Orwell Grave Spin Detected by Satellite

Gentlemen, quick: do you know where your prostate is?

If your prostate is missing, or if you didn't know where it was in the first place, you might have been glad to read recent news reports announcing that it can now be tracked by GPS satellite.

But wait a minute.

Does it bother you that every slight movement of one of your cherished reproductive organs could be observed from outer space by Lord-knows-who?

Well, you don't have to worry, because it turns out these news reports were 100% FALSE.

Or maybe that's what the government would like you to believe.

The Associated Press and the Seattle Post-Intelligence apparently botched a press release from a local cancer institute, which originally described a new device using technology that is similar to GPS.

In reality, the “positioning transponders” surgically embedded into the prostate transmit signals to your physician during radiation therapy to allow for precise aim.

This way, “The radiation dose stays on target and less of it reaches surrounding healthy [sacred] tissue,” states the press release.

Okay, so it starts out harmless enough (except for the impact on your health insurance premiums). But can't you see where this is going? I envision a day when the government uses “transponders” to keep track of our locations and our physiological responses (drooling, pulse quickening, arousal) to certain stimuli (the potato chip aisle).

This could become an outrageously powerful marketing tool, or it could help the wrong kind of bureaucrats find out what tends to, uh, move my prostate, so to speak.

You have no idea how many other new technologies could threaten our personal liberties.

For example, have you heard about the new sports car called the “sQuba” that can drive under water, like the Lotus in the James Bond flick “The Spy Who Loved Me?”

The sQuba, near as I can tell from its promotional video on YouTube, is not outfitted with any weapons, but comes with all the zip, tight handling, and maneuverability of a hot air balloon in a giant vat of oatmeal.

Still, the car emits no exhaust, meaning the government may some day force us all to to commute in these things.

Another disturbing new device, called the “Mosquito Alarm,” drives away children and teenagers by emitting an annoying, high-pitched sound that only they can hear.

Did you know young people have tiny hairs in their ears that are sensitive to certain frequencies? These hairs die off around age 25, along with one's taste in music and desire to rebel against authority.

These “alarms” have sprung up all over Britain, as a way for merchants to keep skateboarders and other undesirables from clustering around their shops and creating an intimidating aura of youthful exuberance that would be bad for business.

Civil rights groups point out that the alarm discriminates against all children, even babies, and even those who don't have insidious delinquent intent. Such a device aimed at a certain race or gender would probably never be marketed.

One activist asked the Times of London, “What type of society uses a low-level sonic weapon on its children?”

A society that wants to lose its kids in shopping malls, of course.

Fortunately, you can buy a homing device for your child for $50. You should probably run out and get one; Uncle Sam's already got his.