G.O.P. Astrology

I have avoided writing about the war in this column because I'm supposed to be writing humor and there's very little about what's going on in Iraq that is funny.

But we have to be amused at how so many politicians, especially Republicans, have backpedaled and waffled in their support of the President.

The most plausible explanation for this, of course, is that Venus is in retrograde.

Venus, you may remember, is the second planet from the sun. If there were an Interstate Highway stretching from here to the sun, Venus would be the next exit, although you would likely run out of gas before you even got to the Lunar Rest Area.

Venus, with its murky atmosphere full of thick, poisonous gases (sort of like Worcester, Massachusetts), orbits in such a way that it appears to move away from Earth for a few weeks every 18 months or so. Of course, it's actually not moving away from Earth, it's just turning around so it can modestly change into its bell-bottoms and leisure suit in preparation for a night out with Motor Booty Affair.

Astrologists call this “Venus Retrograde,” and they say it is responsible for people stepping back, taking stock of their lives, and re-connecting with their values.

Apparently, this causes a lot of problems in relationships, as old, unresolved issues resurface and couples tend to lose communication skills, as evidenced by this recent conversation I had with my wife:

Wife: Honey, I know you work hard and have a lot on your mind, but would you please put away your cereal bowl when you finish with it? We're starting to attract ants.

Me: I want a divorce.

So this retrograde is the most likely explanation for the falling out between congressional Republicans, who have done some soul-searching and decided they would really like the war to end so they can get re-elected, and Bush, who, despite his best intentions, comes off as an oblivious, ego-maniacal nincompoop.

The only noteworthy Republican who has not flip-flopped on Iraq is Sen. John McCain of Arizona, a Presidential candidate who, near as I can figure, says and does what he thinks is right, even if the American People do look fat in that dress.

As a result, polls indicate he has about as much chance of being elected President as Minnesota's transportation commissioner.

A former Prisoner Of War during Vietnam, McCain continues to support the Iraq War, probably on the grounds that the United States has already exhausted its quota for inexplicably invading foreign nations and leaving the chaos-stricken locals to rebuild the charred remains of their infrastructure all by themselves.

Or perhaps McCain believes we still have something meaningful to accomplish in Iraq.

Maybe our nation's greatest legacy will be to create a viable and peaceful democracy in a region soaked in blood and ethnic hatred for thousands of years, and, in so doing, secure the American Dream for generations to come, and, more importantly, enable us to lay claim to enough oil to finally build that Interstate Highway to the Sun.