Thursday, December 27, 2007

Face the Fiction

I hereby call on our elected officials to do something about Annenberg Political Fact Check, a non-profit organization bent on destroying our cherished system of government.

Their staff of so-called “journalists” cull false or misleading statements from political advertising and debates and expose them at They actually research the issues, which most of us don't know how to do without sacrificing at least a couple of hours of TV time per week.

The Annenberg people, shameless anarchists that they are, have no affiliation with any political party or lobby, so they are free to attack both left and right.

(I don't have to tell you how shockingly un-American that is.)

For example, Hillary Clinton recently released an ad saying members of the National Guard did not have health insurance coverage until she came along.

FactCheck points out that a) this is not true, and b) the ad does not mention that National Guard personnel don't need health insurance, because they are, in fact, invincible.

(Think of the great ferocious warriors throughout history: Beowulf, Napoleon, Washington... did any of them need health insurance? Let's get real, here.)

On the other side, FactCheck got all up in Mitt Romney's grille for citing some newspaper articles that supposedly supported his policies. This doesn't add up, because, as everyone knows, Romney supporters can't read, let alone work for newspapers.

Whatever you choose to believe, these treasonous twerps need to get off their high horse and realize that our country was born and raised on deception. It's the American Way.

Half the people who voted for George Washington thought they were voting for King George III. Andrew Jackson convinced everyone he would look out for the common man, but they didn't know he meant that in a paranoid-schizophrenic kind of way.

William Henry Harrison managed to get elected without revealing to anyone that he was about to die of pneumonia. Franklin Roosevelt knew Americans would never vote for a “cripple” for President, so he took careful pains during public appearances to give the impression that he was actually running for County Clerk.

Political campaigns spew lies like a 1987 Chevy pickup spews thick plumes of toxic black exhaust, clouding our vision and choking off our will to participate.

We can't focus on the issues because we don't know what to believe. So we focus on personality traits instead. Politicians who seem like they can relate to the average guy (see Bill Clinton and George W. Bush) will always win.

Personally, I don't want to be able to relate to the President. That would mean the President is too much of a TV-watching, cardboard box-collecting slob and not enough of a public policy super-genius.

In my mind, our President ought to be the most absurd brainiac geek available.

But most Americans are narcissistic enough to vote for the swarthy, lying scumbag who seems most like them.

This has always been true. And where has it gotten us? We're now the most powerful, respected, and admired nation in the world (Even though I've never traveled abroad, I know this is true because all the politicians keep saying it).

So the system works fine just like it is. Down with FactCheck, before they ruin everything that made this country great.

And especially before they get ahold of anything I've written.

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