Some Things to Ponder

 Bangor Savings Bank proudly displays this sign at the mall: “Our customers enjoy no ATM fees anywhere, anytime.”

 

I don’t see why that’s anything to brag about. I don’t enjoy any of the ATM fees my bank charges me, either.

 

* * *

 

No visit to the Maine Coast is complete without a stop at Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens in Boothbay.

 

We borrowed a couple of passes from our local library so we could visit during the last day of their Fairy Festival.

 

We built Fairy Houses, read Fairy Books, and had Fairy Tea while listening to Fairy Music and eating Fairy Ice Cream sprinkled with Fairy Dust.

 

We tried to go to the Fairy Dance, but the Fairy Instructor did not adhere to the Fairy Schedule and decided to go home early, probably to drink some Fairy Schnapps and get Fairy Plastered.

 

As you might expect, the festival was populated by 78% of the pre-teen girls in Maine, many of whom, like my five-year-old daughter, wore various types of wings and tu-tus.

 

I could not believe how packed the place was.

 

A handful of young boys, mostly with names like Aden or Hunter, also showed up.

 

I’ve never met anyone named Hunter who actually hunts, by the way. People who hunt tend to be named Bill or Steve. There ought to be a law about that.

 

* * *

 

While I sat poking at this keyboard in a local coffee shop a few weeks ago, a man walked up to me and said, “You must write what has never been written, say what has never been said, and make what has never been made. Otherwise, it’s going in the garbage.”

 

My response: “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

 

* * *

 

I had more or less forgotten about the issue of Vanity Plates until I saw one yesterday that said, “RU Sore.”

 

Really? You paid an extra $25 to ask other drivers if they’re sore, but then not hear the answer? What the hell is the point of that?

I also saw one that said, "ROCKERZ."  I immediately wanted to be just like the person driving the car.  He was my idol. 

The day before, I noticed one that said, “TP4MYBH.” If you were a teenager in the 1990s you might recognize this “Beavis and Butthead” mantra, with the “BH” standing for one of your private orifices.

 

If you’re bored sometime, find your way to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles website and try searching some of your favorite words on vanity plates.

 

Don’t get your hopes up for “GETSOME,” “EATME,” “PSYCHO,” “MUFFDVR,” or “SEXME,” as those are already taken.

 

So is “FAIRY,” in case you’re wondering.

 

On the other hand, “MASTRB8” is still up for grabs. I’m not sure what to think about that.

 

* * *

 

The owners of an historic home in Chatham, MA have rebuffed municipal restrictions on their renovation plans by having the house painted lime green and bright yellow.

 

As you can imagine, all the wrinkled up “preserve our history so I don’t feel irrelevant” stick-in-the-mud geezers have their Depends in a twist over this abomination.

 

History is for museums. It would be one thing if this house was unusually unique or important (“Benjamin Franklin Blew His Nose Here”) in some way unlike dozens of others in self-proclaimed “historic” towns along the New England Coast.

 

Besides: The house is attracting more tourism to the town.

 

Huh. Imagine that. Allow a little bit of character and uniqueness to seep in, and people want to come see it.

 

Now all they need to do is host a Fairy Festival, and they’ll be all set.