Lifestyles of the Sick and Pudgy

The United States is no longer the most totally awesome nation in the world, according to the World Economic Forum’s new Global Competitiveness index.

In fact, we’ve fallen to 4th on the list, which is designed to quantify long-term economic viability, fiscal health, and overall coolness.

It tends to reflect each country’s overall quality of life by measuring strength of infrastructure (our pristine roadways), commitment to innovation (new iPhone apps that mimic lava lamps), and public confidence in government institutions (let’s not go there).

Just two years ago, we were sitting pretty at Number One. Everyone wanted to be us.

What the hell happened?

I’ll tell you what happened. They stacked this whole ranking system against us.

According to WEF analysts, we declined because of increased debt. In case you weren’t paying attention, our government just went and borrowed an asinine amount of money to sidestep a “depression” in favor of an “economic downturn” (a less alarming euphemism for “recession that should end any year now”).

This was on top of the previously asinine amount of money borrowed to fund a pair of wars, along with untold billions of debt accrued to pay for rebuilding doorways for our giant fat arses to fit through.

According to Forbes Magazine, the U.S.A. is the 9th most overweight nation on Earth, with about 74% of us sporting a Body Mass Index more than 25. A BMI of 30 qualifies as “obese.”

The eight nations heavier than us on the fat scale are all tiny Pacific Islands you’ve never heard of, where people survive on leftover SPAM shipped from Australia, and they can’t go jogging because it only takes 45 steps to cross the entire country.

As the fluffiest industrialized nation in the world, we find ourselves at a severe handicap when it comes to competitiveness. Switzerland, which claimed the Number One ranking in global competitiveness, checks in at a svelte 50% of its population overweight, good for 63rd fattest in the world.

In Singapore (3rd most competitive), anyone using a public restroom has their excess body fat trimmed off with invisible lasers.

Aside from discriminating against fatsos, the competitiveness index also favors smaller countries. Most in the top ten have around 5 million people or less; at 310 million, we are easily the biggest country in that range, with more than twice as many people as Japan (8th).

No other large countries even come close. China and its 1.3 billion people ranked 27th, not too far from Iceland, which just saw its entire banking system collapse like a poodle carrying a lawnmower, only faster.

But what is the most glaring flaw in the WEF measurements? They completely ignore the fact that all these other so-called “prosperous” countries are on the way to bankrupting themselves by offering universal healthcare.

The United States is the only nation in the top 30 on this index that does not offer government-paid medical services for all citizens.

Come on. Did these “world-renowned economists” get their diplomas out of a Happy Meal or something? Don’t they see how the U.S.A. is positioning itself for continued world domination by basing a massive chunk of its economy (17.5%) on exploiting the sick and pudgy?

I say we ignore the World Economic Forum and its twisted anti-American agenda. Carry on as normal. If things get really bad, we can always invade Switzerland.

Garbanzo Economics

I’ll bet you know next to nothing about chickpeas. We’re going to correct that situation right now.

(Trust me – it’s important).

Also known as Garbanzo Beans, chickpeas, eaten by the handful, taste like wax paper.

But if you mush them up and mix in some spices, you have hummus, which compares favorably to other condiment options for your BLT.

The Garbanzo “provides a good source of protein,” even though it is “low in calories and virtually fat-free,” according to some Portugese chickpea web site I found.

It “can be enjoyed all year round,” and is a staple in ultra-healthy ethnic foods, such as that crazy Indian meal I had four helpings of at the American Folk Festival.

They also go great on salads.

So do what I did: go out and buy a few hundred cans of chickpeas to keep on hand for survival after our economy plummets to third-world levels.

And it will. Don’t believe these “experts” who insist the economy will “bounce back.” They’re required to say that. If you could follow them home, you’d find them weeping in despair, swallowing mayonnaise by the cupful.

You don’t have to take my word for it. Just take note of historical precedent:

Panic of 1893: Lack of regulation during a Republican administration enabled sketchy lending practices. Railroads grew faster than a high school shortstop on steroids, but they over-extend themselves and couldn’t pay off debt. Banks failed, and the bubble burst. People were forced to stand in long lines for scraps of stale bread.

The Great Depression: During Republican presidencies in the “Roaring Twenties,” America had a giant raging party, and the economy went through the roof. This encouraged an orgy of investing, but businesses couldn’t pay off debt when market conditions changed. Banks failed, the bubble bursts, and people had to stand in long lines to qualify for roles in John Steinbeck novels.

Recession of the Early 1990s: Ten years of “trickle-down economics” under (surprise!) Republican administrations helped the economy grow faster than OJ Simpson’s legal bills. But Lack of regulation led to a Savings and Loans scandal as people could not afford to pay their debts. The bubble burst, and people were forced to stand in long lines to vote for a known lecher.

(Are you noticing any patterns yet?)

The Great Catastrophic Collapse of 2008 (as it will come to be known):Under-regulated during eight years of Republican rule, banks give mortgages to anybody with a pulse (I was able to buy a house by applying in the name of my dog, Jethro, listing his occupation as “Tester of Furniture Puncture Resiliency”). When the housing bubble burst, home-owners couldn’t pay their debts, and banks collapsed. People will be forced to stand in long lines for a turn picking through the dump for scraps of half-rotted fruit rinds….

UNLESS they heed my advice, and stock up on chickpeas right now.