Thank You Captain Obvious, King of the Already Known

Every day I visit the website of the Bangor Daily News, where I am constantly treated to insightful, thoroughly-researched news reporting, introduced with heart-stopping headlines like this one:

“Leaf Peeper Alert: There's Color in Those Hills” (Oct. 4).

The lead paragraph sucked me even deeper into this fascinating story: “The Latest Report from Maine's Department of Conservation says the best fall colors are in the Western lakes and mountain region.”

This practical tip saved me a lot of time, because I had been expecting to find breathtaking foliage under the passenger seat of my car during its annual pre-winter cleaning. Thank you, Department of Conservation, for issuing this critically-important report at taxpayer expense!

The practice of covering obvious events has overtaken journalism, even in big-time national news organizations:

“Government Accountability Office Finds $146 Million in Excess Travel Costs” (Boston Globe/Associated Press, Oct. 3).

Okay, this headline actually represents an impressive piece of investigative reporting. The AP had to go through the painstaking process of reading a government-issued report about government waste.

(You know investigative journalism has climbed into the proverbial hand-basket when the government is now doing it for us.)

They went to all that effort to let us know that rich guys in suits like to travel First Class at taxpayer expense, even when they're not supposed to.

Duh. I had already assumed 15% of my tax bill was going to unauthorized senatorial foot massages and the like.

I wouldn't want my selfless public servants to slave away without obnoxiously lavish perks. What do they think I pay taxes for? So impoverished children can get medical care? Pffft.

Sure, I’ll admit, it is compelling to think that extra $146 million could have bought thousands of uninsured Americans a year's worth of health insurance, or, even more importantly, bought us... (let's see, where's my calculator)... approximately five more hours in Iraq.

But we can't forget that without those illegal perks, many politicians would not have the mental or physical strength to continue their arduous public service. And without those politicians, we wouldn't have an Iraq War, so...

What was my point?

Oh, yeah. Journalists are doing a bang-up job of keeping the public on alert about important issues. If you're still not convinced, here's another example:

“Oil Price Volatility is Here to Stay” (CNN Money/PR Newswire, Oct. 5).

Gee, I thought we were right on the doorstep of solving that problem. What a letdown.

This article makes it clear up front that unpredictable oil prices create problems “not only for the global economy but also for several industrial sectors that are heavily reliant on crude and refined [petroleum] products,” such as airlines and freight transport companies.

No ship, Sherlock.

Look, maybe this has something to do with corporate ownership slashing newsroom budgets, expecting to pay less and get more.

For example, it doesn't take very much to run a story about how it snowed nine inches today. Just mention how some cars slid into ditches and road crews have put in long hours, then show pictures of kids building snowmen or sliding on their day off from school, and voila! You've got the same story that appears in every newspaper or newscast in Maine roughly six times a year.

No wonder more and more people adopt hypnotic zombie stares anytime someone mentions the word “news” or “journalism.”

Do you suppose this has any effect on our participatory democracy?

Ah, never mind. Just look at the pretty leaves.

G.O.P. Astrology

I have avoided writing about the war in this column because I'm supposed to be writing humor and there's very little about what's going on in Iraq that is funny.

But we have to be amused at how so many politicians, especially Republicans, have backpedaled and waffled in their support of the President.

The most plausible explanation for this, of course, is that Venus is in retrograde.

Venus, you may remember, is the second planet from the sun. If there were an Interstate Highway stretching from here to the sun, Venus would be the next exit, although you would likely run out of gas before you even got to the Lunar Rest Area.

Venus, with its murky atmosphere full of thick, poisonous gases (sort of like Worcester, Massachusetts), orbits in such a way that it appears to move away from Earth for a few weeks every 18 months or so. Of course, it's actually not moving away from Earth, it's just turning around so it can modestly change into its bell-bottoms and leisure suit in preparation for a night out with Motor Booty Affair.

Astrologists call this “Venus Retrograde,” and they say it is responsible for people stepping back, taking stock of their lives, and re-connecting with their values.

Apparently, this causes a lot of problems in relationships, as old, unresolved issues resurface and couples tend to lose communication skills, as evidenced by this recent conversation I had with my wife:

Wife: Honey, I know you work hard and have a lot on your mind, but would you please put away your cereal bowl when you finish with it? We're starting to attract ants.

Me: I want a divorce.

So this retrograde is the most likely explanation for the falling out between congressional Republicans, who have done some soul-searching and decided they would really like the war to end so they can get re-elected, and Bush, who, despite his best intentions, comes off as an oblivious, ego-maniacal nincompoop.

The only noteworthy Republican who has not flip-flopped on Iraq is Sen. John McCain of Arizona, a Presidential candidate who, near as I can figure, says and does what he thinks is right, even if the American People do look fat in that dress.

As a result, polls indicate he has about as much chance of being elected President as Minnesota's transportation commissioner.

A former Prisoner Of War during Vietnam, McCain continues to support the Iraq War, probably on the grounds that the United States has already exhausted its quota for inexplicably invading foreign nations and leaving the chaos-stricken locals to rebuild the charred remains of their infrastructure all by themselves.

Or perhaps McCain believes we still have something meaningful to accomplish in Iraq.

Maybe our nation's greatest legacy will be to create a viable and peaceful democracy in a region soaked in blood and ethnic hatred for thousands of years, and, in so doing, secure the American Dream for generations to come, and, more importantly, enable us to lay claim to enough oil to finally build that Interstate Highway to the Sun.