How to Save Money on Groceries

People in my life keep complaining that food is getting more and more expensive.

Granted, these are people with no actual information -- people who would no sooner research the pattern of beef and corn prices relative to inflation over the last 50 years than they would perform an unwarranted tonsillectomy on a gerbil -- are experts on how the average family suffers from an increasingly unreasonable grocery bill.

Yet as much as 50% of the food produced in this country goes to waste; we throw half of it away after it’s prepared, reports the New York Times.

When you add in the food we eat that we probably don’t need to eat (yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Second Helping), that figure is probably closer to 90%.

A Cornell University study found that 93% of us admit to buying food we never use.

Yeah, we’re suffering, all right.

I checked the government’s Consumer Price Index, and discovered this shocking fact: what you spend depends on what you’re eating. Beef and dairy products did get more expensive last month. On the other hand, fruits, vegetables, and egg salad sandwiches dipped with root beer spilled on them have gotten cheaper.

Overall, food prices in the United States have increased 1.4 percent in the past year - a much slower rate of increase than energy (5.9 percent) or medical care (3.6 percent). Costs for clothing have actually decreased 1.2 percent, which explains why Lady Gaga’s meat dress is actually a status-grab.

Our sustenance comes to us more cheaply than anywhere else in the world. The average American spends about 10 percent of his or her income on food, compared to upwards of 75 percent for impoverished residents of certain Third-World countries, according to the Financial Times.

In other words, while you’re ordering that cheese-steak with ice cream for dessert, and complaining about the bill, some 13-year-old in Sri Lanka is spearing a pigeon for his only meal of the week.

If that perspective does not ease your querulous lamenting, I do have a few tips for saving money on groceries:

1.  Whenever you go to the grocery store, buy 29 gallons of milk.

Milk is always the first thing we run out of. It is the barometer of our grocery-buying habits. As long as we have milk, we don’t need groceries yet. And when we run out of milk, we go to the store.

The problem is, every time we go to the store, we spend $135, regardless of when we were last there and what may or may not be in the pantry at home.

So don’t let yourself run out of milk until you’ve run out of a lot of other stuff first. Freeze it, if necessary, so you don’t have any reason to go shopping for food until you’re desperate enough to eat some of your smaller household insects.

2.  Start a garden. Rumor has it you can make food appear out of the dirt. (Weird, huh?)  Find out how.

3.  Eat at restaurants all the time. Watch your grocery expenses plummet!

4.  Hawk coupons online. Gone are the days when you buy two extra copies of the Sunday paper so you can clip enough coupons to save the amount you spent on extra copies of the Sunday paper. Now, coupon aggregators, retailers, and manufacturers make it easy for old ladies like you to feel technologically savvy.

5.  It would not surprise me of gerbil tonsils are considered a delicacy in certain parts of Sri Lanka.

Apathy: It's What's For Dinner

Have I got a treat for you!

This column was printed with an experimental new technology: space-age ink that scans your brain and transforms itself into sentences and paragraphs that reflect your interests and beliefs!

Now you'll never have to wonder if there's anything good in the newspaper! Everything you read will be interesting, and you won't have to waste any time thinking about things you don't want to think about.

I'll start with something unpleasant and inconsequential. Watch how fast this column adjusts for your reading pleasure:

Diseased cattle frequently make their way into our food supply, according to recent press reports following the recall of 143 million pounds of beef.

Bah. Americans eat beef all the time, and no one is dying. Take Roger Clemens, for example. Roger Clemens eats beef four meals a day. Roger Clemens took steroids, so we should all spend several hours a day pressuring Congress to think mean things about him.

Roger Clemens is a cheating little twerp.

The beef recall came after the Humane Society of America released undercover footage of apparently routine cattle mistreatment -- cows laying in manure, too sick to move, were electrocuted, kicked, and dragged to slaughter.

This is against USDA regulations, because the workers did not first drill holes in the animals' skulls to let out evil spirits.

Speaking of evil spirits... George Clooney is now single and looking for a middle-aged housewife.

Sick cattle laying in beds of feces are more likely to carry E-Coli or mad cow disease, increasing the risk that the next burger you eat could cause your flesh to start peeling away from your skeleton.

Sex. You're interested in sex, right? Would you like to improve your sex life? Confidence is the key! You are already very desirable and talented in the bedroom. You are THE Man and/or Woman.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

USDA personnel told the Associated Press they don't have enough inspectors to properly ensure the safety of the food supply – further evidence that we Americans don't put our resources where they really matter.

Jacoby Ellsbury will take over as the Red Sox center fielder/pretty boy this year, but not until they trade Coco Crisp for a draft pick... or perhaps a used Etch-a-Sketch.

Curt Schilling should have surgery on his shoulder and on whatever part of the brain houses his ego. The guy has absolutely no perspective.

Do you buy organic or “all natural” food products that don't have artificial hormones or cancer-causing chemicals in them? Of course not. You're no dummy. You figure the cheaper stuff must be safe, or else the grocery store wouldn't be allowed to sell it... right?

Sex! Even More Sex!

While we drive SUVs and dress our overweight or hyperactive kids in expensive sneakers and name-brand clothes, and keep them occupied with high-definition TVs and the latest video games, we pat ourselves on the back for saving $15 on our grocery bill by getting cheap processed snacks and chemically engineered, sodium-drenched convenience meals.

If there was more demand for natural or organic products, maybe the food industry would --

(Oops! Darned technology! Obviously, my invention isn't working quite right. Too much of the original column seeping in. Just needs a quick adjustment.... there. Let's try again.)

As I was saying: the beef recall is nothing to worry about. Probably just an aberration, certainly not a reflection on the mainstream food supply.

We can trust the corporations and the government to protect our food. Let the USDA struggle to fill job openings while we spend billions in Iraq to keep America safe.

You deserve that tax rebate. Go buy yourself something pretty.