Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Controlling the O

You're probably getting a little tired of all the politics dominating the media right now, so I'm happy to bring you a column about orgasms instead.

I know what you're thinking: how could anyone possibly separate politics from orgasms?

You have a point. From Clinton to Spitzer, John Edwards to Question 1, future anthropologists will see our American Democracy, the most advanced system of government civilization has yet invented, as one giant reality show, in which people obsess and vote about who gets to have orgasms with whom, when, and for what purpose.

If one of your bizarre fetishes is that you want millions of people trying to control your orgasms, I suggest a career in politics or homosexuality.

At any rate, I will now attempt to beat off the odds and write about orgasms without mentioning politics.

I'll start by expressing gratitude for the fact that we live in such an open society, where a word like "orgasm" can appear in a family-friendly newspaper without the editor taking much flak.

[Note to editor: If you're nervous about taking flak over the word "orgasm," please substitute the word "wealth" for "orgasm" throughout this column as necessary. Where you see the word "sex," delete it and put "capitalism." Your conservative readers will suddenly love me and no one will be the wiser.]

I can even tell you that nothing spices up your capitalism like earth-grinding simultaneous wealth, and you'll just nod in agreement, without so much as a double-take. 

On the contrary, people in many Middle Eastern countries don't even know that orgasms exist. Unlike here, frank discussions of sex are not allowed in the world's strict theocracies. As a result, citizens of such nations are known stereotypically for their ... uh ... different attitudes toward intimacy, as evidenced by female genital mutilation, widespread belief that the a woman's natural shape is an evil, corrupting influence, and a recent article from revealing concern from hard-liners (ha!) that masturbation is a harmful "epidemic" sweeping the region.

The article focuses on Syria, where norms about discussing sex are a little more relaxed, so the debate over humane treatment of "monkeys" and "beavers" has boiled over on the blogosphere.

Yes, you Syrians will still find yourselves behind bars for a few years if you criticize the government, but go ahead and spew juvenile euphemisms for private parts at your leisure. See where that gets you.

Here in the Good Ol' USA, we tell our kids exactly what they need to know about their hormonal desires, without relying on innuendo. Instead, we give them straightforward, unambiguous, scientific information, using terms like "heavy petting," and "second base."

Honestly, who came up with the term "heavy petting?" It was of no help to me when I found it in my 8th grade health textbook. What am I, a Golden Retriever? 

And is there such a thing as "light petting?" If so, who would opt for light petting when you could apply just a little more pressure and get the weightier version? The library offered no answers.

Anyway, the concern in Syria about tuning one's own organ (You like that one? I think it's original) reminds us that masturbation is labeled sinful in many religious texts, including The Bible, which means you can soon expect a referendum question on it at a polling place near you.

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