Lifestyles of the Sick and Pudgy

The United States is no longer the most totally awesome nation in the world, according to the World Economic Forum’s new Global Competitiveness index.

In fact, we’ve fallen to 4th on the list, which is designed to quantify long-term economic viability, fiscal health, and overall coolness.

It tends to reflect each country’s overall quality of life by measuring strength of infrastructure (our pristine roadways), commitment to innovation (new iPhone apps that mimic lava lamps), and public confidence in government institutions (let’s not go there).

Just two years ago, we were sitting pretty at Number One. Everyone wanted to be us.

What the hell happened?

I’ll tell you what happened. They stacked this whole ranking system against us.

According to WEF analysts, we declined because of increased debt. In case you weren’t paying attention, our government just went and borrowed an asinine amount of money to sidestep a “depression” in favor of an “economic downturn” (a less alarming euphemism for “recession that should end any year now”).

This was on top of the previously asinine amount of money borrowed to fund a pair of wars, along with untold billions of debt accrued to pay for rebuilding doorways for our giant fat arses to fit through.

According to Forbes Magazine, the U.S.A. is the 9th most overweight nation on Earth, with about 74% of us sporting a Body Mass Index more than 25. A BMI of 30 qualifies as “obese.”

The eight nations heavier than us on the fat scale are all tiny Pacific Islands you’ve never heard of, where people survive on leftover SPAM shipped from Australia, and they can’t go jogging because it only takes 45 steps to cross the entire country.

As the fluffiest industrialized nation in the world, we find ourselves at a severe handicap when it comes to competitiveness. Switzerland, which claimed the Number One ranking in global competitiveness, checks in at a svelte 50% of its population overweight, good for 63rd fattest in the world.

In Singapore (3rd most competitive), anyone using a public restroom has their excess body fat trimmed off with invisible lasers.

Aside from discriminating against fatsos, the competitiveness index also favors smaller countries. Most in the top ten have around 5 million people or less; at 310 million, we are easily the biggest country in that range, with more than twice as many people as Japan (8th).

No other large countries even come close. China and its 1.3 billion people ranked 27th, not too far from Iceland, which just saw its entire banking system collapse like a poodle carrying a lawnmower, only faster.

But what is the most glaring flaw in the WEF measurements? They completely ignore the fact that all these other so-called “prosperous” countries are on the way to bankrupting themselves by offering universal healthcare.

The United States is the only nation in the top 30 on this index that does not offer government-paid medical services for all citizens.

Come on. Did these “world-renowned economists” get their diplomas out of a Happy Meal or something? Don’t they see how the U.S.A. is positioning itself for continued world domination by basing a massive chunk of its economy (17.5%) on exploiting the sick and pudgy?

I say we ignore the World Economic Forum and its twisted anti-American agenda. Carry on as normal. If things get really bad, we can always invade Switzerland.

Top Five Things That Prove America is the Greatest Nation in History

5.  Juice in a bag!

You know you live in an advanced society when liquid refreshment is widely available in bags. 

The bag is a container traditionally reserved for substances that don't leak, seep, drip, or permeate. But not in America, dammit. 

Our space-age metallic juice bags will not only wet your palate, but they'll still be piled up in landfills 1 million years from now, just to let future space alien archaeologists know how much ass we kicked.

Don't even start in about how difficult it is to stick that flimsy little straw into that little hole in the top without bending it all to hell. Your failures in manual dexterity need not reflect poorly on our genius scientific advances. 

Besides, your frustration may eventually force you to heave the bag of juice against a wall. Don't tell me it wouldn't feel satisfying.

4. Disability benefits!

According to the AFP news service, a woman in Quebec suffering from "crippling depression" recently lost her disability benefits when her insurance company discovered a photo of her on Facebook, relaxing at the beach, wearing a bikini and a smile. How typical of those commie canucks to yank this woman's livelihood just because she decided to share with friends the one rare moment of non-anguish, when she forced herself to smile for the camera on a doctor-ordered vacation. 

This would never happen in America. We call this behavior "living the American Dream." She can afford a beach vacation without having to work? No wonder she's smiling! Any loyal yankee would have to tip his hat to her, even an insurance agent.

3.  The Clean Air Act!

I recently read a book called "Lost on Planet China" by J. Maarten Troost, who pretended to be a real estate investor so he would be allowed into China to make fun of it. The primary target of his ridicule is the air, which, by his account, is about as fit for human lungs as used motor oil. The sun does not exist in much of China. The smog blots it out.  With four cities larger than New York and 16 larger than Los Angeles, it's easy to see why.

Leaving aside the fact that China is ruled by insecure and paranoid government officials representing a dysfunctional political ideal, the fact that we've managed to keep our air clear enough to see celestial bodies through it is reason enough to be thankful to live in the good ol' U.S.A.

2.  The best health care system in the world!

In Middleton, Nova Scotia, an 81-year-old man was having a heart attack in the parking lot of a hospital. His wife went in to get help, but they told her to call 911 or bring him in herself. 

After paramedics arrived and took her husband into the hospital, she was told she'd have to pay for the ambulance trip.

All this was reported in The Canadian Press last week, with no mention of a lawsuit. Obviously, they have no idea how to operate a health care system up there. Malpractice makes perfect, that's what I say.

1.  Bizarre scented candles!

I just discovered hotwicks.com, where you won't find the sissy traditional aromas like "French Vanilla" or "pumpkin spice." 

