What Happened to Patriotism?

I was going to write about marriage, and the fact that it is somehow possible to feel completely and happily hinged to another person even though the two of you often communicate as well as schizophrenic earthworms.

Considering how many painful misunderstandings happen between people who love each other, it’s amazing complete strangers on the street can coexist at all.

To illustrate this point, I’ll save my marital insights for another time so I can clarify something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

I argued that building an Islamist Center two blocks from Ground Zero was neither a “poke in the eye,” nor a “slap in the face,” nor any other Three-Stooges-style assault described by right-wing pundits.

Essentially, I said it was not Islam that attacked America on Sept. 11, 2001, but a group of extremist terrorists who happened to be Muslim. So it makes a lot of sense to ban terrorists from Lower Manhattan, but banning an entire religion seems a little reactionary.

We should take pride in our freedoms, not shirk away from them or resent them because we’re in too much pain to correctly identify our enemies.

When I made this argument, I took for granted that everyone has a basic understanding of what those freedoms are. How silly of me!

Instead, many conservatives, ironically some of the most patriotic, flag-waving people you’ll ever meet, seem to possess only a vague awareness of the Bill of Rights.

(Well, maybe that’s not fair. They have Amendment Number Two down pretty well. But the rest, they’re pretty fuzzy on.)

One reader emailed me to say that we can let a mosque appear at Ground Zero as soon as Muslims let people build churches and synagogues at the Mecca.

What are we, in the fifth grade? “I’m only going to do the right thing if the other guy does it first.”

Or: “Aww, mom! Why do I have to honor other people’s freedoms? Johnny’s mother doesn’t make him honor people’s freedoms.”

Please pay attention to this brief civics lesson: The First Amendment does not apply only to religions you like or people you agree with. We’re stuck with it, regardless of what happens in Saudi Arabia, so you might as well get used to it, young man.

It reminds me of when Dr. Laura Schlessinger went on Larry King to complain that her right to free speech had been violated because so many people voiced anger over her use of a racial slur during her radio broadcast.

Uhm, excuse me, “Dr.” Laura, but the First Amendment does not protect you from being criticized for what you say. Please stop influencing many thousands of Americans who unwittingly seek your advice even though you have the brain of a pygmy marmoset.

Mangling the constitution this way is not just ignorant, it’s dangerous. So you say two blocks from Ground Zero is “too close” for a mosque. What about four blocks? Or a mile? Who’s to say if anywhere in New York City is “too close?” Who gets to decide where we draw the line?

“I think they should build it in the Middle East,” said one Ground Zero protester, quoted by the Associated Press.

Exactly. If we can ban Islam in Manhattan, why can’t we ban it nationwide?

Somewhere in hell’s sewage treatment facility, Adolf Hitler is giggling.

Some Things to Ponder

 Bangor Savings Bank proudly displays this sign at the mall: “Our customers enjoy no ATM fees anywhere, anytime.”

 

I don’t see why that’s anything to brag about. I don’t enjoy any of the ATM fees my bank charges me, either.

 

* * *

 

No visit to the Maine Coast is complete without a stop at Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens in Boothbay.

 

We borrowed a couple of passes from our local library so we could visit during the last day of their Fairy Festival.

 

We built Fairy Houses, read Fairy Books, and had Fairy Tea while listening to Fairy Music and eating Fairy Ice Cream sprinkled with Fairy Dust.

 

We tried to go to the Fairy Dance, but the Fairy Instructor did not adhere to the Fairy Schedule and decided to go home early, probably to drink some Fairy Schnapps and get Fairy Plastered.

 

As you might expect, the festival was populated by 78% of the pre-teen girls in Maine, many of whom, like my five-year-old daughter, wore various types of wings and tu-tus.

 

I could not believe how packed the place was.

 

A handful of young boys, mostly with names like Aden or Hunter, also showed up.

 

I’ve never met anyone named Hunter who actually hunts, by the way. People who hunt tend to be named Bill or Steve. There ought to be a law about that.

 

* * *

 

While I sat poking at this keyboard in a local coffee shop a few weeks ago, a man walked up to me and said, “You must write what has never been written, say what has never been said, and make what has never been made. Otherwise, it’s going in the garbage.”

 

My response: “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

 

* * *

 

I had more or less forgotten about the issue of Vanity Plates until I saw one yesterday that said, “RU Sore.”

 

Really? You paid an extra $25 to ask other drivers if they’re sore, but then not hear the answer? What the hell is the point of that?

I also saw one that said, "ROCKERZ."  I immediately wanted to be just like the person driving the car.  He was my idol. 

The day before, I noticed one that said, “TP4MYBH.” If you were a teenager in the 1990s you might recognize this “Beavis and Butthead” mantra, with the “BH” standing for one of your private orifices.

 

If you’re bored sometime, find your way to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles website and try searching some of your favorite words on vanity plates.

 

Don’t get your hopes up for “GETSOME,” “EATME,” “PSYCHO,” “MUFFDVR,” or “SEXME,” as those are already taken.

 

So is “FAIRY,” in case you’re wondering.

 

On the other hand, “MASTRB8” is still up for grabs. I’m not sure what to think about that.

 

* * *

 

The owners of an historic home in Chatham, MA have rebuffed municipal restrictions on their renovation plans by having the house painted lime green and bright yellow.

 

As you can imagine, all the wrinkled up “preserve our history so I don’t feel irrelevant” stick-in-the-mud geezers have their Depends in a twist over this abomination.

 

History is for museums. It would be one thing if this house was unusually unique or important (“Benjamin Franklin Blew His Nose Here”) in some way unlike dozens of others in self-proclaimed “historic” towns along the New England Coast.

 

Besides: The house is attracting more tourism to the town.

 

Huh. Imagine that. Allow a little bit of character and uniqueness to seep in, and people want to come see it.

 

Now all they need to do is host a Fairy Festival, and they’ll be all set.