It’s that time again, when people in the media notice there’s nothing going on, and decide to write about events in the past as though they are still relevant.
Let’s get started:
January: As the Iraq war rages on, various suicide bombings in the Middle East and endless wars in Africa rage onward, killing thousands of people you don’t know. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton sheds a couple of public tears over the stress of campaigning for President.
Which do you think gets more media coverage?
Crude oil reaches $100 a barrel for the first time ever, forcing Americans to stop and think carefully about how they can do their part to bitch as loudly and obnoxiously as possible about it.
February: Americans eagerly anticipate their Economic Stimulus payments, which are all but guaranteed to keep us out of recession.
The New England Patriots’ dream of a perfect season vanishes when New York Giants receiver David Tyree makes a miracle catch by stabbing the football in mid-air with his steroid needle.
In Hollywood, the writers’ strike finally ends, and Americans scratch their heads and wonder why no one told them they’d been watching re-runs for three months.
March: A 260-square-mile chunk of Antarctic ice disintegrates. Bush immediately sends a team of geologists to find out if there was oil under there.
In a shocking development that took everyone by surprise, Israelis and Palestinians continued to slaughter each other for the 58,673rd month in a row.
Mainers suffer through a bunch of dumpy little snowstorms one right after another. Just as you get the driveway clear, here comes another 2-3 inches; enough to bring out the plow again, but not enough to close anything. Sheesh.
As expected, Dmitri Medvedev takes over as Russia’s President, and Vladimir Putin shoves his hand up the back of Medvedev’s shirt and starts speaking out the side of his mouth.
The government lends JP Morgan Chase $30 billion to buy failed Bear Stearns, a move that is sure to pump new life into the economy.
April: Protesters, apparently irritated that China’s government keeps killing people and squelching their religious beliefs, snuffed the Olympic torch several times as it made its way through Europe. Oh, the shame!
The U.S. Senate approves a $15 billion bill to rescue the housing market, including a bunch of tax breaks for builders. There will be no stopping the economy now.
Danica Patrick becomes the first woman to win an Indy-Car race; still, no one believes my wife taught her to drive.
May: Democratic Party officials compromise on how to count delegates from Michigan and Florida; they will use their fingers.
Tornadoes rage through The South, a cyclone kills 78,000 people in Myanmar, and an earthquake registering 7.9 on the Richter Scale devastates central China. More importantly, Curt Schilling’s right arm falls completely off, making it seem unlikely that he will pitch this year.
June: After five years of investigation, a Senate committee becomes the last people in America to realize the Bush Administration misled the public, exaggerating evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.
Gasoline tops $4 a gallon. Thank goodness THAT will never happen again.
The U.S. Treasury Department plans a bailout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, a move that is guaranteed to give our economy all the stability it needs for the next 500 years.
Bill Gates quits his job at Microsoft to focus on philanthropy, making it slightly harder to loathe him.
Tune in next week for July through December, if you can stand it.
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