Saturday, May 31, 2008

A Little Knowledge...

A Little Knowledge...
Using the smallest number of verifiable facts I could find, I have constructed irrefutable proof that our government is in cahoots with the terrorists.

Follow me closely here.

It all starts with that terrorist, Rachael Ray.

The daytime cooking show host made some ads for Dunkin' Donuts, apparently in an attempt to ruin her image. In one ad, she wore a black and white scarf that sort of resembled a keffiyeh, which is a traditional head piece warn by Arab men.

After an uproar from right-wing bloggers and pundits, Dunkin' Donuts pulled the ad off the air.

I took two logic courses in college. I even passed one of them. My expert position is that this ad should never have been made in the first place because Rachael Ray is a terrorist.

I hope my proof is not too advanced for you:

Rachael Ray = Scarf Wearer
All people who wear scarves = Terrorists
All Arabs = Terrorists
THEREFORE, Rachael Ray = Terrorist

(And we all know terrorists don't sell donuts.)

Now that I've established that, let's look at the new federal regulations that ban all analog TV broadcasting.

In case you didn't know, it would seem Time-Warner hired a bunch of lobbyists to force people into buying cable. Starting next February, you won't be able to use your old fashioned antenna to receive programming. Your analog TV will be worthless, unless you get some insidious-looking converter box that secretly emits God-knows-what-kind of brain-altering gamma rays.

With rabbit ears no longer an option, many people will simply say, “might as well get cable.” This is what the government wants.

Why is this a problem? You see,

If Government = Cable, and
Rachael Ray is on Cable
Then: Government = Rachael Ray;
THEREFORE: Government = Terrorists.

How can we protect ourselves against the evil and corrupt officials who have absconded with our first amendment rights without forming a backwoods militia with more artillery than a Marine Corps infantry unit?

Get rid of your TV altogether.

It's not as hard a it seems! My household has been without one for more than two years. You'd be amazed at how quickly you get used to finding other forms of entertainment.

Our family evenings are filled with laughter and games, reading and story-telling, listening to the radio, and uncontrollable sobbing over not being able to see the Red Sox or Celtics in the play-offs.

Sure, it has been hard sometimes. But it's worth it, because we have a three-year-old in the house, and for some reason there are a lot of TV networks who like to show their violent COPS or CSI promos during seemingly innocuous programming, like “American Idol.”

(Actually, I suppose there's nothing innocuous about “American Idol,” but that only enhances my point.)

McKay = Amish

No, no! Getting rid of my TV does not make me a Mennonite!

In fact, much video entertainment can be found on the Internet, which gives us way more control over what we see and will therefore make broadcast television obsolete, possibly even before this column appears in print.

See? I use computers, so I'm not necessarily a....

Aw, who am I kidding.

McKay = Amish

Amish don't use computers
Therefore: This column = done.

1 comment:

Space said...

Rachael Ray = Scarf Wearer
All people who wear scarves = Terrorists
All Arabs = Terrorists
THEREFORE, Rachael Ray = Terrorist

You should have said Rachael Ray is an Arab, otherwise the third statement is redundant.

Anyway, this stereotype projecting All Arabs to be terrorists is a wrong perception which I hope would not be used.