Vaping in the Boys' Room

A lot has changed for us men in the last 20 years.

We've gone from an era when a man could be vilified for not helping out with childcare and housework to an era when a man can be vilified for not helping out with the childcare and housework without being asked to do so.

Not so long ago, a man trying to find his way around an unfamiliar neighborhood would have to use a map, or (yikes!) ask directions.

But nothing signifies the profound cultural shift in notions of masculinity more than the growing popularity of the electronic cigarette, which, try as I might, I just can't imagine between the lips of any rugged cowboy like the "Marlboro Man."

The e-cigarette is for all you smokers out there who would love to keep your addiction to nicotine without constantly smelling like an ashtray, having to figure out where your lighter is all the time, and basically just offending the general public with your very existence.

(Plus there's that whole emphysema thing.)

"Electronic cigarettes look like the real thing but don’t contain tobacco," explains Boston Globe reporter Norma Love much better than I can. "They use a metal tube with a battery to heat a liquid nicotine solution in a replaceable cartridge. Users inhale and exhale the resulting water vapor. The tip of the tube lights like a cigarette.

"The process is called “vaping’’ instead of smoking."

I know you're shaking your head. So am I. Seriously: "Norma Love" cannot possibly be this reporter's real name.

She probably used a pseudonym so the tobacco industry's mob goons would not track her down and have her injected with some kind of addictive poison.

They can't be happy with her article, which is clearly biased against inhaling anything besides air, and celebrates the efforts of the worry-wart nanny state freedom bludgeoners who are already trying to step in and limit the fun.

This "Love" character's article features the efforts of 16-year-old Mara Zrzavy of Peterborough, NH, who is campaigning to have her state legislature prohibit e-cigarattes from being sold to or used by minors. The "Live Free or Die Trying" House of Representatives already passed a bill.

The fear is that once kids are hooked on nicotine, they will be more likely to eventually switch to less expensive tobacco cigarettes.

Baloney. That may be true in New Hampshire, where they don't believe in taxes, but the research I did around here finds the 21st century version cheaper, if not comparable. That's before you factor in medical bills and teeth whitener.

Besides, it's a struggle to get a smoker onto a nicotine patch, even though it's cheaper than cigarettes. Clearly, money is not the main factor in the decision-making here.

Fact is, "vaping" is the next hot trend. Smoking is so 2002.

Besides, if these battery-powered addiction sticks were any real threat, our very own state government would be already sending troopers out to personally remove them from the mouths of any offending scum.

Instead, according to Love, these devices are popping up in shopping mall kiosks, invading the epicenter of suburban teenage life. They are on par with soda and cell phones: addictive, for sure, but otherwise harmless enough.

("Enough" being the operative word, of course.)

If there's a way to market these toy-ish cigarettes to children (say, by using some sort of cartoon character and playing off insecurities about masculinity), the tobacco industry has met its doom.

Got Stoopid?

Chances are your child's school will hemorrhage dollars faster than a slot machine addict with six arms, as state aid to education is expected to plummet over the next couple of years.

While some cling to the vague expectation that schools will become more efficient, you can't escape reality: keeping the average classroom temperature above 60 degrees costs money. 

So does employing teachers.

Teachers are in the business of making people less stupid. Therefore, amount of stupidity in a society is inversely proportional to the number of teachers per capita.

In other words, more teachers = less stupidity.

Are you following me? Or was your k-12 education underfunded?

As newspapers begin to deliver tales of school budget catastrophe, keep in mind some of the following examples of colossal stupidity that could have been averted if only there were more teachers.

1)  The Maine Dairy and Nutrition Council is airing ads encouraging parents to give their children chocolate milk, claiming that it's "healthy." Okay, we ought to make sure kids get enough protein and calcium. But aren't these essential nutrients available in something that doesn't contain 30 or 40 grams of sugar per serving? 

The main ingredient in chocolate milk is high fructose corn syrup (you know what that is because of your amazing high school health class). 

The good news: once your child has diabetes, you can sue the Maine Dairy and Nutrition Council for false advertising.

2)  The University of Maine has decided to go entirely smoke-free by 2012. On the surface, this looks like a great way to promote public health and get rid of some of those pesky tenured journalism and philosophy professors. But five seconds of deep thought reveal how lame this initiative really is.

First of all, the enforcement method for this policy -- an army of omniscient fairies carrying little fire extinguishers -- will not come cheaply. 

Secondly, alcohol abuse threatens public health on campus much more ominously, as nary a weekend goes by when someone isn't busted for OUI, raped in a drunken stupor, or hauled off in an ambulance with alcohol poisoning. Let's see the university get serious about underage alcohol possession first before they go inventing new draconian rules.

Of course, they'll never do that, because the students would freak out, protest, and transfer to someplace more tolerant. After all, drinking is an integral part of the college experience, particularly if you're stupid.

3.  Lots of people are calling Central Falls, Rhode Island school Supt. Frances Gallo a hero for standing up to the teachers' union. Give me a break.

She wanted high school teachers to spend more time with students by extending the school day and adding more lunch duties. Fine. 

The teachers said they wanted to be paid for this extra time on the job. Such an outlandish demand left Gallo no choice but to fire the entire faculty. 

Now she gets to hire a bunch of new teachers who are willing to work more hours for less money (read: rookies, plus maybe some people who didn't make it through the probationary period at their last job). Now watch those test scores soar!

That's right, Junior. You live in one of the poorest communities in the state, but your school rates low because your teachers all stink.

Now, finish your chocolate milk and Lucky Charms so you won't be late for the bus.