Do Not Reuse

Finally.

On June 8, Maine voters will narrow down the field of 6,391 irrelevant candidates for governor to two irrelevant candidates for governor.

I have to admit - I paid almost no attention to this election until I noticed the words "Do Not Reuse" on the side of a bottle of apple juice.

Initially, this burned my briefs. Why can't I reuse a plastic bottle? Is it because the bottling company wants me to buy new beverages instead of refilling from my tap?

Then I wandered onto the Internet and discovered all this talk about toxic chemicals leeching into liquids over time as the plastic ages. While some of the anonymous message board experts said the quantities were too small to worry about, others said "better safe than sorry."

So "Do Not Reuse" started to make sense to me. Then I realized that it would make a fantastic campaign slogan for Les Otten, Republican candidate for governor, who pledges to create jobs.

Think about it. Otten's campaign has been accused of plagiarism over and over again, starting with an Obama-inspired campaign logo, and culminating in a written interview response lifted from the Maine Heritage Policy Center, published at AugustaInsider.us.

No question about it: Otten's thriftiness has leeched toxic chemicals into his electability.

What better way to convince the electorate that you've learned your lesson than to remind them in your ads: "Do Not Reuse"?

As slogans go, it certainly beats the rest of the field, starting with Peter Mills's "It's Time."

What, exactly, is it time for, Peter? Lower taxes? A governor with hair? Ritual sacrifices of the elderly on Cadillac Mountain?

How bad is "It's Time?" Mills, who pledges to create jobs, has it on all his signs, but he won't use it in his TV ads, which instead feature the scintillating line, "I'm Republican Peter Mills, and I'm asking for your vote this June 8."

Oooh, zing! 

Steve Abbott checks in with "A Governor for All of Maine." Abbott, who pledges to create jobs, does not specify which parts of Maine his opponents would choose not to govern, but wherever that might be, I'm not sure the people there would consider it such a bad thing.

On the Democratic side, Steve Rowe can't seem to decide on one slogan. His website features four, including (my favorite), "Please make a contribution." 

By the way: Rowe would like to see to it that we get some jobs created.

Rosa Scarcelli offers the simple "Rosa For Maine." I like it. Then again, I have a little crush on Rosa Scarcelli, so it's possible I would like her even if she promised to nominate a pigeon for education commissioner (still an improvement, you have to admit). 

What can I say? I'm an average voter. I'd like Rosa to come create some jobs in my neck of the woods, if you know what I mean, so she'll probably get my vote.

Libby Mitchell: "She gets things done." Yeah, like presiding over epic ineptitude in both houses of the legislature. 

Is she prioritizing jobs? Do you really have to ask?

With all the originality and fresh ideas pulsing through this election already, you have to admit, "Do Not Reuse" would work as well as anything.

Blaine House = Bland House

Rick Perry, governor of Texas, rejected federal stimulus money, saying Texas could stand on its own. He said his state could secede from the union.

That was just before he complained the feds weren’t doing enough to help him fight swine flu.
Then he fell off a mountain bike and broke his collarbone.

The limousine belonging to Governor Ed Rendell of Pennsylvania was caught careening down the Interstate at 99 mph.

The Las Vegas Sun investigated the work habits of Nevada Governor Les Gibbons, and found that he doesn’t have any. He takes large amounts of vacation time, working a total of five days during a recent nine-week stretch.

Gov. Deval Patrick of Massachusetts and Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana were both caught breaking ethics rules by giving gifts to legislators, not long after they had campaigned against giving gifts to legislators.

Mike Easley of North Carolina, who apparently fell off the political turnip truck about five minutes ago, said it’s the press’s job to “be nice to [him],” and whined that they weren’t doing their job when they exposed failures in the state’s parole system.

And I haven’t even gotten to Blagojevich (sold senate seat), Spitzer (prostitutes), Palin (more wardrobe scandals than brain cells), or Sanford (Venezuelan mistress).

Our governor? He has been AWOL in his Year of Gubernatorial Scandal.

Compared with these people, Baldacci is about as interesting as C-SPAN at 3 AM. I can’t imagine him traveling to Vermont for maple syrup, let alone to Venezuela for an extra-marital tryst.

Can you picture what it must be like at those national governor’s conferences they have every year? You’ve got all these Schwarzeneggers and Palins and other larger-than-life characters, and then over in the corner is Baldacci, looking like a Certified Public Accountant hired for the occasion to make everyone else feel cool and hip.

Never mind Baldacci’s wasteful, pointless education initiatives, his budget bungling, or his inefficient use of federal stimulus money, or his apparent decision to banish the sun.

No, the biggest problem with John Baldacci, and the one thing we can truly fix if we play our cards right, is that he is hideously, remorselessly, painfully boring.

We can do better than this, Maine! In the 2010 election, we can reverse the doldrums that have left us irrelevant, and get ourselves on The Daily Show for once.

We need to change our image.

Some of the early candidates have potential. Start with Les Otten, former part-owner of the Red Sox, whose campaign logo (copied from Obama) and hairstyle (coiffed salt-and-pepper) smack of the slick and sleazy Hollywood politics we can only dream of.

Plus, can you imagine the fun headlines if he ever delivers a first-class scandal? “Guess We Otten-Not Have Voted for The Rich Guy.”

Independent Alex Hammer also has a cool name, one that evokes the power and seductive, quiet confidence of an ‘80s TV detective.

But he looks like a geriatric basset hound, only droopier, and he speaks knowledgeably and in detail about economic issues.

Not good.

Still, he has headline potential (“Hammer to the Slammer”) so let’s all donate $100 to his campaign.

Meanwhile, let’s see if we can get a statewide referendum going on this weather situation.