Instead, they specialize in unusual odors, including: "bacon," "beer," "mouthwash," "new car," "sawdust," "stripper," and "urinal cake."

Yes! I can finish my Christmas shopping early this year!

Thank you, America. 

A Slow Boat to… Tijuana?

“Britain owned the 19th Century, America owned the 20th. The 21st Century will belong to China.

“Teach your children Chinese.”

This vaguely ominous message blends among family photos, children’s artwork, and other benign decorations at the Bangor Chinese School, where my wife and I have brought our daughter for her first lesson.

Jing Zhang greets us warmly, and within moments all three of us are counting to ten faster than Jackie Chan.

Studies say (I don’t remember what studies, but if I put “studies say,” you’re more likely to believe me) the younger you are exposed to a second language, the more likely you are to become bilingual.

If you live anywhere other than Maine, this is a valuable skill. And while my wife and I would love it if our daughter chose to remain in this wholesome, earthquake-free, crime-wave-means-rash-of-unlicensed-hunting utopia, she might decide she’d like to live in a place where smart people can get make hundreds of thousands of dollars without turning the Mooshehead Lake shoreline into a giant casino.

But what is the best language for your child to learn?

We opted for Chinese for all the reasons implied by Jing’s sign. If you look at current economic trends, it is reasonable to assume that China will own our entire continent, possibly before the next Batman movie comes out.

You have to admit, it could be handy to know the Chinese phrase for, “Please do not enslave my family,” or, “Honest, Dude, I always thought the Bill of Rights was a crock of spit, anyway.”

If you don’t believe China’s influence is spreading our way, consider a new law in Britain that makes it a crime to photograph police or military personnel.

It’s supposed to be an anti-terrorism law, but you don’t have to be a candidate for Employee of the Year at the ACLU to see where this is going. Pretty soon the entire royal family will be at the local military recruiting office, and the tabloid newspaper industry will fall flat on its face.

If freedom-crushing laws can make their way from China to Britain, they can hop over here in the wink of an eye.

Anyway, we settled on learning Chinese (“This is just a toy camera” is written, “这仅仅是一 个玩具相机;” take note).

But there was one problem we had not anticipated: Chinese is wicked hahd.

For example, the phrase “human rights” in Chinese looks like “人权,” and is spelled “rénquán” using our alphabet. But it’s pronounced “YEN-choo-ahn.”

If you’re going to change alphabets anyway, why not spell it like it sounds?

That’s not all. Slight variations in accent change the meaning. If you pronounce it “yen-choo-AN,” it means something totally different (maybe “go stand in front of that tank over there,” or whatever).

Thankfully, accent variations in English (or Spanish) don’t change meaning; they exist only to make other people sound stupid.

So we’re switching to Spanish. In most of the country it is a necessary skill for even the most menial, entry-level positions, such as hotel clerk, slaughterhouse attendant, teacher, or social worker.

Most importantly: it’s a language we actually have a snowball’s chance in Hong Kong of actually learning.

“Steamed Crap:” A Chinese Delicacy

I don’t know if it’s good news or bad news, but soon you will no longer be able to order “steamed crap” in Shanghai.

As a result of the approaching 2008 Olympics, the Chinese government has decided to clean up its act, starting with translation problems on restaurant menus.

“Steamed crap” was supposed to read, “steamed carp,” according to the Associated Press, which also reports that dishes such as “virgin chicken” and “temple explodes the chicken cube” are off the menu.

The fact that they didn’t bother to fix these mistranslations before now tells me the evil communist regime at least has a sense of humor.

If you’re wondering why the government has to be involved with restaurant menus to begin with, you’re forgetting that the government controls everything in China.

But that’s starting to change a little, too, with the Olympics on the way. China agreed to relax its normal limitations on journalists, for example, hoping to receive more positive worldwide press coverage during the games.

Normally, writing stories that expose protests or unflattering views of the government can get a journalist in China beaten up or jailed.

Thankfully, the situation in the good ol’ U.S.A. is different. Here, if a foreign journalist writes negative views about our government, he or she instead gets an all-expense-paid extended vacation in sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Ha! I’m just joshing, obviously. We have it much better here in the West. I can’t imagine any government agency setting up surveillance on journalists or intimidating them (hmmm… Watergate… Patriot Act… NSA surveillance without court approval…).

But I’m getting off track. By all accounts, reporters in China have it much worse, and their government would like to disguise that fact for a couple of weeks or so.

With 30,000 foreign journalists expected to visit during the Olympics next year, Beijing has decided some of them might notice police beating up protesters or forcing pregnant women into late-term abortions. It might be bad PR if more than a few hundred of those journalists noticed these events and ended up behind bars or repeatedly jabbed with cattle prods for telling us about them.

To ensure that you can enjoy liberated coverage of the games (which I’m sure will also remain untainted by the interests of corporate sponsors), China agreed to allow journalists to travel freely throughout the country without first getting government permission.

Also, correspondents are no longer required to include the phrase “China Rules!” in their broadcasts, and they won’t have to dispatch 74 stories a year about captive pandas attempting to mate.

However, it appears China may not be living up to its word, as multiple news sources indicate the police still detain and harass journalists whenever they feel like it, even though the government had agreed to end this practice back at the beginning of the year.

In light of this, how could we summarize the quality of news and sports coverage we should expect to see in the Olympics? Is there some word or phrase that seems fitting?

If there is, you’ll probably find it on some restaurant menu in Beijing.