME,” “PSYCHO,” “MUFFDVR,” or “SEXME,” as those are already taken. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">So is “FAIRY,” in case you’re wondering.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">On the other hand, “MASTRB8” is still up for grabs. I’m not sure what to think about that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; text-align:center">* * *</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">The owners of an historic home in Chatham, MA have rebuffed municipal restrictions on their renovation plans <a href="http://www.boston.com/realestate/news/articles/2010/08/19/old_house_new_paint_job_has_chatham_residents_all_abuzz/">by having the house painted lime green and bright yellow</a>.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">As you can imagine, all the wrinkled up “preserve our history so I don’t feel irrelevant” stick-in-the-mud geezers have their Depends in a twist over this abomination.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">History is for museums. It would be one thing if this house was unusually unique or important (“Benjamin Franklin Blew His Nose Here”) in some way unlike dozens of others in self-proclaimed “historic” towns along the New England Coast.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">Besides: The house is attracting more tourism to the town.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">Huh. Imagine that. Allow a little bit of character and uniqueness to seep in, and people want to come see it. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt">Now all they need to do is host a Fairy Festival, and they’ll be all set.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><o:p> <br /></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-61178534383842789022010-08-13T11:57:00.000-07:002010-08-13T14:26:39.772-07:00Loving Thy Enemy<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:3.0in;margin-bottom:5.0pt; margin-left:0in"><!--StartFragment--> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:3.0in;margin-bottom:5.0pt; margin-left:0in"><!--StartFragment--> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:3.0in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">"I love Muslims,” says Pam Geller, a <a href="http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/">notorious right-wing blogger</a>, “but the Ground Zero mosque is an offensive insult and a stab in the eye.”</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">That’s curious. Glenn Beck, who most likely also loves Muslims, has called the mosque proposal a “slap in the face.” </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Which is it?</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Beck even said, “Any attempt to describe it as something other than a slap in the face is another slap in the face.”</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Did you see that? Pam Gellar slapped Glenn Beck in the face! And all of America, too!</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The blasted thing hasn’t even been built yet, and we already look like we’re married to Mel Gibson.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">But we still love those Muslims, gosh-darn it! Love them right to death!</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">A lot of conservatives will twist themselves into knots trying to show that they’re not bigoted. In fact, a simple analysis of recent news shows that they simply don’t know what bigotry is.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Try this thought experiment: Suppose you have a jerk for a neighbor. He plays loud music at all hours, lets his dog poop on your lawn, sets fire to your car, whatever. He also happens to be Mormon.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Fortunately for you, the man’s job gets transferred, and he has to move out of state. But you learn that the person who wants to buy his house, coincidentally, is also Mormon. What is your reaction?</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Well, if you’ve got any brains in your head, you know there are lots of Mormons in the world, and most of them are not feces-distributing arsonists. So you shrug it off and hope for the best.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">If you don’t apply the same standard to Muslims, and instead trump up reasons to treat them differently, you are a bigot.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Witness Beck, who claimed on his August 4 show that Islam is a religion that “is saying we should blow people up.”</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Glenn, buddy: Roughly 1.2 billion people (roughly ¼ of the world population) follow Islam. If even half of them were terrorists, or America-hating terrorist sympathizers, all corners of the globe would have seen an apocalyptic bloodbath long before now.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Or, Witness Gellar, who started the American Freedom Defense Initiative (interesting name, I thought that’s what the military was for):</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">“There is an Islamic history of building triumphant mosques on conquered lands…. We know the imam in charge of this has been dishonest about the funding. He's tied to terrorism."</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">That analysis would make sense, except that a blind baboon could find the holes in it:</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.25in"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. We have not actually been conquered.</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">The stated aim of al-Qaida and the 9/11 hijackers was to destroy our way of life.</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Though our economy has stumbled a little of late, you can still get 118 different varieties of barbecue sauce at the grocery store, see plenty of porn for free on the Internet, and </span></span></span><a href="http://billingsgazette.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_38ac1850-74bc-11df-86cb-001cc4c002e0.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">sue the government for not respecting your Satanist rituals during your incarceration</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">. Way to not even come close to accomplishing your mission, Mr. bin Laden.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. To say the people behind this mosque are “tied to terrorism” is pretty vague and misleading.