Accountability: Making Us Stupider Since 2001

It’s “back to school time,” and we also have a major election approaching. Seems like a great time to take my car out on the Interstate and make sure its air bags are working properly.

Ha! Just kidding. I actually meant to say that it’s a great time to evaluate the political candidates’ views on education, if they have any.

Candidates haven’t said much about education, which is weird, because the Bush Administration has spent the last eight years pelting public schools with spitballs.

Take the No Child Left Behind Act, which requires teachers to be “highly qualified” in a specialty field.

Unfortunately, “education” does not qualify as a “specialty field.”

So in order to be designated as “highly qualified” to teach high school English, I needed extra coursework or a bachelor’s degree in English (no worries – I found one in the dumpster behind Pat’s Pizza).

The only problem: an English degree teaches one a lot about which objective case pronoun one should use in one’s hypothetical sentences, but it does nothing to help one figure out how to teach kids to read.

Far too many kids walk into high school classrooms barely able to read. I need to help them with the basics before they can tackle Shakespeare.

But the President would rather make sure I can write a 20-page term paper on Moby Dick at 3 a.m. on the day it’s due without spilling black coffee on my keyboard.

This is just one example of how politicians make educational decisions that look fabulous in the headlines, but in the actual classroom make about as much sense as shoveling snow with a copy of Sports Illustrated.

Another example is the amount of testing (known as “accountability”) required by NCLB. Nowadays, teachers have to demonstrate accountability every six or seven minutes, which tends to squelch creativity and innovation in the classroom.

If students are learning half as much as they used to, at least we’re accounting for that half.

So what do the leading candidates have to say?

Let’s begin with Maine’s U.S. Senate. The Collins campaign lists a bunch of accomplishments for education on its web site, including establishing a special fund for rural schools to meet NCLB requirements, and a $250 tax write-off for teachers who buy their own classroom supplies (muchas gracias).

She also got an “A” ranking from the National Education Association.

What a nerd!

Meanwhile, Tom Allen’s website lists a grand total of 1 (one) accomplishment for education, which was to “vote for” an increase in college student aid funding. The NEA also gave him an “A.”

Allen is obviously the better candidate. He is so smart that he can slack off and still pull out a good grade.

On the Presidential front, McCain says schools “must have the resources and management authority” to provide a decent education. Judging from his support of NCLB and voucher programs, his idea of providing “resources and management authority” is to yank money away from poor school districts and threaten to fire principals.

Obama would rather “support schools that need improvement, rather than punish them.” He does not say how he would accomplish this, but outlined 15 ages worth of ideas for early childhood education, recruiting teachers, and other boring stuff that could, you know, do something about all those illiterate high school students.

Incidentally, Obama also got an “A” from the NEA.

McCain got an “F.” Maybe if they’d given him a few more doses of “accountability,” he would have done better.

Whoohoo! We're Gonna Be Rich!

Looking forward to your new rebate from George Bush's Amazing Economic Stimulus Package (patent pending)?

As of this writing, Congress just finished a frenetic orgy of amending and voting and finally passed the bill. They hope to have rebate checks in the mail in time for the recession, or for the next undefeated season by an NFL team, whichever comes second.

But before you run out to Circuit City and spray another thousand bucks onto your credit card balance, make sure you're not in one of the five categories of people who probably won't see any serious coin:

1. Seniors
2. Geezers
3. Those who remember Eisenhower
4. Those who should remember Eisenhower, but can't
5. Future generations of Americans.

The bill was designed to give a $600 to $1200 rebate to taxpayers who make less than $150,000 a year.

Bush left old people out of the original proposal. His explanation: “I don't know about you, but every senior citizen I've ever met is a billionaire.”

Other conservatives simply wanted to avoid packing the bill with “extraneous” rebate hand-outs to those who don't even pay taxes (any more).

That's right, you so-called “Greatest Generation.” You may have sacrificed loved ones, limbs, and sanity to set the rest of us up for prosperity... but what have you done for us lately?

Besides, let us not forget the true purpose of this bill is not to throw money at fringe populations so we can temporarily not feel so guilty for ignoring them. Nor is it to massage the electorate into warm and fuzzy feelings about incumbents mere months before a major election.

No, the true purpose of this bill is to stimulate the economy.

We all know our elders cannot be trusted to do this. They would irresponsibly put the money in savings, either for retirement living expenses or for a grandchild's college fund.

Those few who would want to spend it probably don't have time, and would end up taking their newfound riches to the grave.

It is critical that we put this money into the hands of the young as soon as possible so they can blow it immediately on electronics and energy drinks.

Congress spun its wheels for a while. Senate leaders initially wanted to add money for the wrinkly and the disabled vets, but they couldn't get enough votes. Meanwhile, others wanted to raise the income cap, add heating assistance, extend unemployment benefits, or give the rebate exclusively to members of Congress.

Eventually, they rammed through a version that was pretty much what the President wanted, only with a token 300 bucks tacked on for each of our geriatric friends and mutilated soldiers.

I'm sure they will appreciate that money. It will go a long way toward paying for one of those little plastic bottles that contain prescriptions.

I guess they're lucky to get anything, since a consistent pack of conservatives believes the rebate is a rotten idea to begin with.

"It amounts to flying a plane full of cash over the country,” said Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH), as quoted to the AFP news agency. “It will force us to charge at least 200 billion dollars to the federal credit card, and there is no guarantee it will actually work."

