Some weeks, it's not easy to spit out this column.
Like when my wife comes down with the flu, which puts me in charge of all the child care, all the housework, all the football watching, and all the undecorating and removing the Christmas tree before it finally turns orange.
So much for my weekend.
Under these conditions, I hope you can forgive my format this week, which was conceived at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night, and my deadline is Sunday at dawn.
I encourage you to browse fark.com sometime, if you haven't already. It's a site that compiles oddball news stories. The best feature is the headlines they write to link to each story, some of which made me laugh so hard I nearly puked up my egg nogg.
If you need any extra incentive, take a look at these gems from their 2009 "Headline of the Year" contest (I almost hesitate to show them to you, since they make my weekly efforts to amuse you look rather pathetic, but I am quite desperate at the moment):
- Marilyn Monroe hormone discovered. Or should it be called Norma Gene?
- Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well, there's your problem.
- North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover.
- Adolf Hitler's family won't see any money from the sale of his paintings, since their past efforts raised a little furor.
- Bristol Palin graduates from high school, despite failing Trig.
- Peephole in door of girl's dorm room reversed; police are looking into it.
- One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away.
- The Pope encourages young people to use the internet, but says they have to use the same computer for the rest of their lives and they'll go to hell if they use any anti-virus software.
- Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off.
- Truck carrying a load of pigs overturns on interstate, witnesses report multiple cases of swine flew.
- Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage.
- 80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean.
- Millions of women find sex unbearable. They can be identified by a ring on the fourth finger of the left hand.
- That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one.
- Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 closed-circuit TV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984.
- Gay couple handcuffed and cited for trespassing after one kissed the other on the cheek in the Mormon temple plaza. Church officials say they've never seen such an inappropriate display in all their wives.
- Feet are washing ashore at Cockey Creek in Maryland. And you don't want to know what's washing up at Footy Beach.
- Group finds high levels of lead in Disney, Barbie toys, which can cause irreversible brain damage. The lead can be harmful too.
- Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetary for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.