Saturday, July 28, 2007

Question the Questions

Since I began writing this blog/newspaper column, dozens of readers, both real and imaginary, have emailed questions and comments:

1) Would you like to add two inches RIGHT NOW??? No thanks, the editor says my column is long enough as it is.

2) Are you related to WLBZ-TV weatherman Steve McKay? No.

In fact, “McKay” is not even his true last name. I think his last name is actually “Smith,” although it's hard to get genuine information about celebrities.

At any rate, you can't go around as a weatherman and disc jockey with a name like “Steve Smith.” People would realize you have no personality.

Plus, I think Steve McKay might be vampire. Come on, take a good look at his photo and tell me it isn't at least possible.

3) How do you live with yourself, taking all these cheap shots at people? I probably should feel bad for saying such things about Steve McKay, who by all accounts is a pleasant and wonderful human being/flying rodent.

But if I'm ever important enough for someone to make stupid public insults about me, I'll count myself lucky.

4) What do you make of all these sports scandals? This is a great time to be a sports fan.

NFL superstar Michael Vick is under indictment for something to do with dogfighting; I'm not sure exactly what the charge is, since ESPN radio has spent several days analyzing whether or not Vick should have appeared in public to say that his lawyer has advised him not to say anything publicly.

Ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy has been busted for gambling on games he worked and for taking bribes; obviously the league keeps orchestrating elaborate distractions to prevent people from realizing all their teams run the exact same offense, and, in fact, have many of the same players.

And the Tour de France apparently operates on more chemicals than a sewage treatment plant. The same cold be said of Major League Baseball, where Barry Bonds has become the most hated figure in sports because he cheated more effectively than everyone else did.

Since no one cares about or appreciates the actual games, the sporting world has never been more entertaining. Just keep your kids away from it.

5) Chuck, are you still obsessed with the official web site of Hormel Foods, Everyone should visit, especially those who are interested in chili recipes, although if you take chili advice from Hormel after consuming one of their products, you deserve to eat whatever you get.
Let’s face it; Hormel chili is about as spicy and flavorful as Kleenex. Plus, each can contains (no exaggeration) 102 percent of your recommended daily allowance of sodium. From looking at the ingredients list, I can’t tell where all that salt comes from, other than perhaps the ingredient listed as “flavoring.”
If you want a real chili recipe, contact me, and I’ll share the recipe for my Seventeen-Alarm, Imaginary Neighborhood Chili-Cookoff Honorable Mention-Winning Chili of Doom, which includes jalapeno peppers, cilantro, diesel fuel, and two quarts of minced garlic.

It's great for warding off TV weather forecasters.

1 comment:

Jodi Renshaw said...

You are right about Steve McKay. I worked with his Dad, Kent SMITH. Also, wanted to let you know that I had a dream that you guys were having another baby. Just thought you should know :)