Pot o' Bold

Once again, it’s time for me to solve all the problems for our state government.

The last time I undertook this project, I suggested that schools close in the winter and stay open in the summer to save on heating expenses.

Since then, heating oil prices plummeted by something like $2 a gallon. Yay me.

Now, then, on to new business. It has come to my attention that Augusta is hard up for cash.

“Maine lawmakers … are pinning their hopes on Washington to help address a looming $800 million-plus shortfall,” writes Francis X. Quinn of the Associated Press.

Okay, first of all, how can you go wrong as a reporter with a name like “Francis X. Quinn”? I picture a svelte, dignified gentleman in a fedora and necktie, oozing integrity.

Or maybe he’s a leprechaun. Either way, I’m ready to believe anything this man says.

“Reflective of State House anxiety and uncertainty,” says Quinn, is “Gov. John Baldacci’s decision to put off a State of the State address until later this month.”

It seems Baldacci can’t summon the gonads to stand up in front of the entire state and say, “We’re broke, so I am about to sell your children to the Church of Scientology.”

He’d rather wait to see if Uncle Sam is willing to be our sugar daddy.

Yeah, get in line.

Our governor has built a reputation for being willing to make the “tough” decisions. By “tough,” of course, I mean “stupidly wrong and destructive.”

Remember all that money we were supposed to save from consolidation? Yeah, it’s a funny story…

Let’s try something more substantive: legalize marijuana, then tax it like crazy.

I can’t figure out why we’re devoting law enforcement resources to control a plant that is less harmful than alcohol, cigars, and most public drinking water.

There are more than 500,000 alcohol-related deaths in the U.S. every year, according to the Washington Post.

I tried to look up statistics for marijuana-related deaths, but I couldn’t find any. That’s because they don’t exist. It would be like scouring the Internet for “toothbrush impalement-related deaths;” sure, it probably happens now and then, but not enough for anyone to bother keeping track.

More compelling is the fact that 42% of Americans have tried pot, according to a survey by the World Health Organization. I’m sorry, but any law that makes almost half the population (including at least two or three presidents and a 14-time gold medalist) criminals is some kind of wicked bogus law.

Let’s face it: the only reason cannabis is still illegal is because hippies like it. Hippies seem to annoy the government.

But with my proposal, we can still stick it to the hippies with outrageous taxes.

If we still haven’t made up the shortfall after that, Baldacci should nominate several of the state’s wealthiest summer residents to positions in his cabinet.

That might be the only way we’ll be able to collect back taxes from them.

You have to admit, this is one bold plan. And, if our stimulus-happy congress has taught us anything, it’s that bold = right.

If only the state government would heed my words. You can do your part: clip this column and send it to your state representative.

Be sure to put “Francis X. Quinn” in your return address.

Public Nursing? Just What I Need... More Stimulus

Before I begin this week's column, which does, in fact, contain the word “nipple,” in case you were wondering, I have to take care of some business.

I sold some space to Senator Susan Collins. I am a shameless, sordid twerp.

But you would have done the same thing in my situation. As I wrote several weeks ago, the IRS was holding on to my $900 stimulus payment, probably as punishment for the fact that I filed my tax return early.

I called the IRS hotline about a dozen times, and was told, basically, to go take a long walk off a short pier.

Desperate for the free money I don't deserve, I contacted Senator Collins' office, and offered to mention her responsiveness in my weekly column if she could help me out.

Despite the fact that I have often made fun of Senator Collins' robotic helium voice, the $900 landed in my bank account two days later, with a “thud.”

Coincidence? Maybe. I prefer to see it as proof that our mammoth bureaucratic government still responds to the concerns of any ordinary citizen who has his own semi-syndicated newspaper column. Democracy works!

Now, on to the topic for this week, about which I'm sure Senator Collins feels the exact same way you and I do: public breast feeding.

Recently, BabyTalk magazine featured on its cover a picture of a baby nursing on an actual human breast, causing immense outrage... and rightly so.

Lots of readers wrote in about how the photo was “gross” or otherwise inappropriate. They are absolutely correct: nothing is as disgusting as the sight of a mother feeding her baby the way God intended.

Whenever I see a mother whip out her nipple in public, I shudder. Does she really have to wave it around like that? It's as if she has a giant neon sign that says, “LOOK AT MY BOOB!” Invariably, these reckless degenerate mommies are just looking for an excuse to indulge their exhibitionism. Otherwise, they would simply pump the milk ahead of time, which by all accounts is completely painless and easy, like having an electric razor attached to your nipple for 30 minutes.

And don't give me that “my baby won't take a bottle” excuse. Everyone knows that all babies are the same, and all babies will take a bottle eventually, even if you have to choke them with it for a few hours to convince them.

Sure, from the baby's perspective, nursing is wonderful. It's an opportunity to connect with its mother in an unfamiliar place, and maybe not be so stinkin' hungry for five minutes. But can't they do it in a bathroom stall? I'm sure you'll agree that most public restrooms are wonderful places to eat.

Besides, who says the baby's needs should come ahead of mine? It's a terrible inconvenience for me to not stare at a woman's breast, or (even worse) to reframe my perception of the breast so that it's not 100% sexual.

And it's not just my needs that are being ignored. The medical establishment seems convinced that breast milk is better than formula, but does anyone consider the needs of the formula industry? What about the folks at Gerber? Does anyone care about them?

Breast milk supposedly contains “antibodies,” but how can they be healthy if they are “anti-body,” or against the body? Something is not right here. It's a conspiracy!

