Superstition Links Baseball and Politics

Frank McCourt, owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, paid a "healer" from Massachusetts to send "positive energy" toward the team, according to the L.A. Times.

Vladimir Shpunt, 71, performed this service while watching games on television. He said he could not guarantee specific victories for the Dodgers, but thought his efforts perhaps added 10 or 15 wins per season from 2004 through 2008.

It is unclear exactly how much he was paid for this service, but one source says he received a six-figure bonus after the Dodgers won their division two years ago.

I know what you're thinking: An extra 15 victories would make a HUGE difference to the Red Sox in the tough American League East. This guy is right in their backyard. How could they overlook him?

It costs a lot more than six figures for Daisuke Matsuzaka to walk the bases loaded every other inning, or for Mike Lowell to sit in the dugout and look like he's watching his parents have sex.

Get with the program, Red Sox!

What, you're skeptical? Of course you are. But try to keep an open mind. Baseball is full of superstition.

Besides: there may be more empirical science behind this than you think.

From the Times story: "Shpunt said he led a team of Russian scientists that in the 1970s found that heat could travel beneath the skin and through so-called 'gap junctions' between cells, increasing blood flow and promoting healing by directing energy to ill cells without harming healthy ones."

Shpunt eventually discovered that his hands transmitted 10 to 15 times the amount of energy as the average person's, launching him into a second career as a mystical healer.

"In the mid-1980s, he said, he heard a girl complain about hip pain after her legs had been amputated. He said he left her room and thought about how he might help resolve the discomfort, then returned to hear her say the pain had diminished."

It's a miracle!

"That episode, he said, revealed that he could channel that healing energy not just through his hands but over distances."

Exactly. Just like when I was in the 7th grade and I would lie awake every night wishing this girl named Tiffany would develop an interest in me, or at least notice my existence. Finally, at the very end of the school year, I got my wish when she got placed next to me in line for a field day activity. She took a good look at me and said, "Ew! Can I go to a different line?"

Or when I willed Paul LePage to victory in the Republican gubernatorial primary on June 8, knowing his continued candidacy would serve as the only shot Democrats have to retain the Blaine House after Baldacci's eight years of colossal failure.

LePage is General Manager of Marden's, which means he hired that shrill and horrendously annoying woman for their TV ads. As soon as people realize that, he'll have no chance.

Besides, a state that seems happy to elect centrist voices with an independent schtick, LePage's Tea Party-oriented views (for example, he wants creationism taught in public schools and homosexuals denied civil unions) could alienate our vast glut of moderate voters.

Libby Mitchell may also have radical views, but she can hide them behind a record of experience engendering political compromise and grandmotherly wrinkles.

Okay, so LePage has an impressive record, too: he is a successful businessman.

But, then again, so is Frank McCourt.

Do Not Reuse

Finally.

On June 8, Maine voters will narrow down the field of 6,391 irrelevant candidates for governor to two irrelevant candidates for governor.

I have to admit - I paid almost no attention to this election until I noticed the words "Do Not Reuse" on the side of a bottle of apple juice.

Initially, this burned my briefs. Why can't I reuse a plastic bottle? Is it because the bottling company wants me to buy new beverages instead of refilling from my tap?

Then I wandered onto the Internet and discovered all this talk about toxic chemicals leeching into liquids over time as the plastic ages. While some of the anonymous message board experts said the quantities were too small to worry about, others said "better safe than sorry."

So "Do Not Reuse" started to make sense to me. Then I realized that it would make a fantastic campaign slogan for Les Otten, Republican candidate for governor, who pledges to create jobs.

Think about it. Otten's campaign has been accused of plagiarism over and over again, starting with an Obama-inspired campaign logo, and culminating in a written interview response lifted from the Maine Heritage Policy Center, published at AugustaInsider.us.

No question about it: Otten's thriftiness has leeched toxic chemicals into his electability.

What better way to convince the electorate that you've learned your lesson than to remind them in your ads: "Do Not Reuse"?

As slogans go, it certainly beats the rest of the field, starting with Peter Mills's "It's Time."

What, exactly, is it time for, Peter? Lower taxes? A governor with hair? Ritual sacrifices of the elderly on Cadillac Mountain?

How bad is "It's Time?" Mills, who pledges to create jobs, has it on all his signs, but he won't use it in his TV ads, which instead feature the scintillating line, "I'm Republican Peter Mills, and I'm asking for your vote this June 8."

Oooh, zing! 

Steve Abbott checks in with "A Governor for All of Maine." Abbott, who pledges to create jobs, does not specify which parts of Maine his opponents would choose not to govern, but wherever that might be, I'm not sure the people there would consider it such a bad thing.

On the Democratic side, Steve Rowe can't seem to decide on one slogan. His website features four, including (my favorite), "Please make a contribution." 

By the way: Rowe would like to see to it that we get some jobs created.

Rosa Scarcelli offers the simple "Rosa For Maine." I like it. Then again, I have a little crush on Rosa Scarcelli, so it's possible I would like her even if she promised to nominate a pigeon for education commissioner (still an improvement, you have to admit). 

What can I say? I'm an average voter. I'd like Rosa to come create some jobs in my neck of the woods, if you know what I mean, so she'll probably get my vote.

Libby Mitchell: "She gets things done." Yeah, like presiding over epic ineptitude in both houses of the legislature. 

Is she prioritizing jobs? Do you really have to ask?

With all the originality and fresh ideas pulsing through this election already, you have to admit, "Do Not Reuse" would work as well as anything.