Public Nursing? Just What I Need... More Stimulus

Before I begin this week's column, which does, in fact, contain the word “nipple,” in case you were wondering, I have to take care of some business.

I sold some space to Senator Susan Collins. I am a shameless, sordid twerp.

But you would have done the same thing in my situation. As I wrote several weeks ago, the IRS was holding on to my $900 stimulus payment, probably as punishment for the fact that I filed my tax return early.

I called the IRS hotline about a dozen times, and was told, basically, to go take a long walk off a short pier.

Desperate for the free money I don't deserve, I contacted Senator Collins' office, and offered to mention her responsiveness in my weekly column if she could help me out.

Despite the fact that I have often made fun of Senator Collins' robotic helium voice, the $900 landed in my bank account two days later, with a “thud.”

Coincidence? Maybe. I prefer to see it as proof that our mammoth bureaucratic government still responds to the concerns of any ordinary citizen who has his own semi-syndicated newspaper column. Democracy works!

Now, on to the topic for this week, about which I'm sure Senator Collins feels the exact same way you and I do: public breast feeding.

Recently, BabyTalk magazine featured on its cover a picture of a baby nursing on an actual human breast, causing immense outrage... and rightly so.

Lots of readers wrote in about how the photo was “gross” or otherwise inappropriate. They are absolutely correct: nothing is as disgusting as the sight of a mother feeding her baby the way God intended.

Whenever I see a mother whip out her nipple in public, I shudder. Does she really have to wave it around like that? It's as if she has a giant neon sign that says, “LOOK AT MY BOOB!” Invariably, these reckless degenerate mommies are just looking for an excuse to indulge their exhibitionism. Otherwise, they would simply pump the milk ahead of time, which by all accounts is completely painless and easy, like having an electric razor attached to your nipple for 30 minutes.

And don't give me that “my baby won't take a bottle” excuse. Everyone knows that all babies are the same, and all babies will take a bottle eventually, even if you have to choke them with it for a few hours to convince them.

Sure, from the baby's perspective, nursing is wonderful. It's an opportunity to connect with its mother in an unfamiliar place, and maybe not be so stinkin' hungry for five minutes. But can't they do it in a bathroom stall? I'm sure you'll agree that most public restrooms are wonderful places to eat.

Besides, who says the baby's needs should come ahead of mine? It's a terrible inconvenience for me to not stare at a woman's breast, or (even worse) to reframe my perception of the breast so that it's not 100% sexual.

And it's not just my needs that are being ignored. The medical establishment seems convinced that breast milk is better than formula, but does anyone consider the needs of the formula industry? What about the folks at Gerber? Does anyone care about them?

Breast milk supposedly contains “antibodies,” but how can they be healthy if they are “anti-body,” or against the body? Something is not right here. It's a conspiracy!

I'm going to write to congress. Sadly, it works.

Apathy: It's What's For Dinner

Have I got a treat for you!

This column was printed with an experimental new technology: space-age ink that scans your brain and transforms itself into sentences and paragraphs that reflect your interests and beliefs!

Now you'll never have to wonder if there's anything good in the newspaper! Everything you read will be interesting, and you won't have to waste any time thinking about things you don't want to think about.

I'll start with something unpleasant and inconsequential. Watch how fast this column adjusts for your reading pleasure:

Diseased cattle frequently make their way into our food supply, according to recent press reports following the recall of 143 million pounds of beef.

Bah. Americans eat beef all the time, and no one is dying. Take Roger Clemens, for example. Roger Clemens eats beef four meals a day. Roger Clemens took steroids, so we should all spend several hours a day pressuring Congress to think mean things about him.

Roger Clemens is a cheating little twerp.

The beef recall came after the Humane Society of America released undercover footage of apparently routine cattle mistreatment -- cows laying in manure, too sick to move, were electrocuted, kicked, and dragged to slaughter.

This is against USDA regulations, because the workers did not first drill holes in the animals' skulls to let out evil spirits.

Speaking of evil spirits... George Clooney is now single and looking for a middle-aged housewife.

Sick cattle laying in beds of feces are more likely to carry E-Coli or mad cow disease, increasing the risk that the next burger you eat could cause your flesh to start peeling away from your skeleton.

Sex. You're interested in sex, right? Would you like to improve your sex life? Confidence is the key! You are already very desirable and talented in the bedroom. You are THE Man and/or Woman.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

USDA personnel told the Associated Press they don't have enough inspectors to properly ensure the safety of the food supply – further evidence that we Americans don't put our resources where they really matter.

Jacoby Ellsbury will take over as the Red Sox center fielder/pretty boy this year, but not until they trade Coco Crisp for a draft pick... or perhaps a used Etch-a-Sketch.

Curt Schilling should have surgery on his shoulder and on whatever part of the brain houses his ego. The guy has absolutely no perspective.

Do you buy organic or “all natural” food products that don't have artificial hormones or cancer-causing chemicals in them? Of course not. You're no dummy. You figure the cheaper stuff must be safe, or else the grocery store wouldn't be allowed to sell it... right?

Sex! Even More Sex!

While we drive SUVs and dress our overweight or hyperactive kids in expensive sneakers and name-brand clothes, and keep them occupied with high-definition TVs and the latest video games, we pat ourselves on the back for saving $15 on our grocery bill by getting cheap processed snacks and chemically engineered, sodium-drenched convenience meals.

If there was more demand for natural or organic products, maybe the food industry would --

(Oops! Darned technology! Obviously, my invention isn't working quite right. Too much of the original column seeping in. Just needs a quick adjustment.... there. Let's try again.)

As I was saying: the beef recall is nothing to worry about. Probably just an aberration, certainly not a reflection on the mainstream food supply.

We can trust the corporations and the government to protect our food. Let the USDA struggle to fill job openings while we spend billions in Iraq to keep America safe.

You deserve that tax rebate. Go buy yourself something pretty.