Boston on $10 a Minute

There are plenty of good reasons to plan a weekend getaway to Boston. Maybe you want to check to see if you act nervous around people who aren’t white.

Or perhaps you’re a history buff, and you get your jollies from walking past a monument that says:

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, ON THIS VERY SPOT, REGURGITATED A BAKED COD DINNER, OCTOBER 9, 1768.

Whatever the cause for your trip, the first step is to find a hotel. Generally, visitors to Boston have two lodging options:

1) A moderately-priced hotel with basic amenities like continental breakfast, fitness center, and free Internet, or

2) a hotel that is actually located somewhere in Massachusetts.

We managed a compromise – The Midtown Hotel, located right in the heart of Back Bay, near Fenway Park. The Midtown features, in its hotels.com profile, an impressive array of amenities like “private bathrooms,” “windows that open.”

But it was also the only option within our budget that did not also offer complimentary mugging.

Once you’ve booked your hotel, you actually have to drive to Boston. From our house, it’s about four hours, which gives us an excuse to stop and use one of those swanky new turnpike service areas, which offer a variety of healthy and energizing foods to lift the spirits of weary, sedentary travelers.

Just kidding. They have fast food and greasy pizza.

But the restrooms feature “Waterless Urinals,” a revolutionary technology that boldly suggests that you don’t necessarily need two gallons of water to get rid of ½ cup of urine.

Once you arrive in Boston, start randomly swerving and cutting off other drivers until you get to your hotel. Leave your car there and take The T, the local subway system, to all your various destinations.

For the privilege of one ride, you have to pay $1.75. You can get a “Charlie Card” from a helpful touch-screen kiosk. This allows you quick, electronic access to the turnstiles until you are broke.

Interesting note: The name “Charlie Card” comes from a 1948 folk song about a man who gets stuck on The T forever because of the ridiculous fare structure.

Despite the irony, you can’t go wrong with a name like “Charlie.” How many unlikeable people named “Charlie” have you heard of? Aside from the entire North Vietnamese army, I mean.

Anyway, once you’re underground riding the train, observe the rules of urban public transportation, which, coincidentally, are exactly the same as the rules for Interstate Public Restroom Urinal Use: Don’t make eye contact, don’t speak, don’t be seen studying the map, and don’t freak out just because some sketchy dude with a serpent tattoo on his face is standing right next to you, talking to himself about how much longer it will take before he can get off.

To pass the time on The T, think of places where you would like to emerge above ground. I personally recommend the Museum of Science, where you can pay exorbitant admission to watch your kids play on the escalator for two hours.

You gotta love Quincy Market, where people with a lot of spare time watch talented street performers, and several actually give them money.

Sort of like Portland, only they’re not prostitutes.

Once inside, you can accidentally spend the $20 bill you were saving for that hour of parking and get a turnpike service plaza meal served in a Styrofoam box.

On second thought, you should probably just stay home.

The Divorce Calculator

Did you know there is a formula that determines how likely you are to get divorced?

Just visit the “Divorce Calculator” at divorce360.com, and answer five simple questions, including:

How old were you when you got married?

What is your highest level of education?

How often have you told your wife she could have her own gravitational field?

Okay, I made that last one up. It turns out that being a complete jerk is not a factor in determining if you are likely to get divorced. It only matters when you got married.

What a relief, I must say!

I found that only 5% of the people like me are already divorced. It was reassuring to know that my wife will probably continue to stay with me even if I bring home a prostitute who suffers from violent cocaine withdrawal symptoms.

Or – dare I even say it – if I don’t wash out my cereal bowl in the morning.

But then I read that 5% means I am at “average” risk of divorce.

Interestingly, only 4% of people like my wife are divorced, which suggests I might somehow get divorced without her.

Hmmm….

Anyway, as if the Divorce Calculator wasn’t helpful enough, the site also offers relationship advice, including “Tips for a Healthy Relationship.”

These “tips” include such valuable nuggets as “learn to communicate” and “seek out a therapist.”

I’m sure all of you out there suffering through a difficult marriage are slapping your foreheads, asking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

As valuable and comprehensive as divorce 360.com may be, I can save my fellow husbands out there some time and legal fees by dispensing my own can’t-miss marriage advice.

Experts say one of the largest sources of marital strife is money. Therefore, you need to make more money. Get started right away.

“That won’t work,” I can hear you saying, “because my wife will just find more ways to squander our increased income.”

Believe me, I know. How dare she waste hard-earned family resources on yet another pair of shoes when you’ve been saving up to get the NFL Network?

This is why you must start hiding money.

(Don’t put it in the same place where you’re hiding the birthday present for your mistress. If your wife finds them both at the same time, you can expect double the consequences.)

Children also help ruin marriages. First of all, never blame a child for taking up so much of your attention and energy that your wife has none left over to give to you. Instead, blame your wife for wanting to have children in the first place.

Then, channel the blame into action. If your wife is “tapped out,” do things to help restore her energy and enthusiasm. She will appreciate it, and you stand to gain, too.

Even little actions, like taking a moment to rub her shoulders while she cooks dinner, or complimenting her appearance as she bends to pick up a basket of laundry, can send a clear message that her happiness is your number one concern, and that you’ll be expecting sex later.

If all that fails, you may need to take drastic measures to appease the Divorce Calculator.

Get remarried when you’re older, or go back to school. Problem solved.