I'm going to write to congress. Sadly, it works.

The Moral Minority

Am I the only person in America who hasn't gotten a stimulus check yet?

Apparently not. When I called the IRS hotline, a recorded voice told me that “due to extraordinarily high call volume,” I should not bother to hold.

No “your call is important to us,” or “thanks for your patience.” Nope. Just, “hang up, please. Now.”

I called again a few days later, and after I punched in my numbers, the voice told me, “there is a delay in processing your stimulus payment.” Gee, ya think?

How hard is it, in this age of databases and government surveillance, to send every taxpayer some money by a certain promised date? And then to anticipate that you might get some phone calls, and hire a few extra people at the IRS call center? This process has been bungled about as thoroughly as we could have expected the Bush Administration to bungle it.

More than 9.63 million taxpayers have still not received their refunds. Even though I have no way of knowing if that figure is remotely close to accurate, the mere fact that I would take the time to make up a number so huge shows that this is a very serious problem.

Fortunately, I've written a poem. I plan to read it to a live human being at the IRS, if I ever get through to one (it's possible the IRS now consists entirely of computers).

Would you like to see my poem? Tough. Here it is:

Late last winter, I sold
My armpit hairs, having told
The other ebay nerd
They belonged to Larry Bird.

All for one tank of oil
Did my grimacing barber toil.
Then you wrote to say
Relief is on the way!

Since my child is worth 300 clams,
That makes 900 back from Uncle Sam
By May 24, you did promise, so
WHERE IS MY DAMN MONEY?!

Hm... I just realized something: Only in America would somebody bother to rhythmically complain because his free money isn't arriving fast enough. Spoiled much?

Time to shut up and move on to something more substantial.

A few weeks ago I wrote a column skewering the Christian Civic League of Maine for its petition drive to enact a senseless law that would allow discrimination against homosexuals.

First of all, they are hardly a “league,” since there's only one team, and if you don't belong to it, you're going to Hell.

I'll leave it to you to decide if the other words in their name are accurate.

Anyway, I criticized their annoying effort to bring us yet another referendumb on an issue voters have already decided maybe 75 times.

I was forced to acknowledge their persistence; after all, history's great triumphs were won only after years and years of sacrifice and frustration.

Not this one, apparently.

The CCL has now dropped its petition drive after collecting only a third of the signatures they hoped to get during the June 10 election, according to the Bangor Daily News.

They apparently had trouble getting volunteers because people feared being labeled bigots or homophobes.

Not surprisingly, there's not a word about any of this on the CCL's website.

That's the kind of tenacity that made America great. Run away because someone might call you names, then wave the white flag and hope nobody notices.

It might be time to declare the CCL irrelevant and dead, but if they manage to pull themselves together and pursue some positive activism for a change, I'd be glad to send along a donation.

Just as soon as I get that stimulus check.

Whoohoo! We're Gonna Be Rich!

Looking forward to your new rebate from George Bush's Amazing Economic Stimulus Package (patent pending)?

As of this writing, Congress just finished a frenetic orgy of amending and voting and finally passed the bill. They hope to have rebate checks in the mail in time for the recession, or for the next undefeated season by an NFL team, whichever comes second.

But before you run out to Circuit City and spray another thousand bucks onto your credit card balance, make sure you're not in one of the five categories of people who probably won't see any serious coin:

1. Seniors
2. Geezers
3. Those who remember Eisenhower
4. Those who should remember Eisenhower, but can't
5. Future generations of Americans.

The bill was designed to give a $600 to $1200 rebate to taxpayers who make less than $150,000 a year.

Bush left old people out of the original proposal. His explanation: “I don't know about you, but every senior citizen I've ever met is a billionaire.”

Other conservatives simply wanted to avoid packing the bill with “extraneous” rebate hand-outs to those who don't even pay taxes (any more).

That's right, you so-called “Greatest Generation.” You may have sacrificed loved ones, limbs, and sanity to set the rest of us up for prosperity... but what have you done for us lately?

Besides, let us not forget the true purpose of this bill is not to throw money at fringe populations so we can temporarily not feel so guilty for ignoring them. Nor is it to massage the electorate into warm and fuzzy feelings about incumbents mere months before a major election.

No, the true purpose of this bill is to stimulate the economy.

We all know our elders cannot be trusted to do this. They would irresponsibly put the money in savings, either for retirement living expenses or for a grandchild's college fund.

Those few who would want to spend it probably don't have time, and would end up taking their newfound riches to the grave.

It is critical that we put this money into the hands of the young as soon as possible so they can blow it immediately on electronics and energy drinks.

Congress spun its wheels for a while. Senate leaders initially wanted to add money for the wrinkly and the disabled vets, but they couldn't get enough votes. Meanwhile, others wanted to raise the income cap, add heating assistance, extend unemployment benefits, or give the rebate exclusively to members of Congress.

Eventually, they rammed through a version that was pretty much what the President wanted, only with a token 300 bucks tacked on for each of our geriatric friends and mutilated soldiers.

I'm sure they will appreciate that money. It will go a long way toward paying for one of those little plastic bottles that contain prescriptions.

I guess they're lucky to get anything, since a consistent pack of conservatives believes the rebate is a rotten idea to begin with.

"It amounts to flying a plane full of cash over the country,” said Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH), as quoted to the AFP news agency. “It will force us to charge at least 200 billion dollars to the federal credit card, and there is no guarantee it will actually work."

He thinks we should instead "stimulate he economy through job creation and economic investment."

How naïve. Obviously this would not accomplish anything.

Not in time for the election, at least.