A Little Knowledge...

A Little Knowledge...
Using the smallest number of verifiable facts I could find, I have constructed irrefutable proof that our government is in cahoots with the terrorists.

Follow me closely here.

It all starts with that terrorist, Rachael Ray.

The daytime cooking show host made some ads for Dunkin' Donuts, apparently in an attempt to ruin her image. In one ad, she wore a black and white scarf that sort of resembled a keffiyeh, which is a traditional head piece warn by Arab men.

After an uproar from right-wing bloggers and pundits, Dunkin' Donuts pulled the ad off the air.

I took two logic courses in college. I even passed one of them. My expert position is that this ad should never have been made in the first place because Rachael Ray is a terrorist.

I hope my proof is not too advanced for you:

Rachael Ray = Scarf Wearer
All people who wear scarves = Terrorists
All Arabs = Terrorists
THEREFORE, Rachael Ray = Terrorist

(And we all know terrorists don't sell donuts.)

Now that I've established that, let's look at the new federal regulations that ban all analog TV broadcasting.

In case you didn't know, it would seem Time-Warner hired a bunch of lobbyists to force people into buying cable. Starting next February, you won't be able to use your old fashioned antenna to receive programming. Your analog TV will be worthless, unless you get some insidious-looking converter box that secretly emits God-knows-what-kind of brain-altering gamma rays.

With rabbit ears no longer an option, many people will simply say, “might as well get cable.” This is what the government wants.

Why is this a problem? You see,

If Government = Cable, and
Rachael Ray is on Cable
Then: Government = Rachael Ray;
THEREFORE: Government = Terrorists.

How can we protect ourselves against the evil and corrupt officials who have absconded with our first amendment rights without forming a backwoods militia with more artillery than a Marine Corps infantry unit?

Get rid of your TV altogether.

It's not as hard a it seems! My household has been without one for more than two years. You'd be amazed at how quickly you get used to finding other forms of entertainment.

Our family evenings are filled with laughter and games, reading and story-telling, listening to the radio, and uncontrollable sobbing over not being able to see the Red Sox or Celtics in the play-offs.

Sure, it has been hard sometimes. But it's worth it, because we have a three-year-old in the house, and for some reason there are a lot of TV networks who like to show their violent COPS or CSI promos during seemingly innocuous programming, like “American Idol.”

(Actually, I suppose there's nothing innocuous about “American Idol,” but that only enhances my point.)

McKay = Amish

No, no! Getting rid of my TV does not make me a Mennonite!

In fact, much video entertainment can be found on the Internet, which gives us way more control over what we see and will therefore make broadcast television obsolete, possibly even before this column appears in print.

See? I use computers, so I'm not necessarily a....

Aw, who am I kidding.

McKay = Amish
Amish don't use computers
Therefore: This column = done.

Goodbye, Old Friend

My favorite hardware store is now closed, the victim of a brand new “big-box” store that just opened down the road from it.

The new place may have its advantages, but in my heart it will never replace the the little one I grew up with.

I'll miss the sense of community that comes from going where all your neighbors go.

The feeling of connection to a charming piece of traditional Americana every time you enter the store.

And the memories. Goodness, the memories!

Like the time my wife and I stood and debated for half-an-hour which kind of trim board would most effectively mask the precipitous slant in our walls and ceilings.

Or the time we stood and debated which pattern of discounted tiled carpeting looked cheesiest.

We renovated our first home together with materials from the old Home Depot on Longview Drive in Bangor.

Now it's gone.

I'm getting all choked up.

The parking lot is eerily empty and silent.

Birds still twitter in the orange canopy on the front of the building, but the persistent grumble of lumber carts and diesel engines is a distant memory.

I will always remember you fondly, good ol' Home Depot. I don't care if there's a newer, bigger Home Depot that just opened up down the road, or if there's a new Lowe's across the river. It's not the same.

You'll always be my neighborhood hardware store.

I'll miss your cheerful, personable pre-recorded greetings and safety admonitions.

I'll have to not get used to seeing the same dependable, friendly faces of the self-checkout machines. Oh, I know the new place has self-checkout machines, too, but they just don't have the same familiar, neighborly feel.

I could always count on the competent advice of one of your couple-hundred employees, always steering me in the right direction and putting a smile on my face, too.

I realize many of those same employees are now working at the new store, but it's just not the same now that you've added – what, must be a dozen or so – new ones. Complete strangers!

One time I applied for a job at Home Depot, and I was able to charm the manager into showing me to the interview computer.

Darn corporate greed! It just goes to show you that capitalism is sometimes not all it's cracked up to be.

My little neighborhood Home Depot was fine. Sure, it wasn't turning huge record profits, but it allowed the owner a decent wage to feed his family.

But the suits in Georgia weren't satisfied. They wanted to turn their huge profits into profits that were a teensy, weensy bit larger than huge, and they figured a newer, bigger Home Depot built on wetlands would attract more customers.

Well, I can name at least one customer they've lost.

When I think of that trusty old orange and concrete building (must be a historic site by now, having been erected a full ten or fifteen years ago) just wasting away on the edge of town, it's enough to make me shop for all my tools at K-Mart.

Ah, K-Mart... at least there's one pillar of consistency left in town!