Me: 1, William Shatner: 0

If you've been watching those clever commercials for Priceline.com, the ones with William Shatner as "The Negotiator," and you're thinking you might try to use their services to save some money on your next vacation, I have some advice for you.

Don't.  

Go through a local travel agent instead. I'm begging you.

I recently booked airline tickets and a rental car through Priceline, noting on their "help" page that I could get a "full refund" if I canceled within 24 hours of booking.

Being a novice traveler - the type of person for whom a "long trip" means somehow making it out of Penobscot County and back without getting lost - I assumed that "full refund" would mean I'd get all my money back.

Well, as it turned out, I did need to change my itinerary. So I called their toll-free hotline, but was told that the refund only applied to the airline tickets, not the car. The car reservation was non changeable and not refundable.

In other words, I had misread the words "full refund."  Instead, it apparently said "fool's refund."

I have since learned that all these advertised low prices come with all kinds of ridiculous strings attached, some of which Priceline and its competitors won't necessarily make obvious for you from the beginning.

In an attempt to learn more about how consumers can be tripped up if they miss something in the "fine print," I contacted Priceline's media relations department and told them I'd be writing a travel advice column, and that I needed information about its contracts with car rental companies and hotel chains.

The result? Let's just say I got much better customer service from their media relations director than from their customer service department.

Who's the Negotiator now, punk?

Speaking of giant corporations not functioning well:

Apple has just come out with a device called the iPad, bringing it just a little closer to its ultimate goal of trademarking every single word in the English language by putting a lowercase "i" in front of it.

Except this one is going to fail. Miserably.

They might as well start calling it the iFail.

On the surface, I can see the appeal of the iPad. There aren't many other ways to tell the world how important and trendy you are, for one thing.

This device is about the size of an Etch-a-Sketch, which means it will fit conveniently into your pocket if you are Paul Bunyan. What's more, it offers all the most valuable functions of a laptop or a cell phone, except the ones you actually want.

Good luck printing, typing, taking photos, making phone calls, or running more than one program at a time with your iPad.

Come to think of it, you'd be a lot better off with an Etch-a-Sketch. It's a whole lot cheaper, and at least you can bang it against the floor when you get frustrated, and it will still be good as new.

The worst thing about the iPad, though, is that it won't run Adobe Flash, which provides animation and video for roughly 75% of the world's websites.

Priceline.com is one of them, actually, so maybe it's not so bad after all.

Apathy: It's What's For Dinner

Have I got a treat for you!

This column was printed with an experimental new technology: space-age ink that scans your brain and transforms itself into sentences and paragraphs that reflect your interests and beliefs!

Now you'll never have to wonder if there's anything good in the newspaper! Everything you read will be interesting, and you won't have to waste any time thinking about things you don't want to think about.

I'll start with something unpleasant and inconsequential. Watch how fast this column adjusts for your reading pleasure:

Diseased cattle frequently make their way into our food supply, according to recent press reports following the recall of 143 million pounds of beef.

Bah. Americans eat beef all the time, and no one is dying. Take Roger Clemens, for example. Roger Clemens eats beef four meals a day. Roger Clemens took steroids, so we should all spend several hours a day pressuring Congress to think mean things about him.

Roger Clemens is a cheating little twerp.

The beef recall came after the Humane Society of America released undercover footage of apparently routine cattle mistreatment -- cows laying in manure, too sick to move, were electrocuted, kicked, and dragged to slaughter.

This is against USDA regulations, because the workers did not first drill holes in the animals' skulls to let out evil spirits.

Speaking of evil spirits... George Clooney is now single and looking for a middle-aged housewife.

Sick cattle laying in beds of feces are more likely to carry E-Coli or mad cow disease, increasing the risk that the next burger you eat could cause your flesh to start peeling away from your skeleton.

Sex. You're interested in sex, right? Would you like to improve your sex life? Confidence is the key! You are already very desirable and talented in the bedroom. You are THE Man and/or Woman.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

USDA personnel told the Associated Press they don't have enough inspectors to properly ensure the safety of the food supply – further evidence that we Americans don't put our resources where they really matter.

Jacoby Ellsbury will take over as the Red Sox center fielder/pretty boy this year, but not until they trade Coco Crisp for a draft pick... or perhaps a used Etch-a-Sketch.

Curt Schilling should have surgery on his shoulder and on whatever part of the brain houses his ego. The guy has absolutely no perspective.

Do you buy organic or “all natural” food products that don't have artificial hormones or cancer-causing chemicals in them? Of course not. You're no dummy. You figure the cheaper stuff must be safe, or else the grocery store wouldn't be allowed to sell it... right?

Sex! Even More Sex!

While we drive SUVs and dress our overweight or hyperactive kids in expensive sneakers and name-brand clothes, and keep them occupied with high-definition TVs and the latest video games, we pat ourselves on the back for saving $15 on our grocery bill by getting cheap processed snacks and chemically engineered, sodium-drenched convenience meals.

If there was more demand for natural or organic products, maybe the food industry would --

(Oops! Darned technology! Obviously, my invention isn't working quite right. Too much of the original column seeping in. Just needs a quick adjustment.... there. Let's try again.)

As I was saying: the beef recall is nothing to worry about. Probably just an aberration, certainly not a reflection on the mainstream food supply.

We can trust the corporations and the government to protect our food. Let the USDA struggle to fill job openings while we spend billions in Iraq to keep America safe.

You deserve that tax rebate. Go buy yourself something pretty.