He thinks we should instead "stimulate he economy through job creation and economic investment."

How naïve. Obviously this would not accomplish anything.

Not in time for the election, at least.

The Mother of All Holidays

Fatherhood brings many responsibilities, not the least of which is to remember, and properly observe, Mother’s Day. So get out your calendars, gentlemen, and make a note that Mother’s Day falls… uh… on a weekend. I think.

Okay, so I’m not that good with dates, unless they are the dates when the Yankees are scheduled to visit Fenway Park. But I’m trying to improve, because now that I’ve watched my wife become the superhuman force of nature that is Mommy, I take this holiday much more seriously.

We should celebrate Mother’s Day at least a couple of times a week. And we should celebrate it hardcore, like college students celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Let’s build statues of pregnant women all over the place, at least one in every town.

Should these statues portray the stereotypical image of pregnancy, the fit and healthy Amazon lady who graces the cover of most motherhood magazines with a serene smile? Or should they be more realistic, the grim woman whose back, bladder, hormones, and hemorrhoids are in all-out violent revolt with a whole trimester left to go?

My wife survived months of severe nausea with grace and dignity (allowing the dogs to clean up your vomit can be “dignified” if you’ve already thrown up 20 times that day). In contrast, one day of stomach flu turns me into a whimpering baboon.

Completely exhausted and depleted, she went on to give birth and then endure several months with no sleep, as the baby required constant dancing in her baby carrier to sleep and didn’t want anything to do with her father until she turned six months old.

Something about this intense process transforms normal women into omniscient beings.

My mother once convinced me she had eyes in the back of her head, and I’ve yet to observe any hard evidence to contradict her claim.

Furthermore, mothers can provide scads of obscure information. My wife knew the exact right time (age eleven months and 24 days) to turn around the car safety seat so that it faces forward instead of backward.

Don't ask me how she knew, she just knew.

When I tried to turn it around a week early, because I happened to have a few spare moments (I like to use spare moments to find ways to lower my self-esteem), she gave me a tongue-lashing that would have shamed Genghis Kahn.

Another example: when I try to change my daughter's diaper, she squirms and twists and kicks around as if she was the offspring of a circus contortionist and an Olympic synchronized swimmer. But my wife can come in and calm her right down, accomplishing the diaper change in under 30 seconds.

Wow.

Plus, mothers have all the dirt on us. I don't care who you are, if you're reading this, you were at one time (hopefully not the present time) that squirming diaper change-ee. Barbara Bush could leak rare and humiliating information about our President if she wanted to; she’d just have to call up his nanny to find out about his childhood.

Knowing that my mother made huge sacrifices for me, remembers every minute detail of my childhood, and could embarrass me on a whim, I should probably at least give her a call and wish her a happy Mother’s Day.

But first I have to call her and find out when Mother’s Day is.

Nauseating News

Stomach flu. As soon as I finish writing this, I can go back to bed. Please forgive the choppy sentences. No energy for long ones.

Don Imus. What a jerk. Needs psychotherapy. Hate his guts.

It's too bad he's gone. We need him.

He represents attitudes in our society that we'd like to pretend are not there. We must confront the ugliness (both literally and figuratively, in this case).

Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon, writing about Imus being fired, said it best: “I'd rather see him have to confront anger, scorn and ridicule every single day... I'd rather the criticism come at Imus from every angle, indefinitely, rather than have him slink away to private life.”

If the enemy hides, we become complacent, we forget he's there, and we can't defeat him. (See also: Osama bin Laden.)

In 2004, Imus referred to some publishers as “thieving Jews.” Then he apologized for using a term that was “redundant.” Referring to black journalist Gwen Ifill, he said, “Isn't the New York Times wonderful... they let the cleaning lady cover the White House.”

Ha ha. Excuse me for a moment while I go puke.

Okay, I'm back. As I was saying, Imus tries to be funny. He's not. Humor derives from truth. The audience needs to see some element of reality in order for the joke to have its impact.

For example, it would be easy for me to make fun of the Bush White House for illegally deleting a bunch of emails so that they became unavailable for congressional subpoena or historical record.

When faced with potential scandal, public servants must choose whether they want to appear incompetent or appear untrustworthy. Most of the time, they choose incompetence. The public is more likely to forgive a silly mistake (Clinton) than an act of premeditated evil (Nixon).

In this case, incompetence is the clear choice. Can you imagine Bush using email? He would probably send a lot of cheesy forwarded chain messages and write in all capital letters.

So Bush spokesman Scott Stanzel this week admitted the White House had not been clear enough with its employees (like Karl Rove) about the email policy. The policy states, in essence, “Don't delete email, you morons.”

Either the White House staffers are such simple-minded Luddites that a clearly-worded email policy strikes them as complete gibberish, or certain people decided to delete certain messages intentionally. While you decide for yourself which is the case, I'm going to run back to the toilet for a moment.

Ugh, that was no fun. Anyway, did you see how the joke about Bush using email connects to reality? Bush has adopted the persona of an unsophisticated country boy who may not be a computer whiz, goshdarn it, but he sure knows how to administer some down-home, Texas-style, cowboy hat justice, even if he is just a disguised Yale trust-fund baby who couldn't find a real terrorist unless he was hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey.

Whew. Even though it was a cheap shot, that one took a lot out of me. Time to go lie down for a while. Wake me up when the news gets less nauseating.