Sexism: More Popular Than Soccer

            If you must send your child alone on a plane trip, you want to make sure he or she does not have to endure the terrifying ordeal of sitting next to a man.

            That’s why you should choose British Airways, which, as corporate policy, does not allow men to sit next to unattended children.

            Women, as everyone knows, are always benevolent, nurturing souls. They are free to sit next to children, or even on top of them, should they require warmth.

            Men, on the other hand, are creatures of violence and ill-intent, almost universally. Evidence: Mr. Rodgers, The Wiggles, and whoever created Barney.

            Like most everything else that targets a particular segment of the population, this airline policy does not go far enough.           

            Statistically, children are much more likely to be victimized by a parent or relative. Airlines should take the next logical step of prohibiting parents from sitting next to their children.

            And, since one out of every three women is sexually assaulted at least once in her lifetime, usually by a male, it would make sense to ensure that men don’t sit next to women, either.

            Come to think of it, we should keep men off airplanes altogether, I think, since the vast majority of violent acts are perpetrated by men.

            You never hear about any female suicide bombers, right?

            Of course, some will cry sexism. Sexism is a fact of life. Men and women are not identical. The differences will inevitably result in behavior that is not always fair.

            As a teacher, I see my female colleagues frequently call students “honey” and “sweetheart” in a quasi-maternal manner. The day I try this will be the day I earn a harassment lawsuit for my school district.

            Then you have your World Cup, an international soccer tournament our sports media spends a lot of time trying to convince us we should enjoy. ESPN even televises some of the games and gets all worked up when there’s controversy.

            The French team quit over a coaching kerfuffle, a scandal that spread through the media like herpes in a harem.

            And when U.S.A. striker Landon Donovan scored his game-winning goal against – was it Argentina or Algeria? – the whole country erupted in a giant, deafening “huh.”

            No one respects soccer, and that will never change, but at least the men’s game gets some hype.

            The women’s World Cup (yes, there is one) might as well take place in a cave in Afghanistan, as much as our media pays attention to it.

            The last one occurred in 2007 in China. Germany claimed the title, but not before an amazing match in which one of the players… HEY! Wait! Don’t stop reading now! I’ll switch to basketball, okay?

            The WNBA offers further evidence of sexism by selling space on team jerseys to corporations. The Phoenix Mercury uniforms do not say “Phoenix” or “Mercury,” but instead feature the logo of Lifelock, an identity theft protection company. They should start calling themselves the Phoenix Lifelock, since Mercury is a stupid name, anyway.

            (The ladies certainly don’t help themselves by using team nicknames like Mercury, Fever, Shock, Storm… is this basketball or menopause?)

            Though sponsorship on uniforms is common internationally, we don’t do it here, except with nine-year-olds. Not even the National Hockey League does it. Ouch.

            So there you have it. We're not identical, and we never will be. Just keep the bad people away from the good ones, and everything will be okay.

        

A Vote for Me is a Vote for Revolutionary Absurdity

By engaging in some shameful shenanigans I can't describe here, except to say that I'm glad my hair grows back pretty quickly, I managed to get my hands on the U.S. Department of Labor's predictions of the fastest-growing jobs from now until 2018.

(WARNING: The following information may reduce your faith in the human race to the point where you elect to join a family of lower primates.)

Three of the top five fastest growing jobs will be in the health care industry. Registered nurses and home health aides are number one and two, respectively.

Then we have customer service reps, the single greatest cause of high blood pressure in the modern world.

If you're waiting on hold right now, take comfort in knowing you'll probably get through by 2018. 

And if you're waiting on a long line of customers, take comfort in knowing the Internet is not going to replace you, even though it probably should.

The fourth fastest-growing job in the United States (cue drum roll): fast food workers.

Did you catch that? All our new jobs are going to fast food, seething, and health care. We devote our economy to diseasing us and then dealing with the consequences.

Damn.

These are the moments when I want to run for public office, partly as an act of citizenship and trying to contribute positive solutions to our problems instead of just complaining about them, and partly to just become the biggest existential nuisance politics has ever seen.

"Vote McKay for Governor in 2010 - Free Organic Rhubarb Popsicles for Every Working Family."

I realize I haven't collected any signatures or anything, but I don't care. That's just the kind of anti-establishment, lack-of-politics-as-usual administration I could bring to Augusta.

And my first act as governor would be to tax the living snot out of fast food and use the money to pay for health education programs.

Grab your absentee ballot now, before you realize how unrealistic that idea is.

Next, I would pass a law requiring customer service reps to get at least as much sleep as truck drivers. Customers waiting on hold or in line for more than 30 minutes would be entitled to free merchandise.

If an airline can't keep me on the tarmac for more than three hours, why should Frigidaire be able to keep me stuck to the phone for 90 minutes, hoping I give up on getting my warranty honored?

While I'm leading this revolution, I might as well tidy up a few other issues, as well.

Let's change the way referenda are written. If you voted on June 8, you probably remember seeing a series of questions like this:

"Do you want to create jobs, stimulate the economy, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and save starving children and little furry animals by procuring an incomprehensible amount of money through a process you can't hope to understand?"

No wonder they all passed.

Here's how I would have written them:

"Do you want the state to go further into debt so we can build slightly nicer roads in areas where you probably don't drive?"

"Should the state borrow money to pay for research and development for maybe getting some wind power happening before another oil spill destroys all life on this planet?"

"Do you realize somebody (probably from away) is getting filthy rich off these bond questions?" 

That last one is a bit of a cheap shot. Let's face it: Nothing happens in America unless somebody can cash in big time. 

For once, let it be the organic rhubarb farmers.