Would You Like a Bayonet With Your Order, Sir?

I want a gun RIGHT NOW.

Fortunately, I can get one, because National Rifle Association types have been so diligent in protecting my rights.

In case you don't remember, the Second Amendment states, “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms, and to get them at least as fast as they can get a Big Mac, shall not be infringed.”

A bill proposed in the legislature would create a ten-day waiting period for anyone under 21 to buy a rifle or shotgun. This bill, LD-361, smacks the constitution upside the head.

The intent is to deter suicides by forcing hopelessly depressed youths to spend a week-and-a-half thinking things over before they can get that gun.

Naturally, gun ownership advocates are on the warpath, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re not doing enough. In a society that truly respected my rights, I would be able to get a grenade launcher delivered to my home on demand, like pizza. Whiny bleeding hearts tell their sob stories about somebody’s kid who went out and bought a gun and killed himself, or killed someone else, when a few days’ reflection might have led him to make a different choice.

Boo-hoo. What about the real victims - all the young people who enjoy outdoor sports and who also happen to be maniacally impulsive? I’m talking about the person who wakes up and says out of the blue, “I must end the life of a furry woodland creature by noon, but first, I’ll need a gun.” A waiting period for such a person would impose an extreme injustice, causing such frustration that he might become more violent.

And then there’s the self-defense issue. Feeling threatened? Sure, you could call the police or seek peaceful reconciliation, but that doesn’t empower the citizenry like the instant gratification of picking up a semi-automatic weapon on your way home from work.

Don’t forget the “slippery slope.” As soon as they take my gun, they’ll start thinking they can take anything else that could be considered lethal: my baseball bat, my wavy-line crafting scissors, my collection of medieval swords, or my chain saw, which I keep under the bed to confront intruders.

Guns are great, but they’re a bit of a pain to aim in the dark. Knives and bats are okay, but you have to catch the perpetrator. But rev up that chain saw just once, and all of a sudden the criminal scum trying to get into my house knows exactly what kind of person he’s dealing with. “Maybe it’s time for me to burglarize a different house,” would be his reaction, regardless of what mundane weapon he happened to be carrying.

But even this means of self-defense may be eradicated if the gun-control hippies get their way. I say, “Outlaw chain saws, and only outlaws will have chain saws.”

So unless you want to live in a world run by the Husqvarna Mafia, write your state representatives now and tell them waiting is not just an inconvenience, it’s a violation of your rights.