G.O.P. Astrology

I have avoided writing about the war in this column because I'm supposed to be writing humor and there's very little about what's going on in Iraq that is funny.

But we have to be amused at how so many politicians, especially Republicans, have backpedaled and waffled in their support of the President.

The most plausible explanation for this, of course, is that Venus is in retrograde.

Venus, you may remember, is the second planet from the sun. If there were an Interstate Highway stretching from here to the sun, Venus would be the next exit, although you would likely run out of gas before you even got to the Lunar Rest Area.

Venus, with its murky atmosphere full of thick, poisonous gases (sort of like Worcester, Massachusetts), orbits in such a way that it appears to move away from Earth for a few weeks every 18 months or so. Of course, it's actually not moving away from Earth, it's just turning around so it can modestly change into its bell-bottoms and leisure suit in preparation for a night out with Motor Booty Affair.

Astrologists call this “Venus Retrograde,” and they say it is responsible for people stepping back, taking stock of their lives, and re-connecting with their values.

Apparently, this causes a lot of problems in relationships, as old, unresolved issues resurface and couples tend to lose communication skills, as evidenced by this recent conversation I had with my wife:

Wife: Honey, I know you work hard and have a lot on your mind, but would you please put away your cereal bowl when you finish with it? We're starting to attract ants.

Me: I want a divorce.

So this retrograde is the most likely explanation for the falling out between congressional Republicans, who have done some soul-searching and decided they would really like the war to end so they can get re-elected, and Bush, who, despite his best intentions, comes off as an oblivious, ego-maniacal nincompoop.

The only noteworthy Republican who has not flip-flopped on Iraq is Sen. John McCain of Arizona, a Presidential candidate who, near as I can figure, says and does what he thinks is right, even if the American People do look fat in that dress.

As a result, polls indicate he has about as much chance of being elected President as Minnesota's transportation commissioner.

A former Prisoner Of War during Vietnam, McCain continues to support the Iraq War, probably on the grounds that the United States has already exhausted its quota for inexplicably invading foreign nations and leaving the chaos-stricken locals to rebuild the charred remains of their infrastructure all by themselves.

Or perhaps McCain believes we still have something meaningful to accomplish in Iraq.

Maybe our nation's greatest legacy will be to create a viable and peaceful democracy in a region soaked in blood and ethnic hatred for thousands of years, and, in so doing, secure the American Dream for generations to come, and, more importantly, enable us to lay claim to enough oil to finally build that Interstate Highway to the Sun.

ipod, iphone, ifreeze

August is here. (This is why you read this blog, to pick up such valuable tidbits of obscure information.)

As the last sands of the summer hourglass slide away, your kids will notice their furlough is nearly finished. They will make the most of their remaining freedom by attempting to set a new Guinness World Record for consecutive hours spent sleeping and watching TV.

Of course your child needs two months of dormancy after ten months of school. School is hard work; kids who don't wear themselves out keeping up their grades put just as much energy into figuring out their social life and maintaining a body temperature somewhere above 90 degrees.

Drive around between 7 and 8 AM on a weekday morning in January and you'll see what I mean: countless kids shivering, sucking their necks and hands into flimsy jackets or sweatshirts, hunched over like the elderly as they wait for the bus (ironically, many of these sweatshirts carry the popular brand label “South Pole”).

Warm clothing tells everyone you are a geek.

True story: My mother used to bundle me up for my bus wait: I wore massive coat, thick pullover hat, mittens, and galumphing heavy boots with wool socks. I did not object, because it was four degrees outside and I had a functioning brain.

When I climbed aboard the bus one day, an older boy, wearing a light wind breaker, his ears and fingers discolored from frostbite and his sneakers still encrusted with snow, looked at me like I had maggots in my hair, and asked, “doesn't your mother love you?”

That was 20 years ago. Nothing has changed. The school where I teach sometimes has heating problems. When I tell kids to bring their coats to class, they look perplexed, like National Geographic anthropologists trying to understand the language of a newly-discovered indigenous culture, and they say things like, “tell us more about this so-called 'coat' object.”

So the first thing you should do to prepare your child to go back to school is compile all his/her warm clothing and set fire to it.

Next, make sure your kids are equipped with a healthy variety of electronic gadgets to keep them connected to everything except their classes. The Blackberry, the ipod, and the cell phone are especially crucial.

Actual conversation:

Student: Can I call my boyfriend?

Me: I'm sorry, you're not allowed to use your cell phone during class.

Student: But I have to... uh... tell him when to pick me up from school!

Me: Wait until lunch.

Student: (after three-second pause) Umm... Can I use the bathroom?

Sending children to school without electronics impairs their ability to socialize. They may have to find something else to concentrate on, which for many of them will be an emotional hardship.

I can't emphasize enough: if you don't keep your kids “plugged in” and dress them in the right clothes (i.e. The same clothes all the other kids wear), you don't love them.

And you have to buy new clothes in August, because prior to that point they've been running around naked, and they can't very well go to school like that.

Although, don't be surprised if a kid tries it on some winter morning, just to prove that his mother loves him.