</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">You could use the same logic to argue that the members of your local Catholic parish are “tied to child molestation.”</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">If you’re truly not a bigot, your attitude should be: Let them build a mosque 2 blocks from Ground Zero. So what? It doesn’t prove anything, other than that we are still the greatest and most tolerant nation in the history of the Earth.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span style=" "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span style=" "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Chuck McKay is a Maine freelance writer, teacher, and a Threat to Our Cherished Way of Life. Email him at </span></span><a href="mailto:chuckrates@gmail.com"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">chuckrates@gmail.com</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">.</span></span></span></i><span style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:.25in; margin-bottom:10.0pt;margin-left:0in;mso-add-space:auto"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:15px;"><br /></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> <p></p> <!--EndFragment--> <p></p> <!--EndFragment-->chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1257731978599370277.post-29340633233580443792010-08-06T19:17:00.000-07:002010-08-06T19:18:12.877-07:00Education Is Your Job (If You’re Not Too Busy)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; "><div style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; background-color: transparent; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Well, it’s the middle of August, when the air thickens with humidity and discussions about how the Red Sox are going to tank again (at least this time they have an excuse, and the health insurance bill to prove it’s a valid one).</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Then there’s the various annual ads and articles about how best to outfit your child for “back to school,” as if that procedure has changed even slightly in the last 75 years.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Backpack. Binder. Pencils. Lunchbox full of crack cocaine and potato chips. Move on.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">While the rest of the world changes rapidly, schools chug along like it’s 1961, and no one except a few consultants and activists seems to notice.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Why?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Well, those who post comments on the Bangor Daily News website seem to know everything. Let’s consult them. Just a moment...</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Yup, I knew it: Every single problem with public education can be traced back to the teachers’ unions.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">School violence? Blame the union. Decaying buildings? You can bet the NEA fed into it somehow. Fights on the bus? The school board’s hands are tied.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Bad teachers? The Unions won’t let us fire them. Does anyone even know what a “bad teacher” looks like? If so, how many are there, really? </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">We can’t count them, apparently. Let me guess: it’s because the union won’t let us, right?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">You may not like it, but I’m going to inject you with some actual facts: </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Massachusetts routinely leads the nation in school performance. Teachers unions are very strong there. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Conversely, unions tend to be weak in Southern states, where test scores tend to lag behind the rest of the country.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Is it any coincidence that Massachusetts is one of the wealthiest states in the country, while people in the South, as I understand from listening to the radio, routinely have to eat something called “Poke Salad” for dinner?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">This juxtaposition of obvious and readily available information has been brought to you by Diane Ravitch, former Assistant Secretary of Education under George W. Bush.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">In her new book, “The Death and Life of the Great American School System,” Ravitch blasts the No Child Left Behind Act, which she once supported. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Ravitch claims the law puts unfair pressure on educators by not accounting for differences between schools in different regions.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">You mean schools in the Bronx are not the same as ones in Skowhegan, and the kids from Skowhegan aren’t even the same as the ones from Kennebunk?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">I am in shock.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The real problem with education is that it is run by politicians, who tend to favor lightweight reforms that look good in headlines, but don’t actually accomplish anything substantial.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Politicians answer to people with money, and people with money tend to have done alright for themselves with schools just the way they are.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Conservatives hold aloft the idea of privatizing schools. That’s not going to make anyone more interested in actual reform. Schools will still function the way people with money want them to, keeping kids busy and ranking them for success. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Real reform can only come from one place: Parents educating themselves about how kids learn and what really goes on inside classrooms.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">A healthy quantity of informed and involved citizens can still get a politician’s ear, at least at the local level.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">That is, if they’re not too busy blaming unions and talking about the Red Sox.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; "></span><br /></span><br /></div></span>chuckrateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08365015824563821045noreply@blogger.com2