This May Not Be Very Funny in About Six Weeks

When it comes to swine flu, Americans have a variety of questions, starting with:

"Will we still have individualized funeral services or one collective mass burial scheduled each week, to save time?"

Ok, maybe I'm just speaking for myself on that one. It turns out most people aren't very worried at all, at least if you believe a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll indicating that almost 75% Americans think the government will handle this health threat just fine.

Gee, whiz! I guess the poll didn't happen to query many conservatives, judging from the fact that conservatives consider everything the government touches a colossal failure (apparently, they don't consider The Pentagon part of the government).

Maybe some of those 75% think the threat has been overblown, and the media is just complicit in some conspiracy to boost stock in Purell and in whatever pharmaceutical company produces a vaccine.

I guess we could reasonably expect the government to keep swine flu under control if swine flu doesn't actually exist.

Me, I'm betting on catastrophe. I'm certainly not looking forward to it, but I think we Americans get a little too big for our britches sometimes and need to be put in our place. The grisly demise of a few thousand people I don't know, with God-knows how many more suffering through repeated doses of Pepto-Bismol, all because of a speck so small we're not even sure it qualifies as a life form, should accomplish that quite nicely.

Of course, I'm only saying that so it won't happen. You know, the whole jinx thing.

If that doesn't make you feel more chillaxed about the situation, then I have even better news for you.

As part of an effort to make sure Americans are safe, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack has announced that we're wrong to keep calling the H1N1 virus the "swine flu." He says "swine flu" has been around a long time, but the virus we're supposedly worried about is new and does not infect pigs, come from pigs, or even enjoy the company of pigs. This virus even gave the movie "Babe" a bad review on its blog.

Ah, I see. Maybe if we stop confusing it with a different virus, H1N1 will stop taking offense and threatening to suddenly and violently evacuate all our digestive systems?

"By continuing to mislabel the 2009 pandemic H1N1 influenza virus, the media is causing undue and undeserved harm to America's agriculture industry, especially to pork producers," stated Vilsack, in what was undoubtedly one of the most riveting press releases ever written.

With all undue respect, the American agriculture industry deserves all the harm we can heave at it. Just rent "Food, Inc." or look up some slaughterhouse footage on youtube, then tell me if you think Tom Vilsack's urgent efforts to protect the health and safety of pork industry profits represent proper alignment of priorities.

Maybe we should rename the position "Secretary of Agri-business."

Anywho, assuming you do get sick, at least you can rely our the best-in-the-world health care system to take care of you. I haven't checked lately, but that's what most of our political leaders were calling it about a year ago; I can't imagine anything has changed much since then.

I am a Big Fat Dunce

I should apologize to you non-baseball fans, who might find this column a little boring or confusing.

But first, I need to apologize for a foolish, insensitive error in last week's column.

I poked fun at Fox News and Washington Post Writers Group commentator Charles Krauthammer for, among other things, being stiff on camera, looking as though he had hurt his back. Then a reader pointed out to me that Krauthammer did, in fact, suffer a paralyzing back injury when he was in medical school. I was not aware of this celebrity tidbit, mainly because it was not mentioned in his biography on the Washington Post website, and I didn't bother to do any other research on him.

Obviously, my comment was grotesquely inappropriate and I feel like a big fat dunce.

Worse yet, this type of thing strains my marriage. My wife contends that you should never make fun of anyone for anything that isn't their own fault. If a person looks stiff and awkward on camera, it could mean he's a paraplegic, or it could mean he's nervous, but what gives me the right to slam him, either way? Compassion should be my impulse, not ridicule.

And here I was, ready to write my annual summer column slamming the Boston Red Sox for falling behind in the standings and generally not playing up to their potential.

Instead, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. I can't fathom how hard it must be, day after day, to be a bunch of drooling, loafing, pampered, overpaid, prima-donna, slack-jawed-hick pseudo-athletes who use more needles more than the Pine Tree Quilters' Guild, and are suddenly playing like the Keystone Cops now that steroid testing has gotten serious.

As I write this, five Red Sox starters are hitting below .250. The pressure of having to justify those giant salaries must be getting to them.

They just traded for Victor Martinez, who is an excellent player, but plays positions (catcher, first base, DH, hot dog vendor) already occupied by excellent players.

"Big Papi" has spent most of this season flailing around in the batter's box like sugar-hyped, blindfolded six-year-old trying to bust open a pinata, but you have to give him the chance to get back to his old, 'roided up self again.

Varitek, the captain, is suddenly a back-up. That should work out well. It's not like these guys have egoes.

Lowell just had hip surgery and now walks like a pregnant woman with plantar fasciitis, but he's still hitting .295, just had a 5-RBI game, and wears one of the top five goatees in the Major Leagues.

Oops, sorry, there I go again. My apologies to Mike Lowell, in case he really is pregnant or has plantar fasciitis. I should check his player profile... nope, no mention of either. Whew!

Anywho, they should have traded for Roy Halladay. Obviously, they would have had to give up more to get the best pitcher in baseball, but consider this equation: Beckett + Lester + Halladay = Yankees fans weeping in the streets, Hal Steinbrenner coughing up pieces of his internal organs in a fit of anguish and disgust, automatic World Championships for Boston this year and next.

Isn't losing inconsistent Clay Buchholz and a couple more hyped-but-unproven prospects worth all that? Even if the Jays own the league five years from now, who cares? We could all be dead from swine flu by then.

If you have swine flu, please, please, please forgive me.