Saturday, January 31, 2009

Laser Surgery: A Distant Dream

How would you like to lie on a table with your eyelids propped open while a complete stranger carves up your retina with a laser beam?

It may not sound like much fun to you, but to me it’s sounding more and more appealing all the time.

I’ve worn glasses since kindergarten, and I have to say, it’s never been much fun.

Granted, it was a lot worse 20 years ago, when each lens in the average pair of spectacles was the size of a Frisbee and weighed four pounds.

Observe this random photo of a visually impaired person from the 1980s, whose eyewear represents the style typical of that era:

How could a person hold his or her head up wearing those things? They’re bigger than his whole torso, for crying out loud!

Nowadays, glasses are much less bulky and cumbersome, but, of course, that only makes them easier to lose (and less glamorous).

Mine are always getting smudged, scratched, and dusty. The people at the glasses place say I can only clean them with these special disposable cloths that only they sell. All other fabric will grind them into a fine powder, apparently.

I realize a lot of people wear contact lenses, but this is not an option for me, because I have a visceral reaction to the thought of anything touching my eyes.

If God wanted us to be putting stuff on our eyeballs, he would not have made them so squishy.

Maybe I’ve read too many horror stories about bacteria getting onto your lenses and getting trapped in your eyeball, where they gradually turn your eye all red and blotchy until it eventually falls out.

No sir, I’ll stick with the glasses, if necessary.

But now the “Lasik” surgery seems more promising, given that I could actually afford it if I sold all my belongings on EBay.

That’s what Greg and Brittiny Peters of Gainesville, Georgia did. According to the Associated Press, the self-employed couple faced massive medical bills for two of their three children, and saw no alternative but to sell everything except their house.

The winning bid of $20,000 was submitted by a Texas couple named Donna and Keith Blair. Get this: the Blairs said take the money, and keep your stuff.

This selfless act just about brought a tear to my misshapen eye until I realized how much stuff I’ve regretted buying on EBay because I forgot to calculate the shipping.

Imagine what it costs to deliver a Chevy Tahoe. No wonder they said, “keep it.”

Anyway, all I need to do to afford laser surgery on my eyes is find some wealthy, condescending jerks from Texas to sucker into purchasing all my belongings, right down to my collection of finger puppets made from Styrofoam packing peanuts.

I’d better do it quickly, too, because you never know when styles might change, and we’ll all have to go back to wearing spectacles that look like this:

